Sequels to Cowboys & Aliens

Not since Snakes on a Plane have I enjoyed a movie title as much as Cowboys & Aliens.  Waxing (semi) serious for a moment, though, isn't it as likely that aliens would visit the West during the 1800s as it is likely they would visit Devil's Mountain in the 1970s, the plot of plausible sort of movie called Close Encounters of the Third Kind?  Which got me thinking about all kinds of ideas for sequels, should Cowboys and Aliens prove to be a hit.  Here are some of my favorites:

1. Aliens vs. the 300.  Sure, the aliens win in the end, but not before we get to see a lot of alien corpses pile up in the pass of Thermopylae. 
2. Aliens vs. the Gods of Olympus.  Ray guns vs. thunderbolts ... I'd like to see that match-up!
3. Aliens vs. Ninjas.  Speaking of matchups, I'm gonna have to take the ninjas in this one.  What use are high tech weapons against warriors who can move invisibly, shield their body temperature from sensors, and dodge energy pulses?
4. Aliens vs. the Roman Legion.  I'm not sure who would win, but love the idea of the Roman Senate desperately sending forth champions to halt the alien onslaught.  Boy are they going to wish they hadn't turned Russell Crowe into a gladiator.
5. Aliens vs. the Barbarians.  Doesn't matter which barbarians, but am voting for whatever tribe Arnold Schwartzenagger's Conan came from, in hopes all the men are as well developed.
6. Aliens vs. The Knights of the Round Table.  Think about it - this could be a great fit.   Excalibur turns out to be the only weapon that can kill them, and the Holy Grail turns out to be a signaling device that has to be found and destroyed so the aliens can never find us again.  The script practically writes itself!
7. Aliens vs. Nazis.  This is a win-win, because no matter who loses in the end, it's okay with us.
8. Aliens vs. Vampires (or zombies).  Since almost every movie being filmed these days has something to do with vampires or zombies, figure this is a natural.* 
9. Aliens vs. Planet of the Apes.  They've figured out how to outsmart humans, but are the big monkeys ready to outsmart aliens? 
10. Aliens vs. Rednecks. My favorite potential sequel of all, and I'm definitely taking the rednecks.  Can't imagine much more fun than 2hrs of watching aliens get run over by trucks, plowed down by trains, and picked off from behind duck blinds.  And for the finale, the rednecks can lure the aliens to a trailer park just as a tornado is coming ...! ("They never saw it coming, Bubba!" "How could they? We never do!")

(*My son says that Plan 9 From Outer Space has already taken this on, but my recollection is that vampires/zombies are allied with the aliens rather than pitted against them.  Totally different.)

Tonight I'm Gonna Cry Playlist: Songs That Make Me Cry

What is it about some songs that make us bawl like a baby?

• Is it regret? (Cats in the Cradle, Wasted Time, The Living Years, Yesterday)  
• Death? (Amazing Grace, Tears in Heaven)  
• Doomed Love? (Somewhere) 
• Lost Love? (Against the Odds, Weekends in New England) 
• Lost youth? (It Was a Very Good Year, 100 Years, I Loved These Days) 
• The glory/horror of war? (Brothers in Arms, Some Gave All, Goodnight Saigon, Taps) 
• Patriotism? (The Battle Hymn of the Republic, America) 
• Songs that fill you with hope that, no matter how bad things get, there's something better Over the Rainbow? (What a Wonderful World, Imagine, Rainbow Connection). 
• Sometimes, the words don't even matter - all it takes is a heart-breaking chord change or crescendo to tear at our hearts, like Samuel Barber's haunting Adajio for Strings or Jeff Buckley's wrenching versoin of Hallelujah.  

Then again, does it matter? The point is that whenever I feel the need for a good, purging cry, these songs are guaranteed to deliver the tears.

1. 100 Years, Five for Fighting
2. Adagio for Strings, Samuel Barber
3. Afterglow, Genesis
4. Against All Odds, Phil Collins
5. All By Myself, Eric Carmen
6. All I Ask of You, Phantom of the Opera
7. Allegretto, Symphony No. 7, Beethoven
8. Amazing Grace, any version
9. America, Ray Charles
10. American Pie, Don McLean
11. Angel, Sarah McLachlan
12. Are You Lonesome Tonight, Elvis Presley
13. At 17, Carly Simon
14. Ave Maria, any version
15. Auld Lang Syne, any version
16. Battle Hymn of the Republic, any version
17. Big John, Tennessee Ernie Ford
18. Bird on the Wire, Leonard Cohen
19. Blue in Green, Miles Davis
20. Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell
21. The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkle
22. Brandy, Looking Glass
23. Bridge Over Troubled Water, Simon & Garfunkel
24. Bring Him Home, from Les Miserables
25. Brothers in Arms, Dire Straits
26. Candle in the Wind, Elton John
27. Canon in D, Pacelbel
28. Cat's in the Cradle, Harry Chapin
29. Crazy Love, Van Morrison
30. Crying, Roy Orbison
31. The Crying Game, Boy George
32. The Dance, Garth Brooks
33. Dang Me, Roger Miller
34. Danny Boy, any version
35. Dante's Prayer, Loreena McKennitt
36. Days, Elvis Costello
37. The Death of Falstaff, from Henry V
38. Desperado, Eagles
39. Don't Cry for Me Argentina, from Evita
40. Don't Take the Girl, Tim McGraw
41. Dream, Bob Dylan
42. Dust in the Wind, Kansas
43. Eleanor Rigby, Beatles
44. Empty Chairs and Empty Tables, from Les Miserables
45. Empty Garden, Elton John
46. Evergreen, Barbra Streisand
47. Everybody Hurts, REM
48. Fanfare for the Common Man, Aaron Copeland
49. Fields of Gold, Eva Cassidy
50. Fire and Rain, James Taylor
51. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Roberta Flack
52. Fix You, Cold Play
53. Forget Her, Jeff Buckley
54. The Gambler, Kenny Rogers
55. Georgia on my Mind, Ray Charles
56. The Ghost of Tom Joad, Bruce Springsteen
57. Good Riddance, Green Day
58. Goodnight Saigon, Billy Joel
59. Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston
60. Growin' Up, Bruce Springsteen
61. Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley (or Pentatonix)
62. Hello, Adele
63. Hurt, Johnny Cash
64. Hushabye Mountain, from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
65. I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt
66. I Don't Want to Miss a Thing, Aerosmith
67. I Grieve, Peter Gabriel
68. I Have Nothing, Whitney Houston
69. I Dreamed a Dream, from Les Miserables
70. I Was a Fool to Let You Go, Barry Manilow
71. I Won't Let Go, Rascal Flatts
72. If, Bread
73. If I Die Young, The Band Perry
74. If You're Reading This, Tim McGraw
75. I'll Stand By You, Glee
76. I'm A Fool To Want You, Carly Simon
77. I'm Moving On, Rascal Flatts
78. Imagine, John LennonIn Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel
79. The Impossible Dream, Man of LaMancha
80. In a New York Minute, Don Henley
81. In a Sentimental Mood, Duke Ellington
82. In the Ghetto, Elvis Presley
83. In the Wee Small Hours, Carly Simon
84. Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
85. It Was Very Good Year, Frank Sinatra
86. It's Not Easy Being Green, Ray Charles
87. It's Too Late, Carole King
88. I've Loved These Days, Billy Joel
89. Keep Holding On, Avril Lavigne
90. Landslide, Fleetwood Mac
91. Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley
92. The Last Song, Elton John
93. The Leader of the Band, Dan Fogleberg
94. Let Her Go, Passenger
95. Let It Be, Beatles
96. Lilac Wine, Jeff Buckley
97. The Living Years, Mike and the Mechanics
98. The Long and Winding Road, Beatles
99. A Long December, Counting Crows
100. Lover, You Should Have Come Over, Jeff Buckley
101. The Luckiest, Ben Folds
102. Mad World, Michael Andrews
103. Make You Feel My Love, Adele
104. Memories, Barbra Streisand
105. A Million Fireflies, Midway State
106. Moon River, Louis Armstrong
107. Mother's Pride, George Michael
108. More than Words, Extreme
109. Mr. Bojangles, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
110. Music of the Night, from Phantom of the Opera
111. My Eyes Adored You, Frankie Valli
112. My Funny Valentine, Sarah Vaughn
113. My Immortal, Evanescence
114. My Way, Frank Sinatra
115. Nessun Dorma, Turnadot
116. Nightswimming, REM
117. On My Own, from Les Miserables
118. One Day More, from Les Miserables
119. One Hand/One Heart, from West Side Story
120. One Moment in Time, Whitney Houston
121. Operator, Jim Croce
122. Philadelphia, Bruce Springstein
123. Promentary, from Last of the Mohicans
124. Proud to be An American, Lee Greenwood
125. Puff the Magic Dragon, Peter, Paul and Mary
126. Rainbow Connection, Kermit the Frog
127. Rainy Days and Mondays, The Carpenters
128. Redemption Song, Joe Strummer and Johnny Cash
129. Romeo & Juliet, Dire Straits
130. Say Something, Great Big World & Christina Aguilera
131. Seasons in the Sun, Terry Jacks
132. See You Again, Charlie Puth w/Wiz Khalifa
133. Send in the Clowns, Judy Collins
134. Set Fire to the Rain, Adele
135. Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, Nat King Cole
136. Solsbury Hill, Peter Gabriel
137. Some Gave All, Billy Ray Cyrus
138. Someone Like You, Adele
139. Someone You Loved, Lewis Capaldi
140. Sometimes When We Touch, Dan Hill
141. Somewhere (A Place for Us), from West Side Story
142. Somewhere Out There, Linda Rondstadt
143. Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
144. Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, Elton John
145. Sound of Silence, Simon & Garfunkle (or Pentatonix)
146. Stand By Me, BB King
147. Stardust, Glen Miller
148. Strange Fruit, Billie Holliday
149. Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen
150. Summertime, Louis Armstrong
151. Sunrise/Sunset, from Fiddler on the Roof
152. Superman, Five for Fighting
153. Taps, any version
154. Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton
155. There's a Place For Us, from West Side Story
156. These Three Words, Stevie Wonder
157. This Woman's Work, Maxwell (or Kate Bush)
158. Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper
159. Time in a Bottle, Jim Croce
160. Time to Say Goodbye, Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli
161. Times of Your Life, Paul Anka
162. To Sir With Love, Lulu
163. Tonight I'm Gonna Cry, Keith Urban
164. True Colors, Cindi Lauper
165. Unchained Melody, Righteous Brothers
166. You Were Always on My Mind, Willie Nelson
167. Walking in Memphis, Marc Cohn
168. Wasted Time, Eagles
169. Weekends in New England, Barry Manilow
170. Weight of Lies, Avett Brothers
171. We're Just Friends, Wilco
172. What a Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong
173. What I Did For Love, Barbra Streisand
174. When I See You Again, Wiz Khalifa
175. When I Was Your Man, Bruno Mars
176. When Somebody Loved Me, Sara McLachlan
177. When the Party's Over, Billie Eilish
178. Who Wants to Live Forever, Queen
179. Wildfire, Michael Martin
180. The Wind, Cat Stevens
181. Wishing You Were Here, Chicago
182. Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Gorden Lightfoot
183. Yesterday, Beatles
184. You Are So Beautiful, Joe Crocker
185. You Don't Know Me, Ray Charles
186. You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban

"Guilty Pleasure" Movies

It's easy to pick awful movies; much more difficult to fess up to those "guilty pleasure" movies.  You know - the ones you hide under your coat at the video store so that no one sees you check them out.  The ones you quickly click away from when someone walks into the room.  The ones you lie about when friends call: "Oh, I'm just watching a movie.  Yeah - um - Private Ryan."   The ones that you love, but that you're not willing to publicly admit you love.

Here are some of my guilty pleasures; feel free to snigger.

1. The 10 Commandments.  It's epic-ly cheesy, but there's something about the combination of over-the-top costuming, shameless overacting, and goofy special effects that keeps me coming back every Easter for more. 
2. St. Elmo's Fire.  Actually, pretty much any of those movies staring the "brat pack":  16 Candles, Pretty in Pink ....  They were all so painfully '80s and yet I can't help watching them everytime they come on television.  Maybe it's the music? the fashion? the 80s angst? the really big hair?
3. Planet of the Apes.  I don't even listen to the dialog anymore - I just enjoy the monkey makeup and the many fabulous quotes, to include a favorite of mine: "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"
4. Army of Darkness.  Not sure I'm allowed to include this on the list, since - unlike the other movies on this list - it was made with the intention of being bad.  But something funny happened along the way: they made a movie so goofily hilarious that it's practically irresistable.
5. Starship Troopers.  Recently named one of the worst movies ever made, yet there's something captivating about the timeless "man vs. bugs from outer space" theme that keeps sucking me in.
6. 9 to 5.  It's everything that's wrong/right about movies made during the 70s* - socially preachy conflict (sexual harassment) + questionable 70s icons in starring roles (Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton) + the same incredibly juvenile slapstick sense of humor that brought us movies like Every Which Way But Loose, pairing Clint Eastwood with a monkey. And yet, I never tire of watching the gals avenge themselves on their sexist rat of a boss, played by ubiquitous '70s baddie Dabney Coleman.  (*Okay, technically the movie was released in 1980, but that means it was written/filmed in the '70s.)
7. Three Muskateers + cheesy pirate/swordfighting movies.  The acting is extraneous, the time period is inconsequential, the plot is immaterial; they have me at "swordfight."  Honorable mentions in this category include Highlander, Conan the Barbarian, and the truly terrible Cutthroat Island. 
8. Dirty Dancing + all cheesy dance/cheerleading/band/music movies.  You know, those movies where the plucky young lead has to conquer obstacles in order to achieve thier dream of becoming a successful dancer/singer/musician/cheerleader.  (And, along the way, win the heart of their "other side of the tracks" love interest.)  Think Fame, Flashdance, Center Stage, Drum Line, etc.  People knock this genre for being so predictable, but that's what I love about it: a little music, a bit of a love interest, and a happy ending.  All that's missing is a bit with a dog.
9. Muppet movies. I never specified that "guilty pleasures" have to be bad movies, just embarassing!  One way or another I've managed to furtively enjoy many of these - The Mupppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, Muppet Treasure Island, A Muppet Christmas Carol - and foudn them to be uniformly entertaining and charming.  I'm just not necessarily ready to share this with others.
10. Anything starring Goldie Hawn.  You know what I'm talking about.  Overboard.  Wildcats.  Swing Shift.  Private Benjamin.  They're preposterous, they're formulaic, and they're almost always insulting to women. (The ditzy character GH inevitably plays was, I think, meant to be a throwback to The Honeymooners and All In the Family, a period when Hollywood considered ditzy female characters to be entertaining rather than condescending and insulting).   And yet, everytime they pop up on one of the cable channels, I find myself watching ... while simultaneously keeping one finger poised on the "back" button so that, at any time, I can quickly return to The History Channel should someone unexpectedly enter the room. 

So, what are your "guilty pleasures"?

Insults of the Famous and Literate

Think you're pretty adept with witty insults, taunts and put-downs?  The following collection of insults by the famous and literate is guaranteed to leave you humbled, and wholly amused.

1. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -Winston Churchill
2. “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” -Winston Churchill
3. "A sheep in sheep's clothing." - Winston Churchill
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow
5. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
6. “Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
7. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas
8. "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." - Dorothy Parker
9. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” -Abraham Lincoln
10. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
11. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain
12. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde
13. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
14. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
15. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… If there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response to Bernard Shaw
16. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
17. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
18. “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson
19. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
20. “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
21. “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” -Jack E. Leonard
22. “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” -Robert Redford
23. “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” -Thomas Brackett Reed
24. “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
25. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand
26. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker
27. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain
28. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -Mae West
    “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
29. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
30. "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'" -P.G. Wodehouse
31. "O, she is the antidote to desire."  -William Congreve
32. "I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics."  -Johnny Mercer,
33. "The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard."  -David Gerrold
34. “I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.” - Steven Pearl
35. "Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week." - William Dean Howells
36. "Pushing 40? She's hanging on for dear life." - Ivy Compton-Burnett
37. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
38. "I have never liked him and I always will." - David Clark
39. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." -Robert Louis Stevenson
40. "He's completely unspoiled by failure." -Noel Coward
41. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathan Swift
42. "You had to stand in line to hate him." - Hedda Hopper
43. "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." -George Bernard Shaw
44. "There, but for the grace of God, goes God." - Winston Churchill
45. "Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." -Tobias George Smolett
46. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation." - Jean Webster
47. "Ordinarily he is insane.  But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid." - Heinrich Heine
48. "She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people." - Robertson Davies
49. "He was trying to save both his faces." -John Gunther
50. "Failure has gone to his head." - Wilson Mizner
51. "God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo
52. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
53. "He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
54. "He is as good as his word - and his word is no good." -Seamus MacManus
55. "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H.H. Munro
56. "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." - Victor Borge
57. "She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it." -Bob Fosse
58. "He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style." - Leo Tolstoy
59. "He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright." - Samuel Butler
60. "He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong." - Benjamin Disraeli
61. "That woman speaks eight different languages and can't say 'no' in any of them." - Dorothy Parker
62. "He has not so much brain as ear wax." -William Shakespeare
63. "He's a tried and valiant soldier.  So is my horse." -William Shakespeare
64. "Her beauty and her brain go not together." - William Shakespeare
65. "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - William Shakespeare

(I gathered these from sources all over the internet so can't vouch for their accuracy; only their entertainment value!)

A Thousand Words: Cookie Monster

Sometimes change is a good thing. 
Sometimes things are fine just the way they are.

Book Look - The Monk, Matthew Lewis

Don't be scared off by the book's 18th century publication date: this story is great fun - as shocking and titillating as anything in modern lit. The Monk has it all: scandal, conspiracy, murder, villainy, hypocrisy, incest, rape, betrayal, ghosts, demons, corpses, and enough gruesome detail to rival an episode of CSI.

The story is set in Spain during the time of the Inquisition, and focuses on the corruption and eventual destruction of Ambrosio, "The Man of Holiness", a Capuchin monk whose outward piety conceals vanity and a lust for power, from which seeds grow spiraling tendrils of evil that eventually destroy him, with a little help from Old Smokey himself. (Lucifer actually makes a juicy cameo appearance at the end - don't miss it!).

Love how "meaty" the story is: within the main narrative, Lewis embeds digressions and side stories that add to the entertainment and general spookiness of the story. Caught up in the main narrative (in which the Brave Cavalier Lorenzo attempts to woo the Innocent Virgin Antonia; Noble Raymond attempts to rescue his True Love Agnes from the schemes of Villainous Family Members and an Evil Prioress; and the Mad Monk Ambrosio is gradually corrupted), you may be tempted to skip these parts, but don't! Elvira's sad history, the story of Lorenzo's brush with bloodthirsty bandits in the forests of Germany, and especially the tale of the Bleeding Nun and the Wandering Jew are fully as diverting as the main narrative.

Love, too, how the author incorporates all the stereotypical elements of gothic fiction - mad monks, wicked nuns, brave knights, naïve virgins, scheming family members, crypts, corpses, and sorcery - while still managing to create a story that feels fresh, literate, and well-crafted. Lewis may have picked a dubious genre, but there's nothing dubious about his plotting or prose. Indeed, Ambrosio's decline is presented in so gradual and logical a fashion, will shock you almost as much as it shocks him at the end to realize how far he's fallen, and how fast.

Finally, love how the book lays the foundation for so much literature that's come since. Reading along, you'll catch definite whiffs of Bronte, Poe, Hawthorn, Byron, Eco, and Perez-Reverte, among others. Were I a scholar, would love to research how this text provides a bridge between the old-style horror of medieval morality plays and modern lit.

Because, beneath the shock and titillation, this is at its core a morality play, in which evildoers are punished and virtue is rewarded. (Except for a few necessarily tragic consequences, because evil can't happen without victims, after all). A little spooky, a little melodramatic, a lot entertaining, and good triumphs over evil yet again ... what more do you want from a book?