Insults of the Famous and Literate

Think you're pretty adept with witty insults, taunts and put-downs?  The following collection of insults by the famous and literate is guaranteed to leave you humbled, and wholly amused.
  1. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -Winston Churchill
  2. “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” -Winston Churchill
  3. "A sheep in sheep's clothing." - Winston Churchill
  4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow
  5. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
  6. “Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
  7. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas
  8. "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." - Dorothy Parker
  9. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” -Abraham Lincoln
  10. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
  11. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain
  12. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde
  13. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
  14. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  15. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… If there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response to Bernard Shaw
  16. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
  17. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
  18. “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson
  19. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
  20. “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
  21. “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” -Jack E. Leonard
  22. “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” -Robert Redford
  23. “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” -Thomas Brackett Reed
  24. “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
  25. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand
  26. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker
  27. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain
  28. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -Mae West
    “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
  29. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
  30. "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'" -P.G. Wodehouse
  31. "O, she is the antidote to desire."  -William Congreve
  32. "I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics."  -Johnny Mercer,
  33. "The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard."  -David Gerrold
  34. “I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.” - Steven Pearl
  35. "Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week." - William Dean Howells
  36. "Pushing 40? She's hanging on for dear life." - Ivy Compton-Burnett
  37. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
  38. "I have never liked him and I always will." - David Clark
  39. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." -Robert Louis Stevenson
  40. "He's completely unspoiled by failure." -Noel Coward
  41. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathan Swift
  42. "You had to stand in line to hate him." - Hedda Hopper
  43. "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." -George Bernard Shaw
  44. "There, but for the grace of God, goes God." - Winston Churchill
  45. "Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." -Tobias George Smolett
  46. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation." - Jean Webster
  47. "Ordinarily he is insane.  But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid." - Heinrich Heine
  48. "She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people." - Robertson Davies
  49. "He was trying to save both his faces." -John Gunther
  50. "Failure has gone to his head." - Wilson Mizner
  51. "God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo
  52. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
  53. "He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
  54. "He is as good as his word - and his word is no good." -Seamus MacManus
  55. "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H.H. Munro
  56. "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." - Victor Borge
  57. "She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it." -Bob Fosse
  58. "He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style." - Leo Tolstoy
  59. "He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright." - Samuel Butler
  60. "He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong." - Benjamin Disraeli
  61. "That woman speaks eight different languages and can't say 'no' in any of them." - Dorothy Parker
  62. "He has not so much brain as ear wax." -William Shakespeare
  63. "He's a tried and valiant soldier.  So is my horse." -William Shakespeare
  64. "Her beauty and her brain go not together." - William Shakespeare
  65. "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - William Shakespeare
(I gathered these from sources all over the internet so can't vouch for their accuracy; only their entertainment value!)

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