Insults of the Famous and Literate

Think you're pretty adept with witty insults, taunts and put-downs?  The following collection of insults by the famous and literate is guaranteed to leave you humbled, and wholly amused.

1. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -Winston Churchill
2. “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” -Winston Churchill
3. "A sheep in sheep's clothing." - Winston Churchill
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow
5. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
6. “Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
7. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas
8. "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." - Dorothy Parker
9. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” -Abraham Lincoln
10. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
11. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain
12. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde
13. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
14. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
15. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… If there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response to Bernard Shaw
16. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
17. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
18. “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson
19. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
20. “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
21. “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” -Jack E. Leonard
22. “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” -Robert Redford
23. “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” -Thomas Brackett Reed
24. “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
25. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand
26. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker
27. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain
28. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -Mae West
    “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
29. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
30. "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'" -P.G. Wodehouse
31. "O, she is the antidote to desire."  -William Congreve
32. "I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics."  -Johnny Mercer,
33. "The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard."  -David Gerrold
34. “I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.” - Steven Pearl
35. "Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week." - William Dean Howells
36. "Pushing 40? She's hanging on for dear life." - Ivy Compton-Burnett
37. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
38. "I have never liked him and I always will." - David Clark
39. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." -Robert Louis Stevenson
40. "He's completely unspoiled by failure." -Noel Coward
41. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathan Swift
42. "You had to stand in line to hate him." - Hedda Hopper
43. "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." -George Bernard Shaw
44. "There, but for the grace of God, goes God." - Winston Churchill
45. "Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." -Tobias George Smolett
46. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation." - Jean Webster
47. "Ordinarily he is insane.  But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid." - Heinrich Heine
48. "She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people." - Robertson Davies
49. "He was trying to save both his faces." -John Gunther
50. "Failure has gone to his head." - Wilson Mizner
51. "God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo
52. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
53. "He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
54. "He is as good as his word - and his word is no good." -Seamus MacManus
55. "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H.H. Munro
56. "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." - Victor Borge
57. "She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it." -Bob Fosse
58. "He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style." - Leo Tolstoy
59. "He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright." - Samuel Butler
60. "He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong." - Benjamin Disraeli
61. "That woman speaks eight different languages and can't say 'no' in any of them." - Dorothy Parker
62. "He has not so much brain as ear wax." -William Shakespeare
63. "He's a tried and valiant soldier.  So is my horse." -William Shakespeare
64. "Her beauty and her brain go not together." - William Shakespeare
65. "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - William Shakespeare

(I gathered these from sources all over the internet so can't vouch for their accuracy; only their entertainment value!)