5/25/2012

Dead Authors I'd follow on Twitter!

It's a shame Twitter wasn't  invented until the 21st century, because I can think of a bunch of authors I definitely would have followed.  Here are a few:
  1. Oscar Wilde.  Because Twitter was invented for the king of the bon mots ... sadly, 150 years too late.  ("A man's face is an autobiography.  A woman's face is fiction"; "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between"; see what I mean?)
  2. Mark Twain.  He was brutally trashing the hypocracy of society 150yrs ago ("Facts are stubborn; statistics are more pliable") ... can you imagine the fun he'd be having now? 
  3. Homer. Because the man knows how to make anything sound epic. ("And then big-breasted Snookie said unto the bronze-chested Jionni, 'Behold, I am with child!' And Jionni said unto her: 'The brat ain't mine!'")
  4. Dashiell Hammett. Because his posts would sound so wickedly hard-boiled. ("So they bring me a salad and I say: 'What the hell? Go give this to a cow, kill it, and then bring me a freakin' steak!'")
  5. St. Augustine.   Everyone would retweet his awesomely profound posts without ever quite understanding what they mean.
  6. Shakespeare.  Because someone besides hip hop artists ought to be in the business of inventing new slang. ("Didst thou seeest Ryan Zimmerman expound that last pitch?")
  7. Edgar Allen Poe.  Because his posts would be so depressing and morbid, they'd make us feel cheerful and fortunate in contrast.
  8. William Faulkner.  Every post would turn out to be an obscure biblical reference.
  9. Aesop.  Each post would come with a helpful moral.
  10. James Joyce. No one would actually understand his posts, but everyone would pretend to. 
  11. Emily Dickenson.  Because she'd make sure we never lost sight of the little things - birds, bees, snowflakes, kittens.  Also, because the woman desperately needs friends, even if only virtual ones.
  12. Dr. Seuss.  Because political commentary would be so much more jolly in rhyming couplets.  ("When Romney is waxing on taxes, it's taxing ....") 
  13. Jane Austen. Because no social or cultural folly would go un-poked, but she'd go about it in such a delightfully gentile fashion. ("It is a truth universally acknowledged, that every female politician must be in want of a pantsuit.")

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