35+ Cards that Hallmark Needs to Add to Its Inventory

Try as they might, Hallmark just can't seem to keep up with the real world.  Following is a list of sentiments unaccountably lacking from their current catalog. (Yes, I realize some of these are in poor taste. That's what you get for visiting strangers' sites on the internet.)
  1. Celebrating your 1 millionth steps on FitBit!  Because that's a major life milestone, right? Why else would you be wearing one of those ugly things around your wrist 24/7?
  2. Condolences on the end of your favorite television show/series.  Seriously, guys - everything's going to be okay! Believe it or not, people used to live full, meaningful lives without Firefly, Arrested Development, Lost, or Parks & Recreation.
  3. Condolences on your new career in teaching/education.  In this era of sorry teacher salaries, school privatization, and standardized testing, sending a card is really the least you can do.
  4. Condolences on your political party's choice of Presidential candidate.  The genius of this card is that is should market equally well to members of all political persuasions!
  5. Congratulations on your status change from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship"!  Because it's safe to assume that if someone's bothering to update their status on Facebook, they're actually vain enough to believe that there are folks out there who care.
  6. Congratulations on being born white!  Because, increasingly, belonging to any other race or culture in the United States is becoming politically problematical.
  7. Congratulations on buying a hybrid/electric car!  Not saying buying a hybrid isn't laudible ... I just wish they'd SHUT UP about it, so that the rest of us wouldn't be so tempted to send ironic cards.
  8. Congratulations on deciding not to vaccinate your child! (sold as a pack of 5: other cards include "Sympathies on your smallpox diagnosis" "So sorry to hear about you have rubella" "May your measles be measly," and "Oh no, it's polio!")
  9. Congratulations on not killing your kid (even though they clearly deserved it).  They should sell these in packs of a dozen each.
  10. Congratulations on surviving another day!  Because sometimes surviving another day is worthy of congratulations
  11. Congratulations on the acquisition of your latest assault weapon!  Hope those squirrels and rabbits appreciate the firepower!
  12. Congratulations on the success of your viral video!  Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame; hope to God that this isn't all life has in store for you!
  13. Congratulations on winning your fantasy sports league!  You mom must be so proud of you!
  14. Congratulations on your awesome video game victory!  All those those hours indoors, missing out on real life; all those cheetoes and Big Gulps - SO worth it!
  15. Congratulations on your social media following!  Finally, a little validation and respect for those 100 "likes" you earned for your last duckface selfie on Instagram, or finally reaching 20,000 followers on Pinterest!
  16. Congratulations on your baby sleeping through the night!  Ask any parent when their child started sleeping through the night and see can't tell you to the week and hour.  Now tell me, isn't that the defining test of a major life milestone, and therefore deserving of some sort of validation?
  17. Congratulations on your i-doption!  A card for all those pathetic souls who wait in line at Apple stores so they can be the first to buy the latest i-toy.
  18. Congratulations on your latest weight loss!  Because let's get real here - it's not your first diet, and we all know it's not going to be your last. You think we've all forgotten that gloating before/after thing you posted to Facebook last year after you did the Mediterranean Diet? Or the one you posted two years ago after you did the Paleo Diet? Or the one you posted three years ago after you did the Atkins?
  19. Congratulations on your superior child!  For all those parents who just can't stop boasting about their child's GPA, their athletic accomplishments, or their numerous college acceptances.  I guarantee they will not even suspect ironic intentions.
  20. Enjoy your new part time job with no benefits!  A greeting for the new economy.
  21. Happy Conqueror's Day!   Intended to replace traditional Thanksgiving and Columbus Day greetings.
  22. Your black life matters to me!  Forget cards with black Santa Clauses ... here's Hallmark's chance to prove their bi-racial chops!
  23. Happy fanzing!  For those fanboys and girls in your life who seem perfectly content existing in their little fan bubbles.
  24. Happy foreclosure/bankrupcy!  Turn that frowny face upside-downy-face!  
  25. Happy pet anniversary day!  Now that we've tacitly accepted that we're supposed to treat pets like humans, hasn't the time come to start keeping track of anniversaries? 1st year=paper (homework, for destroying); 2nd yr=cotton (a cute/humiliating pet costume); 5th yr=wood (dog chew toy or scratching post); 10th yr=aluminum (collar tag); 15th yr=china (matching engraved food and water bowls)
  26. Happy Valentines Day from your pet!  I can picture them now, full of awful puns and signed with paw prints - because everyone knows animals love puns.
  27. Hoping you don't get kidnapped on your upcoming international vacation!  It's one of those things everyone THINKS, but no one ever says.
  28. So, you're glucose intolerant!  Welcome to the hippest disability since autism!  Come for the soy milkshakes, stay for the whole grain cupcakes! 
  29. Sorry about the whole climate change thing.  The perfect card for that family that just lost their home due to rising sea levels, drought, or the latest superstorm. 
  30. Sympathies on the death of your cellphone/tablet.  Seriously, people, stop mourning your devices like they're people!  Your contact list is automatically BACKED UP!
  31. Sympathies on the death of your favorite Game of Thrones character.  The way the show is going, you may want to buy more than one.
  32. Sympathies on the embarassingly bad performance of your sports team this past season.  It's a sensitive subject, but I trust the empathetic folks at Hallmark to strike just the right tone. 
  33. Sympathies on the loooong wait between now and the next season of your favorite show/the next volume of your favorite series.  What's the use of living in a world full of instant gratification when television producers and authors still have the gall to make us wait for the next installment of the stories we love?
  34. Thank you for putting up with my child! If you're the parent of a middle school student, you should be sending these to EVERY teacher, EVERY year.
  35. Wishing you a safe and uneventful prison term!  What do you give the Wall Street executive that has everything - including a jail sentence for illegal trading? 
  36. Wishing you well in your career as an internet celebrity!  Good luck with that!
  37. Wishing your pet a speedy recovery!  Because Spot and Fluffy are sure to be moved and heartened by your prayers and best wishes.

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