2/04/2012

10 Biographies I'd Pay to Read



I love a good biography, but it saddens me to realize that I'll never able to access the life stories of some of the characters I find the most intriguing, either because the necessary records are lost in time or because, well, the characters don't actually exist.  Think about it - wouldn't it be fascinating to find out at what age Merlin realized he was a wizard? What sort of adult Alice became after all those adventures in Wonderland as an impressionable teen? The hardships and humiliations Aunt Jemima endured on the road to becoming America's foremost pancake icon?

I'm sure everyone would have a different list of biographies they'd pay good money to read: for what it's worth, here's mine. 
  1. Han Solo.  The first of several bad boys to make the list, because you just know bad boys have more fun!
  2. Gandalf.  Tolkien never does explain what wizards are or where they come from, but he tells us enough for us to safely surmise that it's probably one hell of a story.
  3. The Marlboro Man. Didn't the commercials make it look like he had an awesome life? Leaning against those fenceposts out on the open range, not a care in the world except the location of his cigarette lighter.  What a life!  If you omit the whole "dying young of lung cancer" thing, of course.
  4. James Bond.  If the stuff you read in the books and see on the screen is shocking, just imagine what he isn't telling us, probably for our own good?
  5. Shakespeare.  Wouldn't it be nice to finally be able to put this controversy to rest? If the author was a nobleman, then the tale of how he ghosted Shakespeare's plays while successfully concealling the fact from peers and 400yrs worth of subsequent scholarship would be fascinating stuff.  If he was truly the son of a glovemaker, on the other hand, then a bio finally shedding light on how such a man could have possessed the wit and intelligence to write so formidable a body of work would be riveting.
  6. Miss Piggy.  Don't you get the definite impression that this is one pig who has lived life to the fullest?  I bet she could spill some dirt on Hollywood's A list!  The View should consider Miss Piggy the next time they have an opening.
  7. Yoda.  Who was Yoda's Yoda? And where did he acquire those kick-butt light saber skills?  Inquiring minds want to know!
  8. Rhett Butler. Blockade running, smuggling, hanging out with women of ill-repute - what a life this guy must have lived before he ever hooked up with Scarlett!
  9. Sherlock Holmes.  You have to wonder what kind of freaky childhood goes into molding a guy who spends his life committing mud and tobacco ash to memory.

  10. God. My only fear is that should a bio ever became available, I wouldn't be able to read it because it would be written entirely in math.

No comments:

Post a Comment