My grandparents were not forthcoming about their life stories. I'm not sure why. I imagine it may have had something to do with their personalities (they were private, soft-spoken people), my age (they may have assumed I was too young to be interested), avoidance (there may have been things they didn't want to remember - they lived through some hard times), or perhaps it merely had to do with the social "rules" of their generation, a generation that tended to be more reticent about sharing their memories with others.
Since they passed, I've deeply regretted that I wasn't more proactive about asking them about their world, their lives, their memories. The conversations might have been a bit awkward - it's even possible that they might have declined to participate entirely - but I sure wish I'd tried.
Now that my parents are aging, I'm realizing I have another chance. To this end, I've crafted a list of questions that I plan to introduce over the course of the next year - not all at once, but in the course of ordinary conversation, as I can work the questions in. There are a lot of lists like this out on the internet, which I've consulted in the course of compiling this, but you'll probably notice mine is a deal longer, and a bit more detailed. Why? Because my list is designed to dig a level deeper than superficial "What are your happiest memories"-type questions to extract deeper levels of reflection and understanding.
To anyone else out there in the same boat - use these questions, don't use these questions: just take the time, while you still have it, to think about the conversations you'd like to have, those questions about family you always meant to ask, those memories you'd always hoped to share.
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR RELATIVES
1. Tell me about your maternal grandparents. Where did they live over the course of their lives? Who were their siblings? What were their personalities like (strengths & weaknesses)? What did they do for a living? What were their hobbies/interests/gifts?
2. How did the maternal side of your family end up in the US? Where did they come from? Why did they leave? Where did they settle?
3. What role did your maternal grandparents play in your life?
4. Tell me about your paternal grandparents. Where did they live over the course of their lives? Who were their siblings? What were their personalities like (strengths & weaknesses)? What did they do for a living? What were their hobbies/interests/gifts?
5. How did the paternal side of your family end up in the US? Where did they come from? Why did they leave? Where did they settle?
6. What role did your paternal grandparents play in your life?
7. Tell me about your maternal aunts & uncles. Where did they live over the course of their lives? What were their jobs? What were their personalities like (strengths & weaknesses)? What did they do for a living? What were their hobbies/interests/gifts?
8. What role did your maternal aunts & uncles play in your life?
9. Tell me about your paternal aunts & uncles. Where did they live over the course of their lives? What were their jobs? What were their personalities like (strengths & weaknesses)? What did they do for a living? What were their hobbies/interests/gifts?
10. What role did your paternal aunts & uncles play in your life?
11. Tell me about your mom/dad. Where did they live over the course of their lives? What were their jobs? What were their personalities like (strengths & weaknesses)? What did they do for a living? What were their hobbies/interests/gifts?
12. Tell me about brothers/sisters. What were their personalities like (strengths & weaknesses)? What were their interests? What were their jobs? Tell about your relationship with them. Who did they marry, and what do you remember most about their married lives?
13. Tell me about your cousins. What do you remember about them, and what role did they play in your life?
14. Did anyone in the family serve in the military? Tell what you know about their service.
15. Did your family have any customs or traditions related to the country of their origin?
16. Tell me about any people who were important in your family's life but weren't necessarily relatives
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR LIFE (BEFORE MARRIAGE)
1. Where were you born? What do you remember about your first house/town?
2. What other places did you live before you got married? What are your memories of each? (Do you have specific addresses?)
2. What is your earliest memory?
3. What were some of your hobbies/favorite things when you were a child? (toys, games, hobbies, foods, smells ....)
4. What was your parents' parenting philosophy? Were they easy on you? strict? Did they treat you differently from your bothers/sisters?
5. What are your personal religious beliefs and traditions? The religious beliefs and traditions of your family?
6. What values did your parents deliberately instill in you? What values did they inadvertently instill in you?
7. What did you want to be when you grew up?
8. Which "best friends" do you remember? What did you get up to? What did you love about them?
9. Tell about any especially beloved pets you had
10. How did your family celebrate Christmas? Easter? Halloween?
11. Who took care of you as a child? Did you go to kindergarten/preschool? What was your personality like back then? What memories do you have?
12. Where did you go to elementary school? What was your personality like back then? What memories do you have?
13. Where did you go to middle school? What was your personality like back then? What memories do you have?
14. Where did you go to high school? What was your personality like back then? What memories do you have?
15. Where did you go to college? What was your personality like back then? What memories do you have?
16. Where did you go to grad school? What was your personality like back then? What memories do you have?
17. What vacations did your family take? What do you remember about them?
18. What jobs did before you got married?
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Who was your first love?
2. Before getting married, did you have any other serious romantic relationships? What did you learn about love from these relationships?
3. How did you meet your spouse?
4. What made you fall in love? What did you most admire about each other?
5. Tell the story of how you got engaged
6. Tell me about your wedding - where? when? who was there? What are your favorite memories?
7. What marital challenges did you need to navigate early in your married life? (money? family? traditions? foods? housekeeping responsibilities?)
8. Any advice about love & relationships that you want to pass on?
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR LIFE (BEFORE CHILDREN)
1. Where did you live?
2. Would you characterize yourselves as poor, getting by, or wealthy?
3. What jobs did you have during your married life? What do you remember about each?
4. What did you guys enjoy doing before you had children?
5. What vacations did you take before you had children?
QUESTIONS ABOUT BEING PARENTS!
1. When did you find out you were pregnant with me? How did you handle the news?
2. What do you remember about your pregnancy?
3. Tell me about the day I was born (where, when, how ...)
4. What was your parenting philosophy?
5. What values did you feel like it was important for you to instill in your children?
6. What were the hardest things about parenthood? The most unexpected things about parenthood? The coolest things about parenthood?
7. As parents, what did you do best? What did you get right?
8. As parents, what do you wish you could go back in time and do differently?
QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE (BIRTH TO 18)
1. Where are all the places we lived before I turned 18?
2. What was my personality as a baby? As a child?
3. Who was my first best friends?
4. What vacations did we take as a family?
5. What are some things about my childhood that I may not know?
MEMORIES OF A LIFE WELL-LIVED
1. What world events do you remember witnessing? Where were you, and how did they impact you?
2. How has technology changed since you were a child? Which technologies have changed your life most meaningfully?
3. In what ways is the world a better place than when you were a child? What should current generations be celebrating?
4. In what ways is the world a worse place than when you were a child? What could current generations be aspiring to?
5. Did you have any "heroes" growing up? Who do you most admire, and why?
6. What's the kindest thing anyone ever did for you?
7. What's the best advice anyone ever gave you?
8. What professional accomplishments are you most proud of?
9. What personal accomplishments are you most proud of?
10. What are some interesting things about you that people may not know?
11. What physical possessions are most important to you, and why?
12. What's your happy place?
REFLECTIONS/LIFE WISDOM
1. Compare what you wanted to be when you grew up with what you actually became when you grew up? How did things work out?
2. How has your personality changed since you were a child? What would you characterize as your greatest strengths/weaknesses then vs. now?
3. Which relationships/experiences have had the most impact on shaping who you've become as a person?
6: What are you most thankful for? What are the best decisions you ever made?
8. What are the most important lessons you've learned about life? What wisdom/insights would you share with future generations?
9. Let's talk about hard things: What has been the biggest source of stress in your life?
10. What were some of the most difficult challenges you had to face, and how did you deal with them? What did you learn from them?
11. What are some things that never happened for you? Things you wish you'd had the courage, or time, or opportunity to do?
12. What are the hardest life lessons you ever learned?
13. Any secrets you've never told anyone? What are people going to learn about you after you've passed?
14. What would you like to be remembered for? What do you want the mentioned in your obituary?
15. What physical possessions would you like to be preserved by your heirs, and why?
