100 Illogical TV and Movie Tropes: Hollywood and the Willing Suspension of Disbelief

There’s an unwritten compact between Hollywood writers and audiences – that, in return for being entertained, we viewers will agree to forgive certain logical inconsistencies, scientific improbabilities, and narrative contortions, a process known as ‘willing suspension of disbelief.’  Some of these logical liberties are arguably justified: omissions of tedious detail in the cause of creating a more efficient entertainment experience (we're all grateful to skip the small talk); esthetic enhancements in the cause of creating a more attractive version of reality (no one wants to see what those actresses really look like when they wake up). But many of them are, frankly, lazy shortcuts that we've allowed the writers to get away with for so long now, we've simply stopped processing how absurd they are.  

I thought it might be fun to call out some of the more obvious examples. Imagine my surprise when I started counting and realized I was up to 100! I'm not sure whether to interpret this as evidence that we viewers are extremely charitable, or extremely gullible.

"MY TV LIFE" TROPES

1. When female characters wake up in the morning with perfect hair and makeup – not an eye booger or face crease in sight.
2. When the lovers wake up the next morning wearing PJs. We’re supposed to believe that, after a night of hot love-making, they decided to get redressed?
3. When the female MC steps into the shower and tilts her face into the water. As if any human being would willingly invite pelting water to gush into their eyes, noses, and ears.
4. When the MC hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. So rude!
5. When the mom fixes a full breakfast *on a weekday* and no one bothers to eat it – disregarding the fact that no mom has time to make a full breakfast on a workday, and that any mom worth the name would let her family get away with that kind of disrespect!
6. When the MCs agree to meet at a restaurant, order their food, then finish their conversation and walk away, their plates untouched.
7. When the MC is able to flag down a taxi without having to wait. Even funnier if it’s raining!
8. When the MC is driving through a busy city during rush hour, but still manages to find a parking spot right in front of their destination.
9. When the person driving the car barely looks at the road because they’re so engaged in conversation with their passenger.
10. When the MC shows up with a hangover, but the symptoms barely last no longer than the mandatory hangover joke.
11. When every bag of groceries includes either a loaf of French bread or a bouquet of fresh flowers peaking out the top.
12. When the room is filled with candles (in either a creepy or romantic way) – as if anyone would take the time to light 100 candles, and half of them wouldn’t be immediately extinguished by  random drafts. 
13. When characters live in apartments or houses that they couldn’t possibly afford
14. When the MC suddenly reveals that they are able to tango like a house dancer straight off the set of Dancing With the Stars.
15. When the MC has a child but never seems to have to worry about child care.

NARRATIVE CONVENIENCE TROPES

1. When everyone’s at home all day because, besides the MC, no one else actually seems to have a job.
2. When the MC is carrying a suitcase, briefcase, or cup of coffee that is – judging by the way the object reacts to gravity - clearly empty. (Corollary: when the baddies make off with bags of gold bars, seemingly unbothered by the fact that each one weighs 25lbs.)
3. When the MC suddenly reveals that they conveniently speak some exotic language – Arabic, Russian, or sign language.
4. When the MC turns on the TV just in time to catch the precise news story they need to see. (Alternatively, they walk into the restaurant just as the TV over the bar is airing the relevant news story.)
5. When someone throws a punch in a bar and suddenly everyone in the bar decides to engage in the brawl. Fistfights, unlike yawning, aren’t actually contagious. 
6. When people hide things under the floorboards. First of all, where’s the carpeting? Second of all, floorboards not attached to underlying trusses would squeak like a mother, giving their presence away
7. When the intelligence officers with top secret clearances discuss their cases over drinks at the public bar. Holy Security Breach, Batman!
8. When the MC dives into a lake or pond and has no trouble seeing through the water.
9. When people on the brink of death use their final breaths to answer the detective’s questions rather than, you know, asking them to tell their moms that they loved them.
10. When the bomb is diffused with one second remaining. Enough said.  (Honorable mention: when the bomb can only be defused by cutting ONE wire, but not the others. In the real world, cutting ALL the wires is by far he most reliable way to stop a bomb from detonating!
11. When the MC, though vastly outnumbered, manages to win the fight because the villains inexplicably decided to attack them one at a time.
12. When the female MCs emerge from the fray (pursuit, struggle, field hospital, etc.) with her makeup and hair immaculate.
13. When the MCs in the romance comedy are divided by a rift that could be have been mended by a single conversation.
14. When characters insist “there’s no time to explain!” when there’s clearly enough time to explain.
15. When the villain’s henchmen burst into the room and start shooting, giving absolutely no thought to their own safety. Even evil henchman are not immune from the imperative for self-preservation.

CRIME SHOW TROPES

1. When the forensic computers make DNA or facial matches within the first minute of searching.
2. When the forensic IT guy enhances the blurry photo to create a crystal-clear image. Computers are good, but they can’t “enhance” data that doesn’t exist.  
3. When the psychotic killer decorates their room in photos, newspaper articles, and random ephemera, all connected by bits of string. Is there some sort of standard home decorating manual that all psychotic killers are required to consult?
4. When the detectives walk up to the house they can’t legally enter, only to find the door conveniently ajar.
5. When people pop open doors by taking a running start and hitting them with their shoulder. Real doors laugh at us for believing this would work.
6. When the detectives decide to explore that empty warehouse or suspicious apartment using their flashlights, choosing to ignore the conveniently-located light switches by the door
7. Practically everything the movies tell us about knocking people unconscious! The process is unreliable (just hitting someone on the head doesn’t guarantee they’ll drop unconscious), inefficient (even boxers are rarely knocked unconscious for more than 10 seconds), and incredibly harmful …. If an actual person were to be hit on the head as many times as your average fictional detective, they’d be suffering from CTE and dementia by the end of the first season. 
8. When people who have just been informed that their loved ones are dead proceed to calmly answer the detective’s questions. Grief = instantly processed and disposed of!  
9. When the television news shows feature parents begging for help returning their missing loved ones. News programs don’t have that kind of time (unless you’re some sort of celebrity).
10. When the bad guys dig holes for burying their loot or bodies. First of all, it’s incredibly grueling work and takes forever. Second of all, no roots and rocks – seriously?
11. When female detectives show up wearing low-cut blouses, tight skirts, and high heels. Like any actual female detective wants to be worrying about whether their boobs are going to pop out of the top of their tank top during a pursuit.
12. When the person being tortured for information refuses to answer even the questions that, frankly, aren’t that important. 
13. When the detective avoids asking questions that could actually, you know, help solve the crime - because if he/she did, the show would end too soon.
14. When the character has an earpiece in their ear so that they can parrot what they’re being told to say by another character. Can you imagine how awkward an actual conversation conducted in this fashion would hit? 
15. When characters meant to be “inconspicuous” wear earpieces with clearly visible cords – and then spend the entire scene whispering to the people who are listening in, as if that’s not going to immediately arouse suspicion.
16. When the MCs evade being shot by hiding behind car doors. As the Mythbusters have memorably proved, doors can slow bullets, but they don’t stop them
17. When the bad guys shoot into cars or houses, but always waist-high so that the MCs can evade the bullets by simply hugging the floor
18. When the baddies reach up and rip off their face, disclosing that they’ve been wearing a mask the whole time. This one has to amuse the Hollywood makeup artists who spend hours applying prosthetics – “you mean, all we had to do was just create a mask?”  
19. When one character is dabbing at the wound of another without actually touching the “blood,” so that the makeup people don’t have to reapply it in the event of another take.
20. When the mystery is solved by the villain accidentally revealing that they know something about the crime that wasn’t disclosed. Truly the laziest of all plot devices.
21. When a minor characters announces that they know who the murderer is, but they’re going to wait until later to reveal what they know, leaving plenty of time for the murderer to bump them off
22. When the detective gathers all the suspects at the scene of the crime to reveal the villain. Can you imagine a detective attempting this in real life?
23. When the prosecutor in the trial goads the defendant into confessing his guilt while on the witness stand, as the defendant’s attorney does nothing to intercede.

PURSUIT TROPES

1. When the investigators shout “FBI!” from across the road, giving their quarry time to flee.  You know what might work better? Waiting until you’re within arm’s reach before identifying yourselves.
2. When the investigators commandeer a car for the big chase scene, and the car owners willingly step aside with nothing more than a mildly irritated “hey …!” Pretty sure 99.9% of actual car owners would immediately roll up their window, give you the finger, and drive away.
3. When the protagonist flees into the woods but is immediately tracked down by the villain, because apparently all villains possess the tracking skills of aboriginals.
4. When the MC, despite fleeing at top speed, is unable to outrun the villain/monster that is pursuing them at a slow amble
5. When the protagonist insists on fleeing the villain along well-paved roads rather than darting off into the surrounding buildings or woods.
6. When it doesn’t occur to folks fleeing trains to just, you know, step off the side of the tracks.
7. When the MC realizes they’re being followed by a strange car and they decide the best strategy is to drive faster – versus, say, driving straight to the nearest heavily populated area or police station.
8. High speed car chases – especially the ones where the cops place their vehicles in the path of the oncoming villains. No police budget extends to replacing that many cars!
9. When the car runs into a telephone pole and explodes. Hollywood vastly overrepresents the risk of cars exploding on impact.
10. When the MC travels through roomy, clean air ducts. Have you ever seen an actual air duct? Think narrow, filthy, and entirely incapable of supporting the weight of a human. (Plus, you’d make a tremendous amount of noise moving through them – they creak when AIR passes them, for goodness’ sake!)
11. When dudes dressed in full suits pursue their suspects across town in blazing hot weather without breaking a sweat. (We’re talking about you, Miami Vice!) 
12. When people plummet from upper story windows, only to fall into convenient dumpsters or trash trucks. And forget canopies breaking anyone’s fall – those weathered strips of fabric supported by flimsy metal rails wouldn’t break a cat’s fall
13. When the couple holds hands as they flee from danger.  A romantic notion, spoiled by the fact that it’s virtually impossible to gain any sort of speed without pumping your arms as you run, so basically they’re just holding each other back.
14. When folks jump into water from staggering heights and survive the fall. In real life, water molecules can’t displace that quickly, so the impact is similar to hitting concrete.

HORROR TROPES

1. When the MC begins to suspect they’re sharing a house with a malevolent spirit yet they decide to stay. One word: “hotel.”
2. When the MC hears a sound downstairs and creeps down to check it out instead of calling the police, as any sensible person would do.
3. When the monster, moving at a slow ramble, manages to overtake the MC who is fleeing at top speed
4. When the thunderstorm in the background is generating lightning at a rate that would make a Tesla coil blush.
5. When there’s an unknown murderer on the loose, but that one guys decides to split off from the rest of the group because “they can take care of themselves.” Humans are zebras – we instinctively gather in herds when danger approaches, in hopes that the murderer ends up picking someone else to prey on.

SCI-FI TROPES

1. When sound travels through space, undaunted by the fact that sound waves can’t actually move through a vacuum.
2. Also at the risk of stating the obvious – when spaceships travel faster than the speed of light. Unless we’re grossly misunderstanding the way the universe works, this remains a physical impossible.
3. Dogfights in space! This one kills my dad, an engineer who understands (as every middle schooler ought likewise to do) that there is no gravity or friction in space, and therefore no need for banking or other aerodynamic maneuvers.
4. When explosions in space are accompanied by lingering fireballs or smoke, undaunted by the reality that there’s no oxygen in space. In reality, an explosion in space would appear as a split-second flash of light following by an almost instantaneous dispersion of debris.
5. When the aliens have huge eyes (an adaptation for low lighting), but emerge from spaceships that are bathed in brilliant light.
6. When spaceships dodge asteroids in space – asteroids that are, in actuality, separated by tens of thousands of miles.

MEDICAL TROPES

1. When characters with bullet wounds say “I’m okay – it’s just a flesh wound” before picking up where they left off. Are you freaking kidding me? The only acceptable response to being hit by a bullet is screaming in pain and demanding an ambulance.
2. When people slash their palms or arms to draw blood. For one thing, who slashes their arm when all they need are a few drops? Also, a perturbed wince doesn’t ever begin to reflect the amount of pain that such a slash would cause
3. When patients in the hospital dramatically rip out their IV lines and start getting dressed. Those IV lines don’t come out with a fight … and a whole lot of pain. 
4. When the main symptom of the MC’s terminal illness is an inconvenient cough.
5. When people burst through panes of glass with just a few scratches. Reality: most glass windows require tremendous force to break, and anyone bursting through them would immediately begin gushing blood from various slashed aortas
6. When the person treating the MC’s cuts dabs the area around the cut but not the cut itself, leaving the makeup undisturbed for potential retakes.
7. When people have in-depth discussions while out on a jog. No one actually talks when they’re jogging.
8. When the character rips the IV out of their arm without so much as a wince. Most people can’t rip tape off their hairy arm without crying out, much less ripping a needle out of their flesh at the same time.  
9. When the protagonist is wounded and having their wound cleaned – but the person delivering the first aid is merely dabbing at the periphery of the cut so as not to disturb the makeup
10. TV CPR performed at a glacially slow pace in order to allow for dialog. As anyone with first aid training will confirm, effective CPR is rapid and energetic, allowing little scope for anything but breathing heavily and grunting.
11. When the MC spends the previous scene downing drinks like a football player guzzling Gatorade, only to show up in the next scene completely sober.
12. When the MC pushes someone in a dispute, causing them to hit their head on something and instantly die. If skulls were that fragile, few of us would survive our childhoods.
13. When the person being treated for cancer has lost all their hair but still has their eyebrows and eyelashes

SCIENCE & TECH TROPES

1. When the IT specialist hacks into some super-secure network with just a few keystrokes.
2. When the MCs press a button that causes the elevator to abruptly halt. Has anyone ever actually encountered one of these buttons?
3. When the facial recognition technology is able to miraculously transform a pixelated blur into a crisp image.
4. When opening a file launches an avalanche of documents and photos that flash up on the screen all at once – all very dramatic, but can we all agree that’s not how opening a file works?
5. When the detectives find a cellphone at the scene of the crime and immediately start scrolling through the contents – because on TV, cellphone batteries apparently last forever
6. When the scientists invent or distill a vaccine/serum/cure in just a few days. If Covid taught us nothing, it taught us that shit like that takes months.
7. When there’s a thunderstorm raging outside the window and there’s a new flash of lightning every 2 seconds. Unquestionably dramatic, but meteorologically questionable.
8. When the MC is able to successfully land the plane/helicopter based solely on verbal directions relayed from the tower. Anyone who’s ever played a flight simulator game understands how laughable this is. 

ANACHRONISMS

1. When historical characters show up with clean hair and dazzling white teeth. Reality: bathing and teeth whitening weren’t big priorities back in the past.
2. When the “students” in the classroom or wandering about campus (high school, college) are clearly in their 20s or 30s
3. When the teacher is writing something on the chalkboard. Someone needs to update Hollywood writers that teachers stopped using blackboards at least a couple decades ago
4. When the teacher/professor dismisses the students by shouting out the homework as they leave.  (Honorable mention: When the teacher/professor dismisses the students by shouting out the homework as they leave, as if we live in a world without syllabuses.)

20+ Books That Have Become Pop Culture Memes

 

You know those works of literature (books, poems, plays) that are considered so ubiquitous, they’re commonly referenced, without attribution, in a range of popular media?  A commercial with energy drinks labelled "Drink Me."  A sitcom character referring to Big Brother. A meme simply titled “Inconceivable!” You’re expected not just to recognize the reference, but to be familiar the context, because the context is a critical part of the joke. They're "inside jokes," accessible only to those who are familiar with the literary works they reference - literary memes, if you will. 

Was recently discussing with a friend how the writers of shows like The Simpsons, when incorporating literary references, know which ones will be recognized by their average viewers. Which of course got us thinking about what books (poems, plays) might qualify as literary memes. 

Following is our by no means comprehensive list, which was more complicated to compile than we thought because while there are a TON of works that have given rise to a single notable quote, idea, or theme, we decided that a true literary meme has to contribute something more meaningful: establish a lasting genre, define a ubiquitous plot device, or contribute an enduring trope. Moreover, it needs to be something that people know fairly intimately, so that they are capable of appreciating the context of the reference. (Everyone knows "My kingdom for a horse!" but how many people actually know the source or context? See what I mean?)

So, how many of these literary memes would *you* recognize if they popped up on an episode of The Simpsons?  

1.     The Bible (King James version). The grandaddy of all pop culture touchstones! The source material for endless works of art (music, painting, etc.), quotes, philosophical disputes, and literary themes/metaphors. You can read European literature without being familiar with the Bible, but you’re going to miss out on a lot of critical context.

2.     Greek/Roman mythology; Metamorphoses (Ovid). Not sure these are considered works of literature, but they certainly tell stories – stories which continue to influence art, philosophy, literature, the occasional Disney movie, and why we know that a planet named Jupiter is probably hot.

3.     The Complete Grimm’s Fairy Tales (Jacob Grimm); Aesop’s Fables (Aesop). If the source material isn’t biblical or mythological, it’s likely to be one of Aesop or Grimm, tales that we’re still using as metaphors for such common life lessons as “don’t be greedy” (Hansel & Gretl) and “don’t kill the golden goose” (The Golden Goose).  

4.     The Odyssey, Homer. To this day, we still refer to epic journeys as “odysseys,” and we expect everyone to be familiar with the major plot points: the lotus eaters, the sirens, long-suffering Penelope.

5.     The Inferno, Dante. Thank Dante for creating our enduring cultural perception of hell, including such enduring concepts as fire/brimstone, multiple levels, and customized punishments for specific sins.

6.     William Shakespeare (especially Henry V, Hamlet, Romeo & Juliet, and Othello). Shakespeare created the ur-texts for so many enduringly popular themes/genres: patriotism & heroism (Henry V), betrayal (Othello), lust for power (Richard III, MacBeth), Venus meets Mars (Much Ado About Nothing), doomed love (Romeo & Juliet), romantic farce (Midsummer Night’s Dream). And then he went on to create the ur-quotes that we use to explicate every imaginable situation, from “The lady doth protest too much” to “A plague upon both your houses” to “The course of true love never did run true.” Truly the OG of literary references.

7.     The Prince, Machiavelli. Still being used by politicians and leaders to guide their decision-making.

8.     Charles Dickens (especially Great Expectations, David Copperfield, and A Christmas Carol). While his tales aren’t as enduringly influential as Shakespeare, media still loves riffing off his greatest tropes (a shout out to Barbara Kingsolver’s recent Demon Copperhead), and his A Christmas Carol is basically responsible for our current conception of Christmas as a holiday devoted to doing good.

9.     Frankenstein (Mary Shelly); Dracula (Bram Stoker). Can you imagine a world in which our pantheon of monsters doesn’t include these headliners?  

10.   Jane Austen (especially Pride & Prejudice and Emma). Her contribution to pop culture? Establishing some of the most satisfying and enduring tropes of romantic literature, to include (1) dislike transforms into love, (2) friendship transforms into love, and (3) constant affection wins out over infatuation in the end. Don’t know who Mr. Darcy is? You may be the only one.

11.  Agatha Christie (especially Murder on the Orient Express, And Then There Were None). One might think of Christie as the Shakespeare of crime, in recognition of the extent to which her novels have become the ur-texts that inform pretty much every example of crime fiction (literary or TV/movie) that has come since. Recently I spotted “Murder on the Orient Express”-brand tea

12.  Sherlock Holmes (especially The Hound of the Baskervilles), Arthur Conan Doyle. A pop culture reference so pervasive, he can be summoned by the sight of a deerstalker cap, an inverness cape, or a magnifying glass! Beyond these visual references, Doyle’s detective established such enduring tropes as (1) using evidence to solve crimes, (2) pairing detectives with sidekicks, and (3) positing that ghosts/supernatural occurrences usually have logical explanations. (Which, come to think of it, makes Sherlock Holmes the ur-text for basically every episode of Scooby Doo.)  

13.  Moby Dick, Herman Melville. My son – definitely not a reader - once said to me, “Calculus is my white whale.” Point, set, match.

14.  To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee. Not the most powerful book ever written about racism, but because it’s the one we all read in school, it’s the one we tend to turn to when we need a good metaphor for “don’t judge a man until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

15.  1984 (George Orwell); Animal Farm (George Orwell); Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury); The Handmaiden’s Tale (Margaret Atwood); Lord of the Flies (William Golding); The Lottery (Shirley Jackson). Used interchangeably as ur-texts for potential dystopian futures. There’s a definite pop culture expectation that, for each of these, people possess a pre-loaded understanding of (1) what went wrong, (2) how it went wrong, and (3) most egregious outcomes.

16.  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll. Almost impossible to count the ways in which this book has pervaded our universal consciousness, from politicians with Cheshire cat grins to “diving down a rabbit hole.”

18.  The Princess Bride, William Goldman. One of those cultural phenomena that has achieved pop culture meme status as people have come to appreciate the incredible density of useful quotes and applicable situations the book contains.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

• Catch22, Kurt Vonnegut
• Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
• Death of a Salesman, Arthur Miller
• Dr. Faustus, Christopher Marlowe
• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, H.G. Wells
• The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
• The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein
• The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
• Harry Potter series, J.R. Rowling
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
• Oedipus Rex, Sophocles
• The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway
• The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
• The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe
• The Road Less Traveled, Robert Frost
• The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
• The Telltale Heart, Edgar Allan Poe

7.       

100+ Things That Scare Us - an Alphabetical List of All Things Creepy, Spooky, and Horrible

In honor of Halloween, thought I'd assemble the following list of things that are generally considered to be unnerving or terrifying. Had to draw a line somewhere, so have left off weird phobias and gag answers - like "taxes." What follows is, I think, a fairly comprehensive list of the impedimenta that horror story/horror movie writers use to give us goosebumps. What have I missed? 

A- Abandoned buildings/places, acid, AI/sentient robots, aliens, alligators, amnesia, anthropomorphized objects, apocalypse, Armageddon, asteroids, asylums, attics, axes

B- Banshees, bats, bears, bedbugs, bees/killer bees, black cats, bloods, boogiemen, bridges, buried alive

C- Cannibalism, catacombs, cellars/basements, cemeteries/crypts, chain saws, chupacabras, circuses/carnivals, clowns, cobwebs, corpses, creepy children, crossroads, cults/secret societies, curses

D- Danse macabre, darkness, death/Grim Reaper, decapitation, decomposition, deja vu, demonic possession, demons/devils, dentists, dinosaurs, dolls, doppelgangers, dungeons

E- Earthquakes, enclosed spaces, eternity, evil eyes, exorcisms

F- Fires, flesh-eating bacteria, flying monkeys, fog/mist, fortunetellers/psychics, freezing, full moons, furries

G- Gargoyles, ghosts/poltergeists, ghost stories, ghouls, gnomes, goblins, golems, gravediggers/grave robbers

H- Hags/crones, Halloween/All Hallow's Eve/Samhain, hallucinations, hanging trees, haunted places (houses, castles, forests ....), hearses, heights/falling, Hell, hitchhikers, horror movies, human sacrifice

I- Icepicks, imaginary friends, insanity/mania, insects/bugs, insomnia

J- Jump scares (unexpected noises ....)

K- Knives, krakens, Krampus

L- Labyrinths/mazes (corn, topiary ...), leeches, leprechauns, levitation, locked-in syndrome

M- Mad scientists/doctors, magicians/illusionists, mannequins, masquerades, mirrors, monsters, mummies, mutations

N- Needles, nightfall, nightmares

O- Obsession/fanaticism, occult, ossuaries, oubliettes, Ouija boards

P- Paranoia, paranormal abilities (telekinesis ...), parasites, peeping Toms, pigs, pipe organs, piranha, pits/fissures, plagues/diseases, psychosis, puppets/marionettes, purgatory, pyromania

Q- Quicksand

R- Radiation/nuclear disaster, reincarnation, religious orders (monks, nuns ...), rodents, Russian roulette

S- Sacrilege, scalpals/razors, scarecrows, scorpions, seances, serial killers, shadows, sharks, skeletons/skulls, skin-changers, sleepwalking, space, spiders, spiritualists/mediums, snakes, stalkers, submarines, supernatural objects (monkey's paws, amulets, books, photographs ...), supervillains, swamps/bogs

T- Tarot cards, taxidermized animals, thunderstorms/thunder/lightning, tommyknockers, tornadoes, torture

U- Uncanny zone

V- Vampires, ventriloquist dummies, volcanoes/lava, voodoo, voodoo dolls, vultures

W- Wax dummies/wax museums, wells, wendigos, werewolves, witchdoctors, witches/warlocks, worms

Z- Zombies

Book Look: Mercury Pictures Presents, by Anthony Marra

 This is the most satisfying thing I’ve read in a long time. It’s simultaneously funny and heartbreaking, authentic and quixotic, intelligent, absorbing, and masterfully written.

Ostensibly the story is about Maria, a plucky Italian emigree who, as WW2 erupts across Europe, flees Fascist Italy and a haunting, horrible mistake to make a new life in America as the assistant to the head of Mercury Studios, a struggling Hollywood filmmaking company. In truth, however, this book is no more about Maria than it is about the constellation of splendidly realized “bit players” who orbit her: eccentric movie studio bosses and washed up actors, wisecracking emigrees and meddling Italian relatives, beleaguered bureaucrats and ambitious blond secretaries, sentimental prostitutes, mourning mothers, doomed idealists, and racketeers with hearts of gold - characters whose stories, in Marra’s deft hands, are fully as complex and riveting and emotional as the central narrative that binds them together.

If you’re looking for something that will keep your book club talking late into the night, this novel provides plentiful fodder for discussion: the ways in which both Hollywood and the novel’s large cast of emigrees reinvent reality from discarded scraps of the past; the Faustian bargains that so many characters are forced to make in order to protect themselves, their values, or the people they love; the abundant ironies and idiocies of war; the difficulties of making peace with injustice and fate and our own mistakes. Marra’s writing may be empathetic, but it’s also penetrating and perspicuous.

If you’re fascinated by authentic historical detail about Hollywood in its infancy, if you enjoy your heartbreak with a side of incisive humor, if you admire characters who endure hardship with resiliency, grace, and decency, then you're in for a treat. My only regret is that I’ll now have to wait a while before being able to justify re-reading this; but at least that gives me time to explore some of Marra’s other novels in the meantime.

15 Ways to Avoid Becoming the Victim in a True Crime Drama

1. Craigslist. Just don't
2. Tinder. Ditto
3. 100% of guys who boast about being the FBI, CIA, or Special Forces are lying. 
4. If they claim they're wealthy but they're still living with their parents, they are lying and you should be ashamed for being so gullible
5. If they tell you all the people they dated before you were crazy, consider that the common denominator is who they dated before they each went nutty
6. If they cheated with you, they'll cheat on you
7. If they start talking about life insurance on or before the honeymoon, BIG red flag.
8. If the love of your life is over-possessive, jealous, or controlling, you might as well leave a provision in your will  specifying who you want to play you in the podcast they're eventually going to make about your murder.  
9. Psychopaths enjoy church on Sunday too. 
10. By the time someone jokes about wanting to kill you, they're already planning how
11. No one ever looks up "how to hire a hit man" on the internet because they were simply curious 
12. When they ask you to accompany them on a weekend hunting trip, a hike up the side of a steep mountain, or a romantic midnight boat ride, just say no
13. Always. insist. on. meeting. your. ex. in. a. public. place.
14. Let the other wife/husband - the one they didn't tell you about - take them, with your blessing. Hell, throw in a wedding present just to be sure there are no hard feelings
15. Stop using "they seemed normal" as your baseline criteria for trusting people

10 Best Speeches from Movies

In talking to people about their favorite movies, I'm surprised how many people admit, upon further questioning, that it isn't really the whole movie that they love, but a particular speech embedded within the movie that they find themselves returning to again and again for entertainment, for inspiration, for enlightenment.  Which got me thinking about movie speeches that I find myself returning to over time.  I don't pretend that this is a definitive list, but I would argue that all of these speeches know how to bring the goosebumps if you're in the right mood for them. 

1. "Greed is Good" - Wall Street (1987).  "The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind." Decades from now, scholars won't need textbooks and analysis to understand the 1980-2010.  That era's narcissistic, Darwinian flaws are all laid bare in this marvelously succinct speech by Michael Douglas in his role as Gordon Gekko, an unrepentant arbitrageur, stock trader, and corporate raider. 
2. "America Isn't Easy" - The American President (1996).  "We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things, and two things only: making you afraid of it, and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections."  Seriously, they should consider making this speech part of the required curriculum in every civics classes in every high school in America.  It reminds us that democracy is hard, that our election process is dangerously superficial, and that we need serious people to address the serious problems that our nation faces.   [Michael Douglas again: the man knows how to pick a role!]
3. "People Will Come" - Field of Dreams (1989).  "For it is money they have, and peace they lack ..." intones James Earl Jones in this paean to the nostalgic (albeit impossibly sentimentalized) notion of a past time when dads bonded with their sons over playing catch, our love of baseball united us as a nation, and a part of us still embraced the possibility of magic.   
4. "St Crispin's Day" - Henry V (1989).  
   "This story shall the good man teach his son;
   And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
   From this day to the ending of the world,
   But we in it shall be remember'd;
   We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
   For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
   Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
   This day shall gentle his condition:
   And gentlemen in England now a-bed
   Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
   And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
   That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."
   Probably unfair to throw this one in, since Shakespeare was the screenwriter!  While Kenneth Branaugh does a brilliant job of delivering this powerful speech, it's the soaring rhetoric of the language that catches your breath and wrenches it out of your lungs.  Each time I replay this scene, I'm struck anew by the realization that people join the military today for basically the same reasons they did 1000 years ago: for honor, for glory, for brotherhood, and for the hope of immortality.
5. "Today We Celebrate Our Independence Day" - Independence Day (1996).  "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!" Another speech designed to rally the troops, but with a more global message.  Because, face it, if we can't all agree that aliens intent on destroying humanity deserve to die, what hope is there that the nations of the world will ever find common ground?
6. "The Most Important Discovery of My Life" - Beautiful Mind (2002). "I've always believed in numbers; and the equations and logics that lead to reason. But after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask,"What truly is logic? Who decides reason?" My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional -- and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found."  This speech is a powerful reminder that mankind's pursuit of science and understanding must be tempered by humanity and, yes, love. 
7. "I'll Be There". Grapes of Wrath (1940). "Wherever there's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beating up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready…And when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise, livin' in the houses they build, I'll be there too." We intuitively know that the people we love go on living even after they leave us, but this universal truth has never been stated with such simplicity and grace as in this scene from the immortal John Steinbeck classic.
8. "I'm the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth" - The Pride of the Yankees (1942).  "People all say that I've had a bad break. But today -- today I consider myself the luckiest man
   on the face of the earth" intones the great Lou Gehrig in his final speech before thousands of adoring Yankees fans as he announces his forced retirement from baseball due to the diagnosis of the genetic disease we now know as ALS.  This speech is a lovely reminder that happiness isn't about getting everything you want; it's about being wise enough to appreciate everything you have. 
9. "Closing Argument" -To Kill a Mockingbird (1962).  "And so, a quiet, humble, respectable negro, who has had the unmitigated temerity to feel sorry for a white woman, has had to put his word against two white peoples. The defendant is not guilty. But somebody in this courtroom is." The irony of this great quote is, of course, that almost everyone in the courtroom is guilty - perhaps not of the crime of beating poor Mayella Ewell, but of perpetuating the grotesque racism that has led to Tom Robinson's trial (and, in the end, his death).  There are lots of magnificent courtroom speeches in the movies (indeed, this spot almost went to the great Bible speech from Inherit the Wind), but to my mind, none that can hold a candle to this lyric plea for social justice, delivered with brilliant reserve by Gregory Peck.
10. "Was it over when the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor?" - Animal House (1978).  I had to include this speech because it is just so uniquely American.  How like us, as a country, to charge into the breach armed only with a shaky (at best) understanding of history but an unshakable sense of moral authority.

Top 50 Routines from So You Think You Can Dance

As the daughter of a dance teacher/choreographer, always seemed unfair that I didn't inherit my mother's dancing ability.  However, I did inherit her love of dance, and So You Think You Can Dance is the first show in ages that I actually rush home to watch.  Admit my reason for posting this list is entirely selfish - looking forward to consolidating links to all my favorites in one place, so that I can watch these amazing routines as often as I like!

LATIN DANCE FAVORITES

1. Benji and Heidi, Mambo, "Black Mambo." You don't need to watch those ballroom dancing competitions on Saturday afternoon television - just watch these two nationally-ranked performers show you how the mambo is done!  (Gentlemen, take note: no matter how geeky you look, learn to dance like Benji and you'll have to shake the girls off with a stick!)
2. Danny and Lacey, Samba, "Hip Hip, Chin Chin." Steamy, sensuous, sultry, and sexy, sexy, sexy!  No wonder those Latin countries have the reputation they do!  To be fair, have to split the credit for this one three ways: the choreography is smoking, the song is tight, and the performers don't just land it - they nail it.
3. Lindsay and Cole, Paso Doble, "Unstoppable." The paso doble is hard to pull off - unless the male dancer manages to successfully channel the inner ferocity of the dance, the formulaic moves can come off as painfully awkward rather than masculine.  And then, finally, in the show's ninth seasons, two gifted dancers show how it's meant to be done.  Adrenalin-inducing!
4. Lauren and Pasha, ChaCha, "Telephone."  This isn't even close to the best cha cha ever performed on the show - in fact, most of the moves are pretty basic, but between the way Lauren hurls that fringe around and whatever that is that Pasha's doing with his hips, this performance is smoking hot!

BALLROOM DANCE FAVORITES

1. Jakob and Molle, Waltz, "Ordinary Day." Nothing ordinary about this exquisite performance.  Usually when I think of the waltz, my imagination conjures visions of stuffy people in gilded ballrooms.  But this routine made me realize what the waltz can be at its best: energy, joy, and experiencing - if only for the length of a dance - what it must feel like to fly. Add a touch of nostalgia (the costumes, the scenery, the sweetly innocent "boy meets girl" storyline) and you get one of my favorite SYTYCD routines ever.
2. Robert and Ashly, Quick Step, "The Man With the Hex." Quickstep has come to be known as the "dance of death" on the show because it's incredibly hard to bring the level of perfect precision required to make choreography that's incredibly effortful look effortless.  This is as close as any two performers have come to making it work. Just check out the long run they pull off during the bridge ...!

CONTEMPORARY DANCE FAVORITES

1. Kayla and Kupono, Contemporary, "Gravity." This dark but utterly riveting routine personifies the horror of addiction: both the intoxicating grace with which it tempts the addict, and the brutality with which it imprisons them.  The choreography stands alone but - serendipitously - it's performed here by two dancers who can act, and the result is a performance so haunting that you may have trouble shaking it off afterwards. 
2. Brandon and Janette, Jazz, "Ruby Blue." Fun, fun, fun!  Part silent film, part Raiders of the Lost Ark, this routine made me laugh aloud even as the intricate, tongue-in-cheek choreography left me dazzled - performed brilliantly, by the way, by two of the best dancers ever to appear on the show. 
3. Twitch and Katee, Contemporary, "Mercy." Not the most challenging or demanding routine, but definitely one of the most entertaining.  The choreographer seems to be channeling Amy Winehouse by way of the Alvin Alley Dance Company.  Another example of how the right story + the right choreography + the right music + the right dancers = magic.
4. Adichike and Comfort, Hip Hop, "Falling." The choreographer of this routine has perfectly captured the raw pain of breaking up with a partner who is bad for you. Alicia Keyes should consider making this the official video for her song.
5. Ensemble, Contemporary, "Wave."  Setting aside that pretty much everything Travis Wall does is outstanding, this one rises above the others for its eerie beauty and wave-like quality of movement. Who knew a bunch of men could move like this?
6. Kent and Lauren, Contemporary, "Collide." So it helps that this amazingly sweet story of young love is performed by two of SYTYCD's most lovable young dancers, Kent and Lauren, but after you see the way these two gifted dancers pull off this deceptively intricate choreography - including a section in the middle where, I swear, they sustain flawless synchrony for 12 entire bars - you'll agree that only they could have pulled this off.
7. Robert and Alison, Contemporary, "Fix You." On one level, this is a gorgeous contemporary dance performed with near Siamese-twin-like synchronicity by two gifted dancers. On a deeper level, however, it's an incredibly affecting story about supporting someone you love through their darkest hours. Go ahead and appreciate both levels equally; god knows they're both equally worthy.

JAZZ/MODERN DANCE FAVORITES

1. Nick and Melody, Jazz/Broadway, "All That Jazz." This steamy routine is liquid awesome by way of Bob Fosse, poured over a glass full of Broadway. Bartender - bring me another one!
2. Neil and Sabra, Jazz, "Sweet Dreams." Who choreographs a dance about a business negotiation?  After this you may be wondering, why hasn't anyone choreographed a dance about a business negotiation before?  Be prepared to be dazzled by storytelling, the athleticism, the precision, and this one breathtaking moment when Neil vaults over Sabra and the table.   (Forget dance - someone sign that boy up for the U.S. Olympics gymnastic team!)
3. Neil and Lauren, Jazz, "Night of the Dancing Flame."  Both dancers are excellent, but Neil's performance as the villain in this "good vs. evil" parody is over-the-top perfection: imagine Dick Dasterdly as interpreted by Bob Fosse.  

BROADWAY FAVORITES

1. Kent and Neil, Broadway, "Damn Yankees."  Don't know if this will make anyone else's "Top 15" list, but for me this energetic, acrobatic routine represents pure Broadway magic with a heaping plate of "Gee Whiz!" on the side.
2. Billy and Katee, Broadway, "McCaverty, the Mystery Cat." I'm not sure choreographers always knew what to do with Billy's style of dance, characterized by a range of movement seemingly unhindered by bones, but whoever figured out he'd make a great cat was channeling genius. Watch this and ask me afterwards if you wouldn't pay $200 a ticket to see this guy in Cats.
3. Gaby & Lex, Tap, "More." This tap-a-licious routine whisks you back to a more carefree era, a time when movies were in black & white, men were dashing, women were fresh-faced, people dressed for dinner, and romance was always just a tap dance away. 

HIP HOP FAVORITES

1. Twitch and Alex, hip hop, "Get Outta Your Mind." The routine features a hip hop-dancing therapist trying to help a classically trained ballet dancer patient get his freak on.  Which is the stuff of great drama - but when you add the fact that Twitch really is a hip hop God, and Alex really is a classically trained ballet dancer, you get magic.
2. Chelsea and Mark, Hip Hop, "Bleeding Love." This was the first time a hip hop routine made me cry. Dare you not to be moved by this simple but exquisite piece of choreography depicting a wife trying desperately to compete for the attention of her workaholic husband. 
3. Comfort, Twitch, Cyrus, Christopher Wade, Dub Step, "Holy Ghost." I'm in awe of this new generation of dancers and the control they have over their bodies, which styles like "animation" and "dub step" highlight.  The incredibly intricate moves of this dub step still make my jaw drop.

ENSEMBLE HITS

1. Ensemble, Contemporary, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic." Seriously, if anyone ever turns Alice in Wonderland into a dance operetta, it's going to look just like this: equal parts beautiful, unsettling, frenetic, and magical. By far my favorite Mia Michaels choreography.
2. Ensemble, Jazz, "Fame." Every time I watch this number by choreographer Wade Robson I'm reminded of a great line from the musical Amadeus, in which Mozart celebrates opera for its ability to transform 20 voices speaking all at once from cacophony to beauty. In this case it's 20 dancers all going about their own business, except that Wade Robson turns all that cacophony into something gorgeous.
3. Ensemble, Jazz, "All That Jazz." So I've already listed an All That Jazz cover on this list, which makes me wonder if I just have a thing for Bob Fosse.  Maybe, but there's also Mark, the lead dancer in this, who sizzles with popping electricity from the moment the dance begins, animating the whole cast.
4. Ensemble, Broadway, "Puttin' on the Ritz." Let's call this what it is: a whopping dose of infectious energy topped by a swirl of good clean fun with a cherry on top. Probably helps that it's the first ensemble dance of the season - the dancers are visibly busting with excitement and pride at having made it on the show and their visible joy is contagious.
5. Ensemble, Contemporary, "Ramalama Bang Bang."  This show definitely explores the extremes of dance. But how can you not love this twisted, brilliant routine choreographed to a song that sounds like the music zombies would make if they could form their own band?  (FYI, the male dancer who's clearly better than all the others is the routine's choreographer, Wade Robson.)
6. Ensemble, Contemporary, "Bang Bang."  This country-themed ensemble number mixes tongue-in-cheek stereotype, energy, athleticism, and a whole lot of neon to produce a number that radiates sheer, unapologetic fun.
7. Ensemble, Contemporary/hip hop, "Velocity." If The Matrix were a musical, it would look like this!  This one's just for the men, who bring the house down with a routine that combines big choreography, raw athleticism, and a totally awesome Jason Bourne vibe. 

FREAKS & GEEKS! A category for all the one-offs and indescribables!

1. Dominic and Robert, Hip Hop, "Scars." Does it get creepier than zombies?  One word for you: clowns.  The frenetic choreography of this piece perfectly complements the disturbing score, creating a dance that you'll remember ... in your nightmares!
2. Courtney and Mark, Jazz, "The Garden." And now for something completely different ...!  This is so strange, which I'm sure is what makes it so fascinating. Sexual energy literally explodes from the dancers with each lunge, kick and pounce.  Fierce!
3. Jaimie and Hok, Jazz, "The Chairman's Waltz." For all they talk about the importance of different styles of dance, SYTYCD has a blind spot with respect to ballet.  Which is a shame, because this luminous performance shows that ballet can be about a lot more than tutus and toe shoes.
4. Brandon and Janette, Disco "Loving is Really My Game." I know ... DISCO. But you know how one tends to forget the painful memories and remember the idealized ones? Here's your chance to forever bury any painful recollections you may cling to of "bump" choreography and white leisure suits and replace them with what all of us who actually lived through the 1970s like to believe disco was really about - energy, celebration, dazzle, spectacle, and pure, unrestrained joy.
5. Tiffany and Eliana, Pole Dance, "When You're Good to Mama."  This number will make you wonder why burlesque ever died.

Most Romantic Movies Ever Made

What exactly makes a movie "romantic"? Is it romantic tension or sexual tension (or both)? Also, how are you supposed to compare classic explorations of love like West Side Story with frivolous romantic comedies like Sleepless in Seattle?  I've decided that the only way to be fair and comprehensive is to divide the genre into types, which gives me an excuse to include all my favorites ...

1. Star Crossed Lovers. The most venerable of all genres, this one has been around since well before Shakespeare penned Romeo & Juliet. Goodness knows why we enjoy being tormented by stories of love and lovers torn tragically asunder, but we do. We love it so much, in fact, that over the years this genre has spawned a host of subgenres, each well-represented by romantic classics.
1. First, there's the Married to Someone Else subgenre, as represented by Casablanca, Out of Africa, Bridges of Madison County, Now Voyager and Frenchman’s Creek. You’re not just crying because of love thwarted, but also because the characters who make the anguished decision to place marriage, duty and honor above their own happiness are just so damned noble.
2. There’s the Dead But Not Forgotten subgenre, in which the lovers are separated by that whole pesky not being alive thing. Think The Ghost & Mrs. Muir and City of Angels. But at least you have the consolation of knowing that eventually the lovers will find themselves on the same side of the Great Veil; and I, for one, like to think that Mrs. Muir is going to have the time of her non-life when finally reunited with the Captain.
3. The granddaddy of them all, however, is definitely the Separated by Class or Race subgenre. It was good enough for Shakespeare, and it was good enough for the directors of such blockbusters as Titanic, West Side Story, Officer and a Gentleman, Pretty Woman, and Dirty Dancing. Tony and Maria, separated by race. Rose and Jack, separated by class (and, eventually, a whole lot of water). Edward and Vivian, separated by the whole legitimate businessman/skanky woman of uncertain virtue thing. For obvious reasons, movies in this category have a tendency to end badly. Tony gets shot. Jack drowns. But sometimes the screenwriters take pity on us and seemingly insurmountable circumstances are surmounted by a grandiose gesture, as when Richard Gere whisks Debra Winger away from her dreary factory life in Officer and a Gentleman, or when he climbs up the ladder to rescue Julie Roberts from her tower. And no one puts Baby in a corner …!
2. Moving On. Who would have thunk it … a whole genre devoted to spouses who die and the loved ones they leave behind. Always. Sleepless in Seattle. Ghost. Truly Madly Deeply.  PS: I Love You. While we all say that we would like our spouses to find a way to be happy if – God forbid – we should predecease them, don’t we really want them to ache for us the way that Holly Hunter aches for Richard Dreyfuss in Always? The way Demi Moore aches for Patrick Swayze in Ghost? The way Juliet Stevenson aches for John Rickman in Truly, Madly, Deeply? Don’t we secretly want them to call radio stations and talk about how unforgettable we were, a la Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle? Of course, after an appropriate amount of time we also want them to nobly give us their blessing to move on … and all the better if moving on means new love in the arms of a hunky, square-chinned Adonis a la Brad Johnson in Always. (Sorry – you guys have to settle for Meg Ryan.)
3. Sweet, Sweet Torment. They simmer. They glare. They brood – oh, how they brood! Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck. Lawrence Olivier as Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. Not the kind of guys you want to take home to mama, but don’t we all secretly wish that we had the power to drive men mad with desire for us?
4. Bad Boys & the Women Who Love Them. Bad boys, bad boys … whatcha gonna do? They revel in their own irredeemibility, and yet we can’t help loving them. Gone With the Wind's Rhett Butler is an unabashed scoundrel, but did you see anyone else at that ball worth dancing with? Dennis Quaid in The Big Easy is another rascal, but there’s something about that Cajun accent and that wicked smile that makes us willing to forgive him anything.
5. Waiting for them to Figure It Out. Sometimes the romantic tension is there from the start, but it takes a whole movie for one or more of the characters to wise up. In When Harry Met Sally, Harry meets Sally at the beginning of the movie, but it takes a whole reel before he realizes that he is in love with her. And thank goodness for Cuba Gooding Jr.'s performance or I’m not sure any of us would have had the patience to stick around long enough to see Jerry Maguire finally figure things out. For all my irreverent bashing, however, I discover that two of my favorites -- Emma and Strictly Ballroom —fall into this category. We should all be so lucky to have a Mr. Knightly or a Fran out there waiting for us to notice them.
6. Lovin’ the Wrong Man. Related to the previous category but deserving of a category of its own, this one is all about the ones who are in love with Mr. Wrong, while all the time Mr. Right is right there, under their nose, just waiting for them to come to their senses. It’s enough to make you want to reach into the screen and give them a good shaking. At least in While You Were Sleeping and Sabrina, Sandra Bullock and Audrey Hepburn do eventually hook up with the right brother. But what is Julia Ormond’s problem in Legends of the Fall? Okay, so Brad Pitt is gorgeous, but why can’t she see that Aidan Quinn is the only one capable of making her happy?
7. Workin’ My Way Back To You. You have to love a guy willing to jump through hoops to prove that he is worthy of his inamorata’s love. Whether it’s leaving their guitar behind (Goodbye Girls) or reliving the same day over and over again until they get it right (Groundhog Day) or possessing the desperation (not to mention the upper arm strength) to hold an enormous boombox over their heads while Peter Gabriel croons In Your Eyes (Say Anything), there’s something irresistably compelling about a man who wants your love badly enough to work for it. (Be honest now – doesn’t hearing that Peter Gabriel song on the radio still make you want to take Lloyd Dobler to bed?)
8. Save Me, I’m Yours. Of all the genres, I confess a weak spot for this one. It may be primitive, but give me a guy with courage, strength, and moral fiber and I will go weak at the knees every time. (And if he happens to be wearing a loincloth, a breastplate, or a mask, my bodice may just bust of its own accord.) Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans. (“Stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you.” – Oh, you will find me – I’ll make sure of that.) Russell Crowe in Gladiator. (“Leave this place and never think of me again.” If he really meant it, then he shouldn’t contrive to look so damn good-looking in that torn tunic.) Cary Elwes in Princess Bride. (“As you wish.” Enough said.) Be still my beating heart.
9. Going, Going, Gone. Man meets lady. Man and lady fall in love. Man (or lady) falls sick and dies. The end. While a part of me resents movies in this category for being unabashedly manipulative, some of them are so well done that I find myself able to forgive them, even as I am reaching for the nearest box of tissues. Love Story. Finding Neverland. Hint: If a characters coughs early in the movie, assume they’re a goner and start emotionally preparing for the inevitable.

Want to suggest a movie I’ve neglected, or propose a category that I may have overlooked? Let me hear from you!

50+ Romance Novel Obstacles to True Love

This is yet another one of those blog entries that stems from a conversation with girlfriends.  Discussing the  particularly preposterous plot of a recent popular romance series (hint: time travel and kilts), it occurred to us that all romance plots are inherently a little preposterous, if only because of the necessity for manufacturing some obstacle to keep the lovers separated long enough to generate a plot.  After all, where’s the fun in lovers finding each other in the first chapter and living happily ever after?   Where’s the sexual tension, where’s the suspense, where’s the glorious frisson when love finally triumphs over all obstacles placed in its path?

In real life, obstacles to True Love tend to be, well, boring: personality conflicts, parental objections, money.  Fortunately, romance writers are much more creative – it’s hard to imagine a tragedy, complication, misunderstanding or act of villainy that they haven’t enlisted in the cause of thwarting the course of True Love.  Nor would we want it any other way.

Following is the list we whimsically initiated that day, with sample books/movies supplied when we could think of them.   If you’re a romance writer in search of inspiration for conflicts, help yourself.  Otherwise, enjoy the opportunity to celebrate the sheer scope, creativity, and venerable cheesiness of these familiar, beloved romance tropes:

 Separated by social forces/conventions

1. Separated by religion.  Is there an easier way to torment your lovers than by having one of them come from a Catholic family, the other from a Protestant family?  Or doom one to be raised in an Amish community while the other is an avowed Outsider?  Might de Boise-Guilbert and Rebecca (Ivanhoe) have lived happily ever after if it hadn’t been for whole the “I’m a Christian crusader, you’re a Jew” objection? 
2. Separated by economic status.  God help the rich man or woman who gives their heart to someone with a heart of gold but a purse of dust, for their relatives are sure to throw a hissy.  (Sense & Sensibility, Persuasion)
3. Separated by social status.  Because everyone knows ogres can’t be permitted to fall in love with princesses (Shrek), businessmen can’t be allowed to fall in love with prostitutes (Pretty Woman), and girls of good family can’t go around lusting after brooding stableboys (Wuthering Heights).
4. Separated by race/nationality.  Sadly, his may be the only one on the list that actually occurs more often in real life than in books, though it’s a reliable trope in Bollywood movies where dishy Indian protagonists are forever falling in love with unsuitable Westerners.
5. Separated by age.  Can either take the form of protagonists too young to marry or a doomed May/December romance (Big, Lost in Translation, Harold and Maude, Moonrise Kingdom).
6. Separated by business interests.  One’s a cop, one’s a famous jewel thief (To Catch a Thief); or, one’s the owner of the business, the other’s a secretary (Working Girl); or, one owns a conglomerate, the other owns an independent shop (You’ve Got Mail). Can True Love triumph over job conflicts?
7. Separated by feud.  Romeo and Juliet.  That’s all we need to say about that.
8. Separated by politics.  A standard conflict in historical romances, especially those that involve civil wars.

 Separated by intellectual/emotional differences

1. Separated by ideas. He’s a liberal (environmentalist, activist, social worker), she’s a conservative (business executive, lawyer) – can they do a better job than Congress of overcoming their ideological differences? (The Way We Were)
2.  Separated by emotions.  He’s brazen, she’s shy (Mansfield Park); he’s uptight, she’s quirky (basically anything starring Meg Ryan); she’s a brain, he’s a slacker (Say Anything).  Apparently opposites do attract – just not until the final chapter.
3. Separated by temperament. They can’t live with each other, but it turns out they can’t live without each other either (His Girl Friday).

 Separated by circumstances

1.  Separated by prior obligations.  “I cannot marry you as I have, alas, been promised to another!”  Especially common in historical romances, back when parents arranged their childrens’ marriages based on political, social, and business considerations (Sense & Sensibility, Shakespeare in Love).
2. Separated by an inconvenient marriage.  Because nothing crushes budding love like a mad woman in the attic (Jane Eyre), a coma wife, or that rash decision made when you were still young and impressionable (Casablanca, Bridges of MadisonCounty).
3. Separated by loyalty/duty.  How do you choose between friendship, loyalty, duty, and love? (My Best Friend’s Wedding; Lancelot & Guinevere in Le Morte de Arthur)
4. Separated by profession. One (or both) have jobs that constantly separate them (celebrities, athletes, musicians, interpreters, art restorers, foreign correspondents) and often involve romantic temptations.
5. Separated by DNA. Lovers discover they are tragically related to each other – cousins, or a brother/sister separated at birth.
6. Separated by artifice. One (or both) are entangled in a sham marriages (or engagements)  (While You Were Sleeping).
7. Separated by world events. The course of true love is interrupted by a crisis: war (Last of the Mohicans), plague, or the ever-popular captured by pirates (The Princess Bride).
8. Separated by tragedy. The course of true love is interrupted by a major life event or tragedy: a death in the family, a political setback, or a sudden change in economic circumstances (an inheritance or bankruptcy).

 Separated by deliberate interference

1. Separated by rivals. The course of true love is interrupted by a jealous rival or other interested party (Antony & Cleopatra, Snow White).
2. Separated by competing agendas. The course of true love is interrupted by friends/family members with their own agendas.  Because nothing’s as insidious as the manipulations of someone your characters erroneously trust but who is in fact motivated by greed, selfishness, and/or revenge (A Separate Peace, Othello).
3. Separated by trial. One lover must successfully complete a quest or deed to earn the attention and favor of their inamorata (Ivanhoe).

Separated by supernatural forces. 

1. Separated by time.  The lovers somehow contrived to meet across time but are doomed forever to be parted by the eras that separate them (The Time-Traveller’s Wife, Outlander).
2. Separated by mortality.  One lover’s a mortal, the other’s a ghost; a guaranteed tear-jerker of a conflict (Ghost, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir).
3. Separated by species.  Because nothing’s quite so fraught with complications as falling in love with a creature of an entirely incompatible species – say, a vampire, werewolf, mermaid or fairy (Twilight series, Edward Scissorhands).
4. Separated by destiny.   A superstition, omen, or prophecy keeps the lovers separated – you’ll find this one in medieval romances and some fantasy/sci fi.

Separated by noble sentiments

1. Separated by self-denial. One lover nobly eschews romance because they are secretly suffering from a wasting illness, a mental disorder, a drug addiction, or some other depressing malady.  Damn their scruples!
2. Separated by a Terrible Secret. One lover nobly eschews romance because they possess a Terrible Secret that will prevent them from having children (a genetic disorder; a previous trauma that prevents conception).
3. Separated by honor. One lover nobly eschews romance because they were Tragically Orphaned At Birth (or, alternatively, suffering amnesia) and don’t feel they can honorably enter into a marriage without knowing the full details of their own parentage/heritage.  An honorable old Dickensian trope.
4. Separated by nobility. One lover nobly eschews romance because the object of their amour is obviously vulnerable, damaged, or for some other reason unable to rationally evaluate their decision to enter into a relationship.
5. Separated by sacrifice. One lover adores the other so completely, they’re willing to sacrifice their happiness to help the other (City Lights).

Separated by insecurity

1. Separated by poor self-esteem. One lover deliberately eschews the other because they don’t believe they’re worthy of love, possibly because they feel themselves too plain (Jane Eyre)  or too damaged (Moonstruck).
2. Separated by professional jealousy. One lover becomes jealous of the professional successes of the other (A Star is Born).
3. Separated by isolation. Lovers fall in love in absentia – perhaps via mail, email, phone calls, letters in trees, or letters in bottles – then become afraid to meet lest their hopes be dashed.

Separated by vocation or calling

1. Separated by ambition. One lover deliberately eschews love/marriage in order to pursue a vocation or calling (The Natural, It’s a Wonderful Life).
2. Separated by vocation. One lover takes a vow of celibacy/chastity, either as part of a profession of faith or as a vow to god in exchange for some great favor (The Thorn Birds).
3. Separated by social convention. One (or both) are trapped in careers where lovers and/or spouses could make things inconvenient  (Elizabeth the Queen, The American President).

Separated by unsuitability

1. Separated by worthiness. One of the lovers (or both) must modify some character defect in order to deserve the other (Mr. Darcy & Elizabeth in Pride & Prejudice; Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind; Bill Murray in Groundhog Day; Han Solo in Star Wars).
2. Separated by entanglement. One of the lovers must free themselves from  an unsuitable entanglement (for example, that girlfriend/boyfriend who is only using them for their money/their influence/to make someone else jealous) in order to become available to the other.  (Jane Eyre)
3. Separated by prejudice. One of the lovers must overcome a preconceived prejudice against the other (Pride & Prejudice, Cyrano de Bergerac, Ms. Congeniality).

Separated by memories of love

1. Separated by mourning. One lover deliberately throws obstacles in the path of romance because they’re not yet over a previous romance – even better if their first love died under sudden and tragic circumstances (Always, Sleepless in Seattle).
2. Separated by psychological scars. One lover deliberately eschews romance because they still bear psychological scars from their last traumatic romantic entanglement (Rebecca).

Separated by blindness

1. Trapped in the "Friend Zone." Friends fall gradually in love (Harry Potter).
2. Separated by Temper. Enemies or rivals fall gradually in love (All’s Well That Ends Well, It Happened One Night, When Harry Met Sally).
3. Separated by Unrequited Love.  One minute he’s in your “friend zone,” the next moment you’re realizing he’s Mr. Right (Emma, Jerry Maguire, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Kermit the Frog & Ms. Piggy).

Separated by deception

1. Separated by Subterfuge. One of the lovers is living a secret life - spy, fugitive, superhero - that they are not at liberty to disclose (Batman, Spiderman, Zorro).
2. Separated by Impersonation. One lover is pretending to be someone they’re not.  This is one of Shakespeare’s favorite tropes; there’s almost always someone passing as someone else, and usually as someone of the opposite sex.

Separated by a BIG MISUNDERSTANDING. 

1. Separated by Misunderstanding. And finally, the granddaddy of them all, the “Big Misunderstanding” – where one lover mistakenly believes the other lover has somehow let them down (White Christmas), or there’s an outside force preventing them from pledging themselves to another, but by the time the last chapter rolls around, all the misapprehensions have been dispelled, clearing the way for True Love to triumph.