100 Illogical TV and Movie Tropes: Hollywood and the Willing Suspension of Disbelief

There’s an unwritten compact between Hollywood writers and audiences – that, in return for being entertained, we viewers will agree to forgive certain logical inconsistencies, scientific improbabilities, and narrative contortions, a process known as ‘willing suspension of disbelief.’  Some of these logical liberties are arguably justified: omissions of tedious detail in the cause of creating a more efficient entertainment experience (we're all grateful to skip the small talk); esthetic enhancements in the cause of creating a more attractive version of reality (no one wants to see what those actresses really look like when they wake up). But many of them are, frankly, lazy shortcuts that we've allowed the writers to get away with for so long now, we've simply stopped processing how absurd they are.  

I thought it might be fun to call out some of the more obvious examples. Imagine my surprise when I started counting and realized I was up to 100! I'm not sure whether to interpret this as evidence that we viewers are extremely charitable, or extremely gullible.

"MY TV LIFE" TROPES

1. When female characters wake up in the morning with perfect hair and makeup – not an eye booger or face crease in sight.
2. When the lovers wake up the next morning wearing PJs. We’re supposed to believe that, after a night of hot love-making, they decided to get redressed?
3. When the female MC steps into the shower and tilts her face into the water. As if any human being would willingly invite pelting water to gush into their eyes, noses, and ears.
4. When the MC hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. So rude!
5. When the mom fixes a full breakfast *on a weekday* and no one bothers to eat it – disregarding the fact that no mom has time to make a full breakfast on a workday, and that any mom worth the name would let her family get away with that kind of disrespect!
6. When the MCs agree to meet at a restaurant, order their food, then finish their conversation and walk away, their plates untouched.
7. When the MC is able to flag down a taxi without having to wait. Even funnier if it’s raining!
8. When the MC is driving through a busy city during rush hour, but still manages to find a parking spot right in front of their destination.
9. When the person driving the car barely looks at the road because they’re so engaged in conversation with their passenger.
10. When the MC shows up with a hangover, but the symptoms barely last no longer than the mandatory hangover joke.
11. When every bag of groceries includes either a loaf of French bread or a bouquet of fresh flowers peaking out the top.
12. When the room is filled with candles (in either a creepy or romantic way) – as if anyone would take the time to light 100 candles, and half of them wouldn’t be immediately extinguished by  random drafts. 
13. When characters live in apartments or houses that they couldn’t possibly afford
14. When the MC suddenly reveals that they are able to tango like a house dancer straight off the set of Dancing With the Stars.
15. When the MC has a child but never seems to have to worry about child care.

NARRATIVE CONVENIENCE TROPES

1. When everyone’s at home all day because, besides the MC, no one else actually seems to have a job.
2. When the MC is carrying a suitcase, briefcase, or cup of coffee that is – judging by the way the object reacts to gravity - clearly empty. (Corollary: when the baddies make off with bags of gold bars, seemingly unbothered by the fact that each one weighs 25lbs.)
3. When the MC suddenly reveals that they conveniently speak some exotic language – Arabic, Russian, or sign language.
4. When the MC turns on the TV just in time to catch the precise news story they need to see. (Alternatively, they walk into the restaurant just as the TV over the bar is airing the relevant news story.)
5. When someone throws a punch in a bar and suddenly everyone in the bar decides to engage in the brawl. Fistfights, unlike yawning, aren’t actually contagious. 
6. When people hide things under the floorboards. First of all, where’s the carpeting? Second of all, floorboards not attached to underlying trusses would squeak like a mother, giving their presence away
7. When the intelligence officers with top secret clearances discuss their cases over drinks at the public bar. Holy Security Breach, Batman!
8. When the MC dives into a lake or pond and has no trouble seeing through the water.
9. When people on the brink of death use their final breaths to answer the detective’s questions rather than, you know, asking them to tell their moms that they loved them.
10. When the bomb is diffused with one second remaining. Enough said.  (Honorable mention: when the bomb can only be defused by cutting ONE wire, but not the others. In the real world, cutting ALL the wires is by far he most reliable way to stop a bomb from detonating!
11. When the MC, though vastly outnumbered, manages to win the fight because the villains inexplicably decided to attack them one at a time.
12. When the female MCs emerge from the fray (pursuit, struggle, field hospital, etc.) with her makeup and hair immaculate.
13. When the MCs in the romance comedy are divided by a rift that could be have been mended by a single conversation.
14. When characters insist “there’s no time to explain!” when there’s clearly enough time to explain.
15. When the villain’s henchmen burst into the room and start shooting, giving absolutely no thought to their own safety. Even evil henchman are not immune from the imperative for self-preservation.

CRIME SHOW TROPES

1. When the forensic computers make DNA or facial matches within the first minute of searching.
2. When the forensic IT guy enhances the blurry photo to create a crystal-clear image. Computers are good, but they can’t “enhance” data that doesn’t exist.  
3. When the psychotic killer decorates their room in photos, newspaper articles, and random ephemera, all connected by bits of string. Is there some sort of standard home decorating manual that all psychotic killers are required to consult?
4. When the detectives walk up to the house they can’t legally enter, only to find the door conveniently ajar.
5. When people pop open doors by taking a running start and hitting them with their shoulder. Real doors laugh at us for believing this would work.
6. When the detectives decide to explore that empty warehouse or suspicious apartment using their flashlights, choosing to ignore the conveniently-located light switches by the door
7. Practically everything the movies tell us about knocking people unconscious! The process is unreliable (just hitting someone on the head doesn’t guarantee they’ll drop unconscious), inefficient (even boxers are rarely knocked unconscious for more than 10 seconds), and incredibly harmful …. If an actual person were to be hit on the head as many times as your average fictional detective, they’d be suffering from CTE and dementia by the end of the first season. 
8. When people who have just been informed that their loved ones are dead proceed to calmly answer the detective’s questions. Grief = instantly processed and disposed of!  
9. When the television news shows feature parents begging for help returning their missing loved ones. News programs don’t have that kind of time (unless you’re some sort of celebrity).
10. When the bad guys dig holes for burying their loot or bodies. First of all, it’s incredibly grueling work and takes forever. Second of all, no roots and rocks – seriously?
11. When female detectives show up wearing low-cut blouses, tight skirts, and high heels. Like any actual female detective wants to be worrying about whether their boobs are going to pop out of the top of their tank top during a pursuit.
12. When the person being tortured for information refuses to answer even the questions that, frankly, aren’t that important. 
13. When the detective avoids asking questions that could actually, you know, help solve the crime - because if he/she did, the show would end too soon.
14. When the character has an earpiece in their ear so that they can parrot what they’re being told to say by another character. Can you imagine how awkward an actual conversation conducted in this fashion would hit? 
15. When characters meant to be “inconspicuous” wear earpieces with clearly visible cords – and then spend the entire scene whispering to the people who are listening in, as if that’s not going to immediately arouse suspicion.
16. When the MCs evade being shot by hiding behind car doors. As the Mythbusters have memorably proved, doors can slow bullets, but they don’t stop them
17. When the bad guys shoot into cars or houses, but always waist-high so that the MCs can evade the bullets by simply hugging the floor
18. When the baddies reach up and rip off their face, disclosing that they’ve been wearing a mask the whole time. This one has to amuse the Hollywood makeup artists who spend hours applying prosthetics – “you mean, all we had to do was just create a mask?”  
19. When one character is dabbing at the wound of another without actually touching the “blood,” so that the makeup people don’t have to reapply it in the event of another take.
20. When the mystery is solved by the villain accidentally revealing that they know something about the crime that wasn’t disclosed. Truly the laziest of all plot devices.
21. When a minor characters announces that they know who the murderer is, but they’re going to wait until later to reveal what they know, leaving plenty of time for the murderer to bump them off
22. When the detective gathers all the suspects at the scene of the crime to reveal the villain. Can you imagine a detective attempting this in real life?
23. When the prosecutor in the trial goads the defendant into confessing his guilt while on the witness stand, as the defendant’s attorney does nothing to intercede.

PURSUIT TROPES

1. When the investigators shout “FBI!” from across the road, giving their quarry time to flee.  You know what might work better? Waiting until you’re within arm’s reach before identifying yourselves.
2. When the investigators commandeer a car for the big chase scene, and the car owners willingly step aside with nothing more than a mildly irritated “hey …!” Pretty sure 99.9% of actual car owners would immediately roll up their window, give you the finger, and drive away.
3. When the protagonist flees into the woods but is immediately tracked down by the villain, because apparently all villains possess the tracking skills of aboriginals.
4. When the MC, despite fleeing at top speed, is unable to outrun the villain/monster that is pursuing them at a slow amble
5. When the protagonist insists on fleeing the villain along well-paved roads rather than darting off into the surrounding buildings or woods.
6. When it doesn’t occur to folks fleeing trains to just, you know, step off the side of the tracks.
7. When the MC realizes they’re being followed by a strange car and they decide the best strategy is to drive faster – versus, say, driving straight to the nearest heavily populated area or police station.
8. High speed car chases – especially the ones where the cops place their vehicles in the path of the oncoming villains. No police budget extends to replacing that many cars!
9. When the car runs into a telephone pole and explodes. Hollywood vastly overrepresents the risk of cars exploding on impact.
10. When the MC travels through roomy, clean air ducts. Have you ever seen an actual air duct? Think narrow, filthy, and entirely incapable of supporting the weight of a human. (Plus, you’d make a tremendous amount of noise moving through them – they creak when AIR passes them, for goodness’ sake!)
11. When dudes dressed in full suits pursue their suspects across town in blazing hot weather without breaking a sweat. (We’re talking about you, Miami Vice!) 
12. When people plummet from upper story windows, only to fall into convenient dumpsters or trash trucks. And forget canopies breaking anyone’s fall – those weathered strips of fabric supported by flimsy metal rails wouldn’t break a cat’s fall
13. When the couple holds hands as they flee from danger.  A romantic notion, spoiled by the fact that it’s virtually impossible to gain any sort of speed without pumping your arms as you run, so basically they’re just holding each other back.
14. When folks jump into water from staggering heights and survive the fall. In real life, water molecules can’t displace that quickly, so the impact is similar to hitting concrete.

HORROR TROPES

1. When the MC begins to suspect they’re sharing a house with a malevolent spirit yet they decide to stay. One word: “hotel.”
2. When the MC hears a sound downstairs and creeps down to check it out instead of calling the police, as any sensible person would do.
3. When the monster, moving at a slow ramble, manages to overtake the MC who is fleeing at top speed
4. When the thunderstorm in the background is generating lightning at a rate that would make a Tesla coil blush.
5. When there’s an unknown murderer on the loose, but that one guys decides to split off from the rest of the group because “they can take care of themselves.” Humans are zebras – we instinctively gather in herds when danger approaches, in hopes that the murderer ends up picking someone else to prey on.

SCI-FI TROPES

1. When sound travels through space, undaunted by the fact that sound waves can’t actually move through a vacuum.
2. Also at the risk of stating the obvious – when spaceships travel faster than the speed of light. Unless we’re grossly misunderstanding the way the universe works, this remains a physical impossible.
3. Dogfights in space! This one kills my dad, an engineer who understands (as every middle schooler ought likewise to do) that there is no gravity or friction in space, and therefore no need for banking or other aerodynamic maneuvers.
4. When explosions in space are accompanied by lingering fireballs or smoke, undaunted by the reality that there’s no oxygen in space. In reality, an explosion in space would appear as a split-second flash of light following by an almost instantaneous dispersion of debris.
5. When the aliens have huge eyes (an adaptation for low lighting), but emerge from spaceships that are bathed in brilliant light.
6. When spaceships dodge asteroids in space – asteroids that are, in actuality, separated by tens of thousands of miles.

MEDICAL TROPES

1. When characters with bullet wounds say “I’m okay – it’s just a flesh wound” before picking up where they left off. Are you freaking kidding me? The only acceptable response to being hit by a bullet is screaming in pain and demanding an ambulance.
2. When people slash their palms or arms to draw blood. For one thing, who slashes their arm when all they need are a few drops? Also, a perturbed wince doesn’t ever begin to reflect the amount of pain that such a slash would cause
3. When patients in the hospital dramatically rip out their IV lines and start getting dressed. Those IV lines don’t come out with a fight … and a whole lot of pain. 
4. When the main symptom of the MC’s terminal illness is an inconvenient cough.
5. When people burst through panes of glass with just a few scratches. Reality: most glass windows require tremendous force to break, and anyone bursting through them would immediately begin gushing blood from various slashed aortas
6. When the person treating the MC’s cuts dabs the area around the cut but not the cut itself, leaving the makeup undisturbed for potential retakes.
7. When people have in-depth discussions while out on a jog. No one actually talks when they’re jogging.
8. When the character rips the IV out of their arm without so much as a wince. Most people can’t rip tape off their hairy arm without crying out, much less ripping a needle out of their flesh at the same time.  
9. When the protagonist is wounded and having their wound cleaned – but the person delivering the first aid is merely dabbing at the periphery of the cut so as not to disturb the makeup
10. TV CPR performed at a glacially slow pace in order to allow for dialog. As anyone with first aid training will confirm, effective CPR is rapid and energetic, allowing little scope for anything but breathing heavily and grunting.
11. When the MC spends the previous scene downing drinks like a football player guzzling Gatorade, only to show up in the next scene completely sober.
12. When the MC pushes someone in a dispute, causing them to hit their head on something and instantly die. If skulls were that fragile, few of us would survive our childhoods.
13. When the person being treated for cancer has lost all their hair but still has their eyebrows and eyelashes

SCIENCE & TECH TROPES

1. When the IT specialist hacks into some super-secure network with just a few keystrokes.
2. When the MCs press a button that causes the elevator to abruptly halt. Has anyone ever actually encountered one of these buttons?
3. When the facial recognition technology is able to miraculously transform a pixelated blur into a crisp image.
4. When opening a file launches an avalanche of documents and photos that flash up on the screen all at once – all very dramatic, but can we all agree that’s not how opening a file works?
5. When the detectives find a cellphone at the scene of the crime and immediately start scrolling through the contents – because on TV, cellphone batteries apparently last forever
6. When the scientists invent or distill a vaccine/serum/cure in just a few days. If Covid taught us nothing, it taught us that shit like that takes months.
7. When there’s a thunderstorm raging outside the window and there’s a new flash of lightning every 2 seconds. Unquestionably dramatic, but meteorologically questionable.
8. When the MC is able to successfully land the plane/helicopter based solely on verbal directions relayed from the tower. Anyone who’s ever played a flight simulator game understands how laughable this is. 

ANACHRONISMS

1. When historical characters show up with clean hair and dazzling white teeth. Reality: bathing and teeth whitening weren’t big priorities back in the past.
2. When the “students” in the classroom or wandering about campus (high school, college) are clearly in their 20s or 30s
3. When the teacher is writing something on the chalkboard. Someone needs to update Hollywood writers that teachers stopped using blackboards at least a couple decades ago
4. When the teacher/professor dismisses the students by shouting out the homework as they leave.  (Honorable mention: When the teacher/professor dismisses the students by shouting out the homework as they leave, as if we live in a world without syllabuses.)

20 Classes That Really Need to Added to the 21st Century Teacher Prep Curriculum

Not advocating that they drop Human Development, Differentiation, or Strategies for At-Risk Learners, but here's a list of classes that - AFTER a few years of teaching - I realize my teaching prep program really should have incorporated, because I felt woefully unprepared:  

1. Basic Classroom Cleanup and Repair. The class would address such universal issues as how to remove permanent ink from desks & smartboards, mitigate glitter spills, tidy Starbucks spills, contain germs, exterminate vermin, and address eruptions of nausea without triggering whole class "sympathetic vomiting," among other challenges. 
2. The Care and Maintenance of Antiquated Technology. As long as schools remain underfunded, it's likely to continue to be up to teachers to repair their own classroom HVAC systems, smartboards, obsolete laptops, buggy software, and tragically outdated apps.
3. Cultural Media for Teachers of Teens. An important element of "meeting students where they are" is being able to communicate with them. This class would cover how to interpret contemporary slang (ex: "Deadass not my L, bruh! Bro popped off first FR!"), recognize pop culture references (Taytay), and social media trends (Ballerina Cappuccina). 
4. Understanding the Social-Emotional Impacts of Social Media on Youth. Now that we're finally acknowledging the extent to which social media is messing with the social and psychological well-being of our youngest generations, we probably ought to be figuring out ways to proactively address these issues in the classroom where, God knows, they're omnipresent.
5. Strategies for Building Student Curiosity, Engagement, and Internal Motivation. We're pretty good at forcing them right up to the water, but how do we make them want to drink? Ideally, the class would eschew the myriad of debunked and "fad" solutions (praise! external rewards! whole-class punishment! peer mentoring!) in favor of, you know, actual research validated techniques. 
6. Behaviour Management Strategies for “Those Students.” Theory's fine for the 95%, but teachers are being left entirely without resources for addressing "those students" - the ones possessed with the creativity and determination to sneer at Skinner, mock Pavlov, and baffle Glasser. 
7. Chaos Theory and Management.  Isn't it time we acknowledged that being able to function within a system characterized by randomness and unpredictability is a core teacher competency? 
8. How Schools Have Changed Since You Were a Kid. This class will not only cover the many bewildering ways in which schools have in the short time since you were last there ("Where's the overhead projector? What the hell is gamification?"), but with deal with the psychological despair associated with embracing change. 
9. Maintaining Work/Life Balance. This critical class would provide techniques for protecting your prep time, managing inappropriate expectations, avoiding decision fatigue, recognizing and processing toxic positivity, and engaging in self care. (Just kidding! There is actually no way to maintain a healthy work/life balance, but if new teachers were to figure this out, they'd likely abandon the profession in droves, so this class is mostly just gaslighting.) 
10. Stress Management: Recognizing and Mitigating Common Sources of Anxiety. The class would cover the 152 identified causes of teacher stress, debunk popular but entirely ineffective strategies for managing stress ("self care," whatever that is!), and briefly mention the handful of strategies that have actually proven effective at managing job-related anxiety (ex: wine).
11. Strategies for Working Smarter, Not Harder.  As the demands placed on teachers exponentially increase (personalized learning, blended learning, digital literacy, SEL ...), this class will survey the logarithmic development of new strategies to help teachers work more efficiently. 
12. Navigating Challenging School Cultures. This class will prepare teachers for the range of challenges they are likely to face (teacher cliques, bad admins, rogue PTAs, entitled parents) that have nothing to do with actually teaching.  
13. De-Escalating Conflicts With Students, Parents, Coworkers, and Admins. The curriculum will review strategies employed successfully by social workers, customer service representatives, crisis counselors, internet moderators, hostage negotiators and wild animal trainers to de-escalate tense interactions with parents and peers.  
14. Introduction to Educational Fads. This course will investigate the US's long (long, long) history of educational manias, whims, and vogues, review strategies for recognizing educational fads (are they based on a best selling book? are they supported solely by anecdotal evidence?), and review strategies for how to appropriate respond to admins intent upon integrating educational fads into your curriculum.
15. The Hidden Curriculum. This class would review the extensive extra-curricular content teachers are expected to deliver (social norms & expectations, career readiness, collaboration, executive functioning, emotional intelligence, etc.), and strategies for integrating this content into lesson planning without despair.
16. Assessment Strategies 101. How to design assessments that are strictly aligned to standards yet also authentic, project-based yet easy to grade, rigorous yet simple, digital yet hack-proof, differentiated yet standardized, valid yet also far too short to actually assess the scope of the assigned content. 
17. Producing Effective and Engaging Digital Content. The objective of this course will be to help teachers design digital content engaging enough to successfully compete with professionally designed, algorithm-driven video games, media platforms and digital feeds for student attention.  
18. Managing Parent Communications and Expectations. Nicknamed "Know Your Quotes," this class introduces the range of scripted responses (constantly interrupts instruction = "eager to contribute their insights and perspectives") that you will need to tactfully communicate with parents and peers.
19. Proactive Paperwork Management Strategies. Strategies for how to cope with the extensive reporting requirements that you will encounter as a teacher, from IEPs to 504s, FBAs to behaviour contracts, narratives to grade reports to parent notifications to performance reviews. 
20. How to Effect Change Without Getting Fired. The course will explore strategies for introducing innovative, authentic, engaging practices into your classroom without upsetting colleagues, alarming admins, or earning the enmity of stakeholders vested in maintaining the status quo. 

 

100+ Ways to Terrify a Teacher

How do you terrify a teacher? It's not easy! We're surrounded by some of the most horrifying work conditions imaginable: impossible expectations, widespread disrespect, hormonal teenagers ....

But our jobs can definitely be nightmarish, as the following list suggests. Here's my list of 100+ things sure to unsettle  even the most jaded teacher:  

1. There's a full moon. Ask any teacher: students get nutty on full moon days. (Parents too.) 
2.  It’s the day before winter or summer break … and admins have clearly communicated that instruction must occur: no parties, movies, or games. Ever been trapped in a cage with 30 hyenas scenting blood?
3. The day after Halloween. Trying to keep students on task All Hallow's Eve is bad enough ("Ms. T, my dinosaur costume keeps knocking over the beakers!"), but attempting to instruct them the day AFTER Halloween, when they're sleep deprived and sugared up like alcoholics at an open bar? They should give us hazard pay. 
4. Valentines Day. Soooooooooooooooo. much. drama.
5.  The copier jams just as you're trying to make copies for the class that's arriving
6. Due to cost constraints, admin decides to ration the copier paper
7. The school wifi goes down just as your students are accessing the day's lesson plan - which, of course, is entirely online
8. The projector bulb burns out just as you're beginning to deliver your lesson
9. The HVAC in your classroom fails on either the hottest or coldest week of the year
10. Being assigned to a new classroom and competing for cabinet space with the abandoned detritus of the 50-100 years of teachers that came before you. 
11. The district announces that they've invested in new software to replace the software you only just figured out how to use.
12.  Due to poor maintenance and vandalism, the only working bathroom is now on the other side of the building. 
13. Lice. Ringworm. Fleas. Bedbugs. Basically, vermin of any sort. 
14. Stomach flu is "going around"
15. "This notice is to inform you that one of your students has tested positive for ..."
16. The substitute teacher you lined up weeks in advance has just cancelled, and no one else is signing up for the job
17. Outdoor recess has been cancelled, leaving you trapped in a classroom with 30 feral ferrets for the next half hour. 
18. The coffee maker/soda machine is out of order
19. Someone ate the lunch you placed, clearly labelled, in the refrigerator in the teacher lounge.
20. Being tasked at the end of the year to dispose of all the mysteriously stained bags, moldy Tupperware containers, and tin foil blobs at the back of the same fridge. (Perhaps even discovering some of those lunches that went missing during the year!) 
21. The PTA "Teachers Appreciation Week" buffet is out of food by the time you get their because you were trapped in an IEP meeting that wouldn't end. 
22. You just realized your class pet is dead, and the day is only half over
23. Someone spilled glitter all over the classroom floor
24. The boys all got Axe body spray gift packs for Christmas
25. Someone lets loose a fart so foul, there's no choice but to implement chemical gas evacuation procedures
26. After class you discover the floor littered with spitballs, reminding you that there is literally no way to effectively police spitballs. Outbreaks wax and wane with the immutibility of ocean tides.
27. A group of students do *way* too well on a test, but you can't figure out how they cheated.
28. One of your students posts to social media a video of you doing something embarassing: dancing, making a face, or saying something preposterous. ("Don't make me call Santa Claus and tell him that you're goofing off!")
29. Dead-weight colleagues that rely on the rest of the team to do all the work for them.
30. Cliquey colleagues who, finding themselves back in a school setting, default to establishing  social hierarchies based off-hours socializing, access to admins, and condescension. Mean girls have nothing on mean teachers! 
31. Parents who email you evenings and weekends, and then get testy when you don't get right back to them
32. Emails from "those parents" - long, rambling missives that range from passive-aggressive to outright hostile. 
33. Finding out that parents are bringing an advocate with them to the IEP meeting.
34. Your students begins their sentence with "But my mom/dad said ...." ("... my soccer practice was more important than your homework," "... if it's not posted to the class website, I don't have to do it," "... you can catch me up on what I missed during your lunch period.")
35. Your admin begins their sentence with "I need to ask you a favor." Actual examples from my personal collection: Organize the school field trip; create and implement a school-wide community service project; participate in a skit for the pep rally; plan the end-of-the-year awards ceremony.  
36. All the chaperones that signed up for the field trip cancel at the last minute or no-show.  
37. The parent of 'that' students insists that "their child would never ...!" Other variations: "None of their other teachers have ever complained," "She certainly doesn't do that at home," and "You've had it in for our child since the beginning pf the school year!" 
38. Parents who expect you to parent their child. Actual examples from my personal collection: "Can you comb his hair if he forgets to do it himself?" "Will you tell me if she doesn't eat her vegetables?" "Will you try to sit him next to xxx, because I want him to be accepted by the 'cool kids'?"
39. Parents who pull their students out of school for 2-4 weeks but expect you to be able to assemble a packet of worksheets that will teach everything they're going to miss so that their grade isn't jeopardized.
40. One of your students is allergic to everything, so you're expected to wipe down their desk, chair, and all materials before every class - and if anything goes wrong, you will most definitely be held accountable
41. The student they're adding to your class mid-year is being transitioned from the "alternative high school"
42. One or more of your students has an IEP for oppositional defiance disorder
43. One of your parent emails you to let you know that their student forgot to take their ADHD medicine that morning
44. Your student is pale and nauseous, but the clinic is closed because the county health aid is absent ... again. 
45. A student throws up in the classroom, triggering a cascade of puking that sends half your class dashing to the nearest trash can or sink.
46. You finally transition "that" kid to the next grade, only to discover you're going to be teaching their younger brother/sister next year
47. A new Tiktok challenge - pour vegetable oil on the bathroom floors! remove one of the two screws that fastens the legs to the student chairs! - plunges the school into chaos. 
48. Running into former students at local restaurants, theaters, swimming pools, or stores. These encounters are most likely to occur when you're dressed in unflattering clothes, attending an awkward movie (something with a lot of sex, or ponies), or buying replacement underwear. 
49. Navigating packed parking lots and incredibly complex traffic patterns surrounded by cars piloted by drivers with, at best, learner's permits.  Remember those old driver's ed films featuring cars coming at you from every direction while, simultaneously, a dog darts out in front of you followed by a little kid paying no attention to traffic? That's nothing compared to the insanity of your average high school parking lot
50. It becomes apparent that some sort of ongoing drama has pervading your classroom via social media, triggering eruptions of astonishment, fury, and tears that prove impossible to teach through. 
51. "VIP" students, the children of fellow teachers, the principal, school board members, or local politicians. You just know you're being constantly watched and judged!
52. One of your students accuses you of something unprofessional: pushing, yelling, cursing. In this litigious age, teachers live in fear of being targeted by students or eager for attention, or vengeance.
53. An angry/scary student threatens physical harm as retaliation for some perceived slight. 
54. Admin drops in for an unannounced observation, inevitably choosing to visit your most chaotic class at the moment of ultimate pandemonium.
55. Admin call an unscheduled faculty meeting. No good news is ever shared at an unscheduled faculty meeting. 
56. The county/state decides to make big changes to the curriculum, requiring that you jettison all your beautifully designed lessons and start from scratch.
57. The county announces that they are going to implementing the latest educational fad, regardless of whether it is actually supported by, you know, evidence of efficacy. 
58. Admin insists that your CLT base major decisions about instruction on an in-depth analysis of data that you know to be deeply flawed and invalid. 
59. Your school decides to stage an active shooter drill without warning you in advance
60. Admin announces that, due to staffing shortages, they're going to need teachers to take on extra supervision duties (lunch, hallways, bus, recess)
61. In order to retain your job, you are being required to switch grades (or preps)
62. The county announces that, due to an excessive number of snow days, they're going to be adding additional days to the end of the year 
63. Admin asks you what you're going to do to remediate your students at risk of failing because they refuse to attend school or complete work. 
64. Admin requires you to submit lesson plans in advance - lesson plans that they have no intention of actually reviewing
65. Spirit weeks! Imagine 5 days of Halloween, with less candy but a thousand times more selfies. 
66. "Your colleague has called in sick but there are no subs, so we're going to need you to cover their classes." 
67. Admin arrives at your door to return the disruptive student you just expelled from your classroom 10 minutes ago
68. Your admin calls you at home on your sick day to quiz you about the details of your sub plan
69. You receive 10mins warning that the fire marshal is about to visit your classroom, requiring that you immediately cease all other activities in order to remove all your wall posters and door decorations. 
70. Admins asks you to follow up with parents who haven't turned in their beginning-of-the-year paperwork, because "many hands make lighter work." 
71. Admin decides that they're going to need you to "document the behavior" before they decide whether, how, or when to intercede
72. The front office needs to know if a particular student was in your class two weeks ago Tuesday - the one day you were too busy to take roll, much less notice which students might have been absent.
73. Your IA gets pulled to cover another classroom, leaving you with a lesson plan that requires an IA to implement.
74. You're "voluntold" to sign up for after school/weekend tutorials.
75. You're required to sign up for a school committee that meets during your planning period or after school.
76. Admin announces that all classes are going to be at overcapacity until the teacher shortage is addressed. But also, there aren't enough desks, so teachers are going to need to accommodate those extra students any way they can.  
77. ... Or, you're abruptly destaffed due to last minute deficits in enrollment
78. The state/county adds another 2-3 hours to your mandatory beginning-of-the-year PD to address all the issues they were sued over the previous year. 
79. Admin announces that they will no longer be approving leave on Fridays. Or Mondays. Or before holidays. Or after holidays. 
80. Your colleague or co-teacher goes on emergency leave, requiring that you do all their lesson planning. 
81. Your state announces that there will be no step increases/raises/cost of living adjustments this year. Or next year. Or for the foreseeable future. 
82. Winter break ends up being unusually short due to Christmas falling mid-week. 
83. The forecast calls for snow so you don't lesson plan - only to wake up to a light dusting and no school closures. 
84. Unnecessary (or unnecessarily long) staff meetings, primarily convened to allow admins to hear themselves talk.
85. The staff meeting begins with an icebreaker, apparently unaware that few things are as dreaded as icebreakers. 
86. The state announces a new initiative to base a significant portion of teacher evaluations on student/parent satisfaction surveys
87. Citing insufficient time and resources, admins announce that they are shifting responsibility for an increasing number of misbehaviours away from the front office (admins) and into classrooms (teachers). Because goodness knows teachers have plenty of time and resources for calling parents, hosting detentions, and enforcing dress codes. 
88. An unannounced fire drill interrupts a test that your students were going to need every minute of the period to complete. (Moreover, there's no way to prevent students from sharing answers as they're mingling out on the school football field, waiting for the "all clear" to return.) 
89. You learn there's no room or desk for you, so you're going to be expected to teach from a cart
90. The county decides to start school a week earlier
91. In the interest of cultural sensitivity, your county adds 15 "cultural observances" to the school calendar but then forbids teachers from delivering new content or give assessments on those days, apparently unaware that effectively cancelling 15 days of instruction might pose certain inconveniences.
92. In the interest of rigor, your admins decide to enroll all students in honors classes for the coming year
93. In the interest of equality, your admins decide to merge your gifted, general ed, special ed and ELL students into a single population, which teachers will be required to accommodate in blended classrooms by "differentiating." As if differentiation is something teachers accomplish with a magic wand rather than complex engineering. 
94. In the interest of facilitating content mastery, admins decide to allow students to turn in work up until the end of the quarter with no penalty, thereby removing the incentive for students to turn in work on time. Student to teacher: "I know you have to submit grades tomorrow morning, but the syllabus says you have to accept and grade the 10 assignments I turned in at 11:59 last night." 
95. In the interest of grading equity, admins decide to eliminate grades for homework, classwork or formative assessments, thereby removing the incentive for students to participate in these activities, while simultaneously creating a system that systematically punishes students who are poor test-takers.  
96. "Please hold your students in your room until we are able to restore power." Remember what happened in New York City during the Great Blackout - panic, riots, fires, hooliganism? That's pretty much what goes on in a middle school classroom every time the electricity goes out. 
97. "We're putting all the red zone students in one classroom for standardized testing, and we need you to proctor." I leave it to your imagination to consider the many ways that students lacking both motivation and boundaries can invent to disrupt a testing environment. (My personal favorite was the time they all started quacking like ducks.)
98. Admin clarifies that while teachers may ask students to put phones away, they may not actually confiscate phones. It's hard to overstate the idiocy of this policy, or the immense frustration of teachers provided no other option but to enforce it. 
99. Guidance from the county/state requires you to redo your curriculum to omit any content that could be potentially offensive to anyone, no matter how ridiculous 
100. The county/state requires you to teach during a pandemic. Without a mask. Because political gamesmanship trumps science, and lives.
101. "The principals wants to see you." Because, no matter how old you are, getting called to the principals office never ceases to be terrifying. 

 

45+ Times When Life Becomes a Meme

You know how most of the time life is pretty mundane, but every once in a while the fates align and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of a meme?  Here are some examples my friends and I recently brainstormed (which, I realize, explains why so many of these are girly): 

1. Climbing to the top of a hill and suddenly you’re Maria Von Trapp, preparing to burst out into song
2. Wrapping yourself in a shawl or blanket and suddenly you’re Catherine in Wuthering Heights, wandering the moors in search of Heathcliff
3. Resting a laundry basket on your hip and suddenly you’re a peasant woman fetching food back from the market for your family
4. Hitching your long skirt up as you come down the stairs and suddenly you’re a character in a Jane Austen novel making your grand entrance at the ball
5. Walking out into a snowstorm, bundled in layers of coats, and suddenly you’re an indigenous Alaskan off to hunt seals and slay polar bears
6. Wearing red heels and suddenly you’re Dorothy following a yellow brick road through Oz
7. Pulling your hoodie over your head and suddenly you’re a stealthy assassin ready to stalk your unsuspecting human prey
8. Collecting flowers in your garden and suddenly you’re a character from a British pastoral novel, preparing for a visit from the vicar
9. Setting off on a walk, walking stick in hand, and suddenly you’re Frodo off to Rivendell with the one ring safely stowed in your pocket
10. Dipping your bread into your soup and suddenly you’re a peasant grabbing sustenance between long hours of grueling labor
11. Building a fire using twigs and kindling and suddenly you’re a cowboy out on the prairie, ready to warm up some beans and then fall asleep beneath the stars
12. Tying a scarf over your hair and suddenly you’re a 1950s Hollywood starlet off on a trip down the Pacific Coast in your sporty convertible
13. Jogging up a hill or set of stairs and suddenly you’re Rocky Balboa training for the big fight
14. Picking up something fragile and suddenly you’re Indiana Jones finessing a golden idol from a pedestal without triggering the booby traps
15. A freak breeze stirs your skirt and suddenly you’re Marilyn Monroe walking across a subway vent in the Seven Year Itch
16. Playing with glowsticks and suddenly you’re an airport technician, guiding incoming aircraft across dark runways to safe refuge
17. Piloting an RC car or drone and suddenly you’re a member of the NASA team responsible for deploying the latest rover over the perilous surface of Mars
18. Trying to figure out which child committed a specific act of destruction and suddenly you’re a forensic scientist, collecting evidence preparatory to announcing the prime suspect
19. Participating in your favorite sport and suddenly you’re a pro athlete, surrounded by adoring crowds cheering you on
20. Preparing to chop raw meat, cleaver in hand, and suddenly you’re Michael Myers in a Halloween movie, ready to horrifically murder your next victim
21. Snorkling in a shallow area and suddenly you’re Jacques Cousteau, delving into the mysteries of the Mariana Trench
22. Singing along with the car radio and suddenly you’re a professional performer, stunning adoring crowds of fans with your virtuosity and talent
23. Throwing leftovers together in hopes of creating something edible and suddenly you’re a chef creating astonishing new recipes
24. Walking out the ocean surf, water dripping off your suit, and suddenly you’re channeling your inner Bond Girl or Daniel Craig.
25. Casually admiring flocks of birds on a plaza and suddenly you’re Tippi Hedren in a Hitchcock thriller, scanning the area for cover in case they suddenly decide to attack
26. Standing in the rain and suddenly you’re Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, emerging from the sewer to freedom
27. Rearranging the furniture in your room and suddenly you’re on one of those HGTV reality shows, staging your home for the cameras
28. Throwing together an outfit from leftovers in your closet and suddenly you’re a TikTok influencer, about to debut a new look that’s sure to become a cultural sensation
29. Bouncing around in a bouncy house and suddenly you’re an astronaut propelling yourself across the surface of the moon
30. Successfully navigating a bit of twisty road and suddenly you’re a stunt driver filming a television commercial for a sports car manufacturer
31. Commenting on the quality of the food at a restaurant and suddenly you’re a restaurant critic preparing what you’ll say in the review you’ll be including in tomorrow’s column
32. Taking photos as you hike through a national park and suddenly you’re Ansel Adams, capturing the wonders of nature so that you can share them with the rest of the world
33. Playing catch with your child and suddenly you’re Ray Kinsella having a catch with Shoeless Joe Jackson
34. Jumping your bike over an obstacle in the path and suddenly you’re Evil Knievel jumping a vast and perilous gorge over a roiling river
35. Eating spaghetti, surreptitiously slurping up a bit of dangling pasta, and suddenly you’re in a Disney movie sharing a plate of pasta with Lady or the Tramp
36. Walking outside on a windy autumn evening, listening to the leaves rustle over the pavement, and suddenly you’re listening for the sound of hoofbeats in case the Headless Horseman is preparing to pursue you
37. Removing your shoes as you walk into the house and suddenly you’re in Japan, being invited to enter a temple or tea house
38. On your hands and knees scrubbing schmutz off the floor and suddenly you’re Cinderella being persecuted by evil stepsisters
39. Eating at a diner at night and suddenly you’re in a noir film, waiting for gangsters with tommy guns – or possibly a femme fatale carrying a mysterious package - to burst through the front door
40. Picking up any sort of stick, pole, or tube and suddenly you’re a famous swordsman (or Jedi) about to engage in an epic battle
41. Taking a shower, just minding your business, when you hear the sound of someone entering the room and suddenly you’re convinced someone’s going to stab you a la that scene in Psycho
42. Rising to your feet after a long session of weeding, your back aching, and suddenly you’re a peasant laboring in the fields for the overseer
43. Sipping a cup of tea and suddenly you’re a character in a British novel of manners
44. Walking along the beach, the wind catching your clothes, and suddenly you’re the ingenue in a romance novel, waiting for your sailor to return from the sea
45. Boarding a train and suddenly you’re a character in a thriller, surrounded by fellow passengers who are almost certainly spies, celebrities in disguise, or international jewel thieves
46. Plopping yourself down at the counter of a restaurant and suddenly you’re a 1950s teen decked out in saddle shoes and a poodle skirt, preparing to order a burger and a malted.

20 Novels, Described Poorly

How many of these famous tales can you identify based on these extremely inept summaries? 

1.       There are men and several rabbits but, puzzlingly, no mice.

2.       A girl learns never to run around in the woods dressed as a ham

3.       A boy goes off to a wizard school where he becomes a jock

4.       It’s the best of times because the two lovers get to live happily ever after, but it’s the worst of times because a lot of people get their heads chopped off

5.       A guy inherits a ring that brings people really bad luck

6.       A gold-digging Southern belle spends the Civil War marrying up

7.       A guy buys a painting that doesn’t age well. At all.

8.       A white whale tries to escape from an obsessive stalker

9.       A guy throws parties for friends but never attends them himself because I guess he’s an introvert?

10.   A psychotic candymaker uses his chocolate factory to lure children to their death

11.   Four sisters find ways to keep themselves busy until they land husbands

12.   A town decides to assign each female a letter, which they have to wear sewn to their dress, but they never get past the letter ‘A’

13.   A guy who’s just trying to live his best life in an African village gets dragged away by a nosy sailor

14.   Society finally achieves a utopia where everyone owns large screen televisions, but some guys who likes books can’t stop complaining

15.   A successful capitalist is tormented by communists ghosts until he agrees to share his wealth

16.   A group of mean girls create drama in a Puritan community (hint: rhymes with “bitches”)

17.   People travelling on a luxury train have their vacation ruined by a murder

18.   A group of kids on an island survive by hunting pigs

19.   An old fisherman refuses to adopt modern fishing practices

20.   A house that is already architecturally unsound finally collapses due to the added weight of a woman who has risen from the grave

____________________

1. Of Mice and Men; 2. To Kill a Mockingbird; 3. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone; 4. A Tale of Two Cities; 5. The Lord of the Rings; 6. Gone With the Wind; 7. The Picture of Dorian Gray; 8. Moby Dick; 9. The Great Gatsby; 10. Charlie & the Chocolate Factory; 11. Little Women; 12. The Scarlett Letter; 13. Heart of Darkness; 14. Fahrenheit 451; 15. A Christmas Carol; 16. The Crucible; 17. Murder on the Orient Express; 18. The Lord of the Flies; 19. The Old Man and the Sea; 20. Fall of the House of Usher

NOVA Gothic -A list of 20 creepy/weird/terrifying things about life in Northern Virginia

 

Like many other states, Virginia has a split identity. The Western and Southern regions are largely rural and agricultural, but the Northern regions have been overrun by suburbs of  Washington DC. Which may sound innocuous, but as someone who's lived in the NOVA area for most of their lives, I can attest to the fact that it's not all wine and roses, man-made lakes and big box stores. Here's a partial list of some of the unnerving aspects of living in NOVA - some a little silly, otherwise legitimately terrifying:  

1. You’ve never seen a bear/wolf/bobcat in your neighborhood, but you know someone who has.
2. Suiting up like Mad Max for a trip to the grocery store before any snowstorm expected to deposit more than 2.”
3. Local radio stations run ads for global weapons systems.
4. No one questions your 60-minute daily commute to the adjacent suburb.
5. That guy throwing something into a trash at the local park could be discarding harmless picnic scraps ... or they could be a spy making a dead drop.
6. Paying as much for a house as other people might spend to purchase their own private Caribbean Island.
7. Helicopters have been circling for over an hour. No one notices.
8. Neighbor down the way, when asked what they do for a living, answers in the vaguest way: “I’m a civil servant.”
9. Potentially living next to (or on top of) the unmarked graves of Civil War soldiers.
10. Our most insidious invasive species isn’t kudzu, it’s McMansions.
11. Government shutdowns are existential crises.
12. Fire drills? Earthquake drills? Try nuclear attack drills.
13. Is it a road improvement project, or are they installing yet another secret underground bunker? 
14. HOAs with more power than some third-world governments.
15. Every day, the data server farms creep a little closer to your home.
16. Our local competitive sport isn’t high school football … it’s school board meetings.
17. Pairing business suits with tennis shoes or flip flops is socially acceptable.
18. Local roads with 10 lanes.
19. Helicopter dog parents.
20. Stars? Apparently they’re a real thing, but no one’s ever actually seen them thanks to the 24/7 glare of traffic lights, LED-illuminated retail signage, and office buildings with all the lights left on overnight.

"He's a 10, but ...": literary edition!

A while ago, my students became obsessed by some sort of Tik Tok trend which involved trying to guess the identity of a classmate or famous person based on a phrase that begins with the words "He's/She's a 10, but ..." and culminates in some sort of coded clue to their identity. 

Not long thereafter, I was brainstorming games for an upcoming gathering of literary friends and decided to repurpose the trend into a literary challenge. 

How many of the following fictional characters can you identify based on the clues provided? 

1. He's a 10, but frankly he doesn't give a damn
2. He's a 10, but he has far, far better things to do
3. He's a 10, but he hasn't figured out what to be or not to be
4. He's a 10, and he's got some Great Game
5. He's a 10, but pictures don't do him justice
6. She's a 10, but you'd always be Wondering where she wandered off to
7. He's a 10; the twist is that he's a little dodgy
8. She's a 10, and she's already got her own wedding dress
9. He's a 10, and he's got a personality as big as a whale
10. He's a 10, but sometimes clever women leave him feeling a bit Adled
11. He's a 10, but he refuses to grow up 
12. She's a 10; in fact, you could say she's earned an A
13. He's a 10, and his love for you will never die
14. He's a 10, but he may end up bugging out on you
15. He's a 10, but he's a bit of a swinger
16. He's a 10, but he tilts at windmills
17. He's a 10, and he's willing to grant you his affection even though he holds your family in low regard
18. He's a 10, but his business trips are epically long
19. He's a 10, but all the king's men may not be able to save his soul
20. He's a 10, but you can see right through him
21. She's a 10, but don't make the Eyrer of comparing her to a bird in a cage

ANSWERS:

1/Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind; 2/Syndey Carton, Tale of Two Cities; 3/Hamlet, Hamlet; 4/Kim, Kim; 5/Dorian Gray, The Picture of Dorian Gray; 6/Alice, Through the Looking Glass; 7/The Artful Dodger, Oliver Twist; 8/Mrs. Haversham, Great Expectations; 9/Ahab, Moby Dick; 10/Sherlock Holmes, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes; 11/Peter Pan, Peter Pan; 12/Hester Prynn, The Scarlet Letter; 13/Dracula, Dracula; 14/Gregor, The Metamorphosis; 15/Tarzan, Tarzan of the Apes; 16/Don Quixote, Don Quixote; 17/Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice; 18/Odysseus, The Odyssey; 19/Willie Stark, All The King's Men; 20/Griffin, The Invisible Man; 21/Jane Eyre, Jane Eyre

50+ Things that Teachers in the 1980s Never Had to Say

 

I'm almost old enough to have taught in the 1980s, but not so old that I don't still remember what the educational experience was like for my classmates and I during that excruciating decade of chalkboards and bookbags, overhead projectors and filmstrips, textbooks and typewriters, gym uniforms, analog clocks, snacks containing peanuts, selling candy bars door to door, writing in cursive, sneaking cigarettes in the bathrooms, books by a variety of exclusively European authors, and unchecked bullying.  There was good. There was bad. And there was a lot of ugly. 

40 years later and here we are, still teaching students basically the same content - English, math, history, science. But the way in which teachers interact with students has certainly undergone enormous technical, cultural, and ethical changes.  Some of the items in this list are factual, some snarky, and yes, some are probably not PC, but they all reference legitimate transformations that have occurred since my math teacher back in 1981 memorably rebuked: "You need to be able to do calculations in your head because it's not like you're going to be carrying a calculator in your pocket everywhere you go!" 

Spoiler alert: there's still plenty of good, bad, and ugly to go around. :-(

THINGS THAT TEACHERS IN THE 1980s NEVER HAD TO SAY: 

1.       Put your phones/airpods away!

2.       Did you use AI/ChatGPT/Google Translate to help you with this?

3.       Anyone caught accessing the computer code to identify the correct answers on today’s online quiz will automatically receive an F.

4.       Don't make me block that webpage.

5.       You seem upset - do you need some time to de-escalate?

6.       You didn’t do the assignment! I'm afraid I have no choice but to record it in the gradebook as a 50.

7.       We've gathered here in this conference room to talk about how we work as a team to support ___ to make better choices.

8.       What’s your preferred pronoun?

9.       What’s your parents’ last name?

10.   There will be a school-wide active shooter drill after lunch.

11.   No, you may not film TikTok videos in school.

12.   Guys, you need to remember to recharge your computer at home, not at school.

13.   Pull those pants up over your hips! 

14.   No, the Earth is not flat and the moon landing was not a conspiracy. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t mean it’s true.

15.   Yes, you are still considered tardy even if your parents dropped you off late because there was a line at Starbucks.

16.   If it snows tomorrow, we’ll be doing a virtual school day, so be sure to log in at the usual time.

17.   Why aren't you wearing a mask? 

18.   Who’s wearing that awful perfume? Oh, wait, that's probably Axe body spray. 

19.   Yes, racism is still happening, and yes, it’s a bad thing.

20.   Remember not to bring anything metal so you don’t set off the metal detectors.

21.   Of course you can retake that quiz/test to bring up your grade.

22.   Of course we’ll accept work late without any sort of penalty.

23.   All textbooks will be online this year.

24.   Now remember that this assignment is differentiated, so there will be different expectations for each student.

25.   Do I need to email your parents?

26.   I’ll be posting the homework to our class website.

27.   Bottled water is fine, but no Starbucks drinks in the classroom.

28.   Should we hold ___ back a grade, just because they failed all their classes? Don’t be silly.

29.   No, you may not use my Lysol wipes to clean the mud off your sneakers.

30.   No, I will not loan you a cord to recharge your phone.

31.   Completing homework won’t actually count towards your grade.

32.   Has that app been approved for use on the school network?

33.   We’ll be streaming today’s movie from my personal Netflix account.

34.   Are you wearing your pajamas right now?

35.   You may pull out your books or Kindles after the test.

36.   Whatever you do, don’t sell those fundraising items door to door! It’s too dangerous.

37.   Our choral/orchestra concert will be composed of works representing diverse cultures.

38.   Some of the books we’ll be reading will be by diverse authors.

39.   We’ll use the onboard bus cameras to review what actually happened.

40.   Remember not to bring anything that contains peanuts to the class party.  

41.   No, you may not listen to music on your cellphone while you work.

42.   Maybe you're gay, or maybe it's just a phase you're going through ... but you probably want to keep this to yourself unless you want to get bullied.  

43.   Marijuana’s okay, but watch out for opioids because the fentanyl may kill you.

44.   No rapping or beatboxing in class!

45.   What if I don’t want to use my cellphone to download authentication codes to access required school apps?

46.   No, we are not going to give you admin privileges for your school computer so that you can download games

47.   No fidget spinners or glitter slime in the classroom!

48.   No, your hamster does not count as an emotional support animal. 

49.   I'm afraid that book isn't available to be checked out; it's been banned by the school board. 

50.   Fortunately our field is artificial turf, so we’ll still be able to have PE after last night’s rains.

51.   Be sure to separate your trash into the appropriate recycling bins!

52.   Don’t worry - the cafeteria always offers at least one vegetarian option.

53.   What do you mean, you don’t know how to sign your name in cursive?

54.   What do you mean, you don’t know how to tell time on an analog clock?

55.   I am not now, nor will I ever be, your “bruh.”