50+ Things that Teachers in the 1980s Never Had to Say

 

I'm almost old enough to have taught in the 1980s, but not so old that I don't still remember what the educational experience was like for my classmates and I during that excruciating decade of chalkboards and bookbags, overhead projectors and filmstrips, textbooks and typewriters, gym uniforms, analog clocks, snacks containing peanuts, selling candy bars door to door, writing in cursive, sneaking cigarettes in the bathrooms, books by a variety of exclusively European authors, and unchecked bullying.  There was good. There was bad. And there was a lot of ugly. 

40 years later and here we are, still teaching students basically the same content - English, math, history, science. But the way in which teachers interact with students has certainly undergone enormous technical, cultural, and ethical changes.  Some of the items in this list are factual, some snarky, and yes, some are probably not PC, but they all reference legitimate transformations that have occurred since my math teacher back in 1981 memorably rebuked: "You need to be able to do calculations in your head because it's not like you're going to be carrying a calculator in your pocket everywhere you go!" 

Spoiler alert: there's still plenty of good, bad, and ugly to go around. :-(

THINGS THAT TEACHERS IN THE 1980s NEVER HAD TO SAY: 

1.       Put your phones/airpods away!

2.       Did you use AI/ChatGPT/Google Translate to help you with this?

3.       Anyone caught accessing the computer code to identify the correct answers on today’s online quiz will automatically receive an F.

4.       Don't make me block that webpage.

5.       You seem upset - do you need some time to de-escalate?

6.       You didn’t do the assignment! I'm afraid I have no choice but to record it in the gradebook as a 50.

7.       We've gathered here in this conference room to talk about how we work as a team to support ___ to make better choices.

8.       What’s your preferred pronoun?

9.       What’s your parents’ last name?

10.   There will be a school-wide active shooter drill after lunch.

11.   No, you may not film TikTok videos in school.

12.   Guys, you need to remember to recharge your computer at home, not at school.

13.   Pull those pants up over your hips! 

14.   No, the Earth is not flat and the moon landing was not a conspiracy. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t mean it’s true.

15.   Yes, you are still considered tardy even if your parents dropped you off late because there was a line at Starbucks.

16.   If it snows tomorrow, we’ll be doing a virtual school day, so be sure to log in at the usual time.

17.   Why aren't you wearing a mask? 

18.   Who’s wearing that awful perfume? Oh, wait, that's probably Axe body spray. 

19.   Yes, racism is still happening, and yes, it’s a bad thing.

20.   Remember not to bring anything metal so you don’t set off the metal detectors.

21.   Of course you can retake that quiz/test to bring up your grade.

22.   Of course we’ll accept work late without any sort of penalty.

23.   All textbooks will be online this year.

24.   Now remember that this assignment is differentiated, so there will be different expectations for each student.

25.   Do I need to email your parents?

26.   I’ll be posting the homework to our class website.

27.   Bottled water is fine, but no Starbucks drinks in the classroom.

28.   Should we hold ___ back a grade, just because they failed all their classes? Don’t be silly.

29.   No, you may not use my Lysol wipes to clean the mud off your sneakers.

30.   No, I will not loan you a cord to recharge your phone.

31.   Completing homework won’t actually count towards your grade.

32.   Has that app been approved for use on the school network?

33.   We’ll be streaming today’s movie from my personal Netflix account.

34.   Are you wearing your pajamas right now?

35.   You may pull out your books or Kindles after the test.

36.   Whatever you do, don’t sell those fundraising items door to door! It’s too dangerous.

37.   Our choral/orchestra concert will be composed of works representing diverse cultures.

38.   Some of the books we’ll be reading will be by diverse authors.

39.   We’ll use the onboard bus cameras to review what actually happened.

40.   Remember not to bring anything that contains peanuts to the class party.  

41.   No, you may not listen to music on your cellphone while you work.

42.   Maybe you're gay, or maybe it's just a phase you're going through ... but you probably want to keep this to yourself unless you want to get bullied.  

43.   Marijuana’s okay, but watch out for opioids because the fentanyl may kill you.

44.   No rapping or beatboxing in class!

45.   What if I don’t want to use my cellphone to download authentication codes to access required school apps?

46.   No, we are not going to give you admin privileges for your school computer so that you can download games

47.   No fidget spinners or glitter slime in the classroom!

48.   No, your hamster does not count as an emotional support animal. 

49.   I'm afraid that book isn't available to be checked out; it's been banned by the school board. 

50.   Fortunately our field is artificial turf, so we’ll still be able to have PE after last night’s rains.

51.   Be sure to separate your trash into the appropriate recycling bins!

52.   Don’t worry - the cafeteria always offers at least one vegetarian option.

53.   What do you mean, you don’t know how to sign your name in cursive?

54.   What do you mean, you don’t know how to tell time on an analog clock?

55.   I am not now, nor will I ever be, your “bruh.”