7/16/2011

Insults of the Famous and Literate

Think you're pretty adept with witty insults, taunts and put-downs?  The following collection of insults by the famous and literate is guaranteed to leave you humbled, and wholly amused.
  1. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -Winston Churchill
  2. “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” -Winston Churchill
  3. "A sheep in sheep's clothing." - Winston Churchill
  4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow
  5. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
  6. “Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
  7. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas
  8. "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." - Dorothy Parker
  9. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” -Abraham Lincoln
  10. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
  11. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain
  12. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde
  13. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
  14. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  15. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… If there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response to Bernard Shaw
  16. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
  17. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
  18. “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson
  19. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
  20. “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
  21. “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” -Jack E. Leonard
  22. “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” -Robert Redford
  23. “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” -Thomas Brackett Reed
  24. “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
  25. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand
  26. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker
  27. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain
  28. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -Mae West
    “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
  29. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
  30. "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'" -P.G. Wodehouse
  31. "O, she is the antidote to desire."  -William Congreve
  32. "I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics."  -Johnny Mercer,
  33. "The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard."  -David Gerrold
  34. “I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.” - Steven Pearl
  35. "Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week." - William Dean Howells
  36. "Pushing 40? She's hanging on for dear life." - Ivy Compton-Burnett
  37. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
  38. "I have never liked him and I always will." - David Clark
  39. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." -Robert Louis Stevenson
  40. "He's completely unspoiled by failure." -Noel Coward
  41. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathan Swift
  42. "You had to stand in line to hate him." - Hedda Hopper
  43. "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." -George Bernard Shaw
  44. "There, but for the grace of God, goes God." - Winston Churchill
  45. "Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." -Tobias George Smolett
  46. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation." - Jean Webster
  47. "Ordinarily he is insane.  But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid." - Heinrich Heine
  48. "She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people." - Robertson Davies
  49. "He was trying to save both his faces." -John Gunther
  50. "Failure has gone to his head." - Wilson Mizner
  51. "God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo
  52. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
  53. "He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
  54. "He is as good as his word - and his word is no good." -Seamus MacManus
  55. "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H.H. Munro
  56. "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." - Victor Borge
  57. "She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it." -Bob Fosse
  58. "He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style." - Leo Tolstoy
  59. "He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright." - Samuel Butler
  60. "He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong." - Benjamin Disraeli
  61. "That woman speaks eight different languages and can't say 'no' in any of them." - Dorothy Parker
  62. "He has not so much brain as ear wax." -William Shakespeare
  63. "He's a tried and valiant soldier.  So is my horse." -William Shakespeare
  64. "Her beauty and her brain go not together." - William Shakespeare
  65. "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - William Shakespeare
(I gathered these from sources all over the internet so can't vouch for their accuracy; only their entertainment value!)

7/08/2011

A Thousand Words: Cookie Monster


Sometimes change is a good thing. 
Sometimes things are fine just the way they are.

7/05/2011

Book Look: The Monk, Matthew Lewis

Don't be scared off by the book's 18th century publication date: this story is great fun - as shocking and titillating as anything in modern lit. The Monk has it all: scandal, conspiracy, murder, villainy, hypocrisy, incest, rape, betrayal, ghosts, demons, corpses, and enough gruesome detail to rival an episode of CSI.


The story is set in Spain during the time of the Inquisition, and focuses on the corruption and eventual destruction of Ambrosio, "The Man of Holiness", a Capuchin monk whose outward piety conceals vanity and a lust for power, from which seeds grow spiraling tendrils of evil that eventually destroy him, with a little help from Old Smokey himself. (Lucifer actually makes a juicy cameo appearance at the end - don't miss it!).

Love how "meaty" the story is: within the main narrative, Lewis embeds digressions and side stories that add to the entertainment and general spookiness of the story. Caught up in the main narrative (in which the Brave Cavalier Lorenzo attempts to woo the Innocent Virgin Antonia; Noble Raymond attempts to rescue his True Love Agnes from the schemes of Villainous Family Members and an Evil Prioress; and the Mad Monk Ambrosio is gradually corrupted), you may be tempted to skip these parts, but don't! Elvira's sad history, the story of Lorenzo's brush with bloodthirsty bandits in the forests of Germany, and especially the tale of the Bleeding Nun and the Wandering Jew are fully as diverting as the main narrative.

Love, too, how the author incorporates all the stereotypical elements of gothic fiction - mad monks, wicked nuns, brave knights, naïve virgins, scheming family members, crypts, corpses, and sorcery - while still managing to create a story that feels fresh, literate, and well-crafted. Lewis may have picked a dubious genre, but there's nothing dubious about his plotting or prose. Indeed, Ambrosio's decline is presented in so gradual and logical a fashion, will shock you almost as much as it shocks him at the end to realize how far he's fallen, and how fast.

Finally, love how the book lays the foundation for so much literature that's come since. Reading along, you'll catch definite whiffs of Bronte, Poe, Hawthorn, Byron, Eco, and Perez-Reverte, among others. Were I a scholar, would love to research how this text provides a bridge between the old-style horror of medieval morality plays and modern lit.

Because, beneath the shock and titillation, this is at its core a morality play, in which evildoers are punished and virtue is rewarded. (Except for a few necessarily tragic consequences, because evil can't happen without victims, after all). A little spooky, a little melodramatic, a lot entertaining, and good triumphs over evil yet again ... what more do you want from a book?

6/20/2011

20 Tips That You've Booked a Dubious Hotel


What's sad is how many of these I've draw from personal experience!
  1. Toilet has a slot for quarters
  2. Beds move without quarters
  3. Towels stolen from other hotels
  4. Someone has written "redrum" on the bathroom mirror
  5. Gideon Bible is chained to the bedside table
  6. Roach motels have "no vacancy" signs in windows
  7. Nearest tourist attraction is "Mount Trash"
  8. Bloodstains
  9. Poorly disguised CIA surveillance vehicle in parking lot
  10. Desk clerk has creepy relationship with his mom
  11. Pay-per-view menu includes Psycho
  12. Gift store sells syringes
  13. Beds made with Batman sheets
  14. Bathroom contains complimentary bottles of shampoo, lotion, bleach
  15. Car mirror "tree" deodorizer hanging from TV aerial
  16. Rotary phone with "9" missing
  17. Brochures for local bail bondmen in front lobby
  18. Dust turns out to be fingerprint powder
  19. Only fresh oxygen is coming from mildew in bathroom
  20. Local ghost tour passes right beneath your window

6/10/2011

70 Random Acts of Kindness

Hard to disagree that the world would be a better place if we all made the conscious decision to leave it a little better/happier/cleaner than we found it, every day. 

Here are some ideas for turning the ideal into action:
  1. Help someone load/unload their items at the store (especially heavy and/or awkward items)
  2. Return shopping carts to the corral or store
  3. If the bathroom stall you're using is almost out of toilet paper, resupply it for the next person
  4. Leave coupons on the shelf next to the items they discount, so the next shopper to come along can have the use of them
  5. Leave that lovely parking space right in front of the store for someone else
  6. Leave change in a vending machine; isn't it always a bit of a thrill to find coins in the coin return?
  7. Put change in a parking meter that has expired
  8. At the store, reshelve things that have been carelessly or inadvertantly misplaced
  9. Take the trouble to return lost items to their owner
  10. Offer to run an errand for someone
  11. Let someone merge into traffic in front of you
  12. Pay for the person behind you at the coffee shop/fast food line/tollbooth/bus or metro kiosk
  13. If it's raining, carry a neighbor's newspaper to their front porch so it will stay dry
  14. Send a thank you note for no reason to someone who deserves one - a teacher, a relative, or a community organizer
  15. Bake cookies and present them as a gift to someone deserving
  16. Let the guy in line behind you - the one that has only a few items - go in front of you
  17. Compliment someone you usually take for granted
  18. Say something nice about someone to someone else
  19. Deliberately turn a negative conversation positive
  20. Ask if you can help someone who seems to need help
  21. Give someone the benefit of a doubt
  22. Pick up litter in your neighborhood
  23. Leave someplace cleaner than you found it
  24. Beautify a public area
  25. Offer to babysit (or pet-sit) for someone who needs a night out
  26. Stop and listen to someone who needs to talk
  27. Stop to help someone who's car has broken down by the side of the road
  28. Help a neighbor or relative with yard work (planting in spring, mowing in summer, raking in fall, shoveling in winter)
  29. Hold the door open for someone
  30. Stop to help someone pick up items they've dropped
  31. Pay the tab for a serviceman who is dining at the same restaurant as you
  32. Send a thank you card (or package) to a serviceman overseas
  33. Donate blood
  34. Donate clothes, furniture, books, food, etc.
  35. Offer someone a piece of gum
  36. Give someone your seat on the bus/metro, even if they're not elderly or pregnant
  37. Make someone laugh
  38. Forgive someone for something they've done to you or someone else
  39. Share something - a book, a recipe, a meal, advise
  40. Cheer for someone at an event
  41. Help someone learn something (or figure something out)
  42. Leave a nice comment on someone's online post (Facebook, blog, review, etc.)
  43. If an employee at a store has been especially helpful, tell their manager about it
  44. Ask someone about their cultures/traditions
  45. Pull weeds
  46. Lend a pencil to someone
  47. Help someone tackle a chore you know they've been dreading
  48. Fix someone's favorite meal (or take them to their favorite restaurant)
  49. Become an organ donor
  50. Attend a neighborhood, work, or community event just to show your support
  51. Throw your trash away in the theater (or at the ballpark)
  52. Leave a generous tip; or, write a thank-you note to your waiter/waitress on the bill
  53. Give people copies of photos you've taken of them (or their children)
  54. Help someone feel better about themselves
  55. Volunteer your time or resources to a worthy cause
  56. Raise money for (or awareness of) a good cause
  57. Help an elderly or disabled neighbor (bring their trash cans in/out, drop off their mail at the door, fetch groceries from the store for them, etc.)
  58. Drop off flowers at the hospital and ask that they be delivered to someone who needs cheering up
  59. Say "happy birthday" to someone who isn't expecting it
  60. Brush the snow/ice off of someone else's car
  61. Clean the dishes in a common area, even though you weren't the one that dirtied them
  62. Let someone in a hurry cut in front of you
  63. Leave your newspaper behind at the restaurant or coffee shop so that someone else can read it
  64. If someone accidentally leaves their purse or laptop unattended, watch it for them until they return
  65. Roll up someone's car windows if it's about to rain
  66. Share your umbrella with someone
  67. Help someone get (or keep) a job
  68. Diffuse a tense situation
  69. Compliment someone on their dog (or child)
  70. If someone has thrown recycling in the trash can, move it to a recycling container

150+ Ideas for Things to Do This Weekend (Adults)

What should we do this weekend? The question can be either exhilerating or annoying.  Exhilerating, if you've got a bunch of cool alternatives to choose from.  Annoying if, after a long week of work, you're simply too pooped to be creative and come up with a bunch of options to choose from. 

I've compiled the following list over the years to prevent annoyance and ensure that my husband and I take advantage of all the entertainment options available here in our community.  Your community may not offer all of these, but perhaps even the non-starters will get you thinking about alternatives.  After all, anything's better than staying home and cleaning, right?
  1. FOOD/EATING
    1. try a restaurant you've never tried before
    2. try an ethnic restaurant - something you've never tried before
    3. try a cocktail you've never tried before
    4. visit a "dive" you wouldn't ordinarily turn your nose up at
    5. take a cooking class
    6. prepare a new recipe
    7. invent a recipe
    8. bake bread
    9. try to replicate a favorite restaurant recipe
    10. cook meals for the week and freeze them
    11. prepare a picnic
    12. dine out of doors
    13. visit a farmer's market
    14. attend a dinner theater
    15. attend a "cook-off" or "Taste of the Town" event
    16. go in search of The Best ________ in town - chili, pizza, pie, etc.
    17. post favorite family recipes to an internet site
    18. create a family cookbook
    19. prepare a meal from old family recipes
    20. invite friends over for dinner
    21. progressive dinner party
    22. participate in a wine tasting
    23. visit a winery
    24. attend a wine festival
    25. sharpen kitchen knives
    26. have a BBQ/grill out
  2. SPORTS
    1. attend a high school sporting event
    2. attend a college sporting event
    3. attend a semi-pro sporting event
    4. attend a professional sporting event
    5. attend a racing event - cars, horses
    6. attend a sport you've never seen before - polo, rugby, etc.
    7. work out at a local gym/athletic facility
    8. participate in an exercise clas
    9. participate in a water sport - swimming, canoeing, kayaking, sailing
    10. organize a pick-up game
      1. At the YMCA/gym - basketball, volleyball, racquetball, handball, badminton, squash
      2. At the park - football, baseball/softball, soccer, field hockey, rugby, lacrosse, cricket, horseshoes, croquet, frisbee/frisbee golf
      3. Outside - golf, mini-golf, paintball, tennis, paintball
      4. Inside - Bowling, ice skating, ice hockey, roller skating, water polo, pool/billiards, laser tag
    11. participate in an individual sport
      1. at the YMCA/gym - swimming, weightlifting, yoga
      2. at the park - inline skating, biking, walking/hiking/jogging
      3. outside - watersports, spelunking, horseback riding, rock climbing, batting practice, skateboarding
      4. inside - martial arts, boxing, darts
      5. water sports - surfing, swimming, canoeing, kayaking, sailing, boating, fishing, white water rafting, scubadiving, snorkling, paddleboats
      6. winter sports - skiing, tubing, boarding, sledding
  3. OUTDOORS/GARDENING
    1. go camping
    2. cook a meal over a campfire
    3. go hunting/fishing
    4. find a body of water and recreate (swim, canoe, kayak, sail)
    5. visit a scenic area/park
    6. visit a state park
    7. visit a federal park
    8. go birdwatching
    9. take a walk/hike
    10. start an herb garden
    11. start a vegetable garden
    12. start a flower garden
    13. create a terrarium
    14. fly a kite
    15. fly an RC plane (or launch a rocket)
    16. stargaze
    17. feed the birds/ducks
    18. chase fireflies
    19. pick wildflowers
    20. go on a nature walk sponsored by a local park
    21. hunt for fossils, arrowheads, etc
    22. launch (or watch) fireworks
  4. COMMUNITY SERVICE/GOOD WORKS
    1. volunteer at a homeless shelter, animal shelter, food kitchen, or thrift store
    2. sort through your belongings and identify things to donate
    3. participate in a fundraiser for a good cause
    4. give blood
    5. offer your services as a teacher/tutor
    6. campaign for a politician or cause
    7. commit random acts of kindness
  5. ARTS
    1. see a high school performance - drama, music
    2. see a college performance - drama, music, lecture
    3. see a professional concert - free/paid, indoor/outdoor
    4. attend a dinner theater
    5. audition for a show
    6. see a movie at home
      1. catch one of AFI's Top 100 films
      2. an old movie you always meant to see
      3. goofy old monster/horror movies
      4. movies from your childhood
    7. see a movie in a theater (or drive-in theater)
    8. go dancing
    9. learn to dance - ballroom, hiphop, etc.
    10. play a musical instrument with which you are familiar
    11. learn to play a musical instrument with which you are not familiar
    12. sing - join a choir, participate in a sing-along, karaoke
    13. attend a comedy club
    14. visit a museum
    15. visit a gallery
    16. expose yourself to a type of music you don't usually listen to - opera, country, celtic, orchestra/classical, etc.
    17. take a class to improve an artistic ability you already possess
    18. take a class to learn an artistic skill you do not possess
    19. start a new art project -
      1. drawing, sketching, painting, cartooning
      2. photography
      3. needlecraft/textiles - sewing, xstitch, embroidery, knitting, crocheting, quilting, rug making, tiedying, weaving
      4. woodcraft - carpentry, carving, whittling, woodburning, turning
      5. sculpting/modeling - sculpting, pottery, mosaicwork
      6. papercraft - scrapbooking, calligraphy, collage, cardmaking, stamping, origami, paper mache,
      7. plantcraft - basketry, bonzai, flower arranging, flowerpressing
      8. glasswork - stained glass, etching, glass painting
      9. other - jewelrymaking, beading, balloon animals, ironworking, silversmithing, rubbings
  6. INTELLECTUAL
    1. attend a lecture (live or on-line)
    2. listen to podcasts
    3. visit the library
    4. read a book
    5. participate in a book discussion group
    6. watch a documentary
    7. tackle a writing project
      1. start a journal
      2. non-fiction
        1. magazine article
        2. professional paper
        3. memoirs
      3. fiction
      4. internet publications
        1. post to a blog (yours or someone else's)
        2. post to a wiki
        3. submit a reveiw to a reveiw website
      5. poetry
      6. write a letter
    8. attend a reading/signing - book reading, poetry reading
    9. participate in a writing discussion book
    10. attend a cultural festival
    11. attend an event sponsored by a local embassy or government office
    12. attend an event sponsored by a local museum
    13. attend an event sponsored by the local library 
    14. start learning to speak a foreign language (or practice one you've already learned)
    15. solve a puzzle (jigsaw, crossword, sudoku, etc.)
    16. invent something useful
  7. PROJECTS
    1. spruce up a room - paint, rearrange furniture, change out accessories, etc.
    2. beautify an outdoor area
    3. yardwork
    4. work on a collection - organize, catalog
    5. work on your family's geneology
    6. organize photos into albums (paper or online)
    7. enter contests/sweepstakes
    8. tackle a household maintenance project
    9. create a list of household maintenance projects
    10. download useful software/apps
    11. figure out how to use a software program you haven't yet mastered
    12. start a compost bin
    13. clip coupons
    14. clean out a closet
    15. groom your pet
    16. clean/fix up the car
  8. ROMANTIC
    1. spend the weekend at a bed & breakfast
    2. watch a sunset
    3. skinnydip
    4. schedule time at a spa; get messages
    5. bubblebaths
    6. reenact a romantic scene from a favorite movie
    7. snuggle next to the fireplace
    8. dedicate songs to each other
    9. read aloud to each other
    10. have a pillow fight
    11. take a moonlight walk
  9. FRIENDS/FAMILY
    1. babysit a child
    2. babysit a pet
    3. visit a family member
    4. play with your dog/cat/pet
    1. play board games
    2. organize a card party - bridge, poker, etc.
    3. organize a "games" party (Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary, etc.)
    4. organize a progressive dinner party
    5. organize a cocktail party
    6. organize a murder mystery party
    7. meet a neighbor
    8. organize a neighborhood "block" party
    9. organize a video game competition
    10. host a sleep-over
    11. visit the gravesites of family members
    12. get a family portrait taken by a professional photographer
  10. DESTINATIONS
    1. visit the beach
    2. visit the mountains
    3. visit a body of water
    4. visit a historic site
    5. visit a public garden
    6. go on a scenic drive
    7. visit places that have a special meaning for you
    8. visit a zoo, animal park, farm, or dude ranch
    9. visit a spa
    10. visit flea markets/garage sales/antique stores/antique malls in search of treasures
    11. ride on a train
    12. take a trip to the Big City (whatever your Big City may be!)
    13. visit a cave or cavern
    14. go on a cruise
    15. go to an amusement park
    16. go to a water park
    17. go shopping
    18. go window shopping for something extravagant (jewelry, ballgowns, etc.)
    19. attend church
    20. visit a planaterium
    21. visit the local airport and watch airplanes take off/land
    22. go on a pub/bar crawl
    23. attend a happy hour
    24. attend a fashion show
    25. drive to an orchard/farm and pick your own produce
    26. attend a craft show
    27. attend a local or state festival/fair
    28. visit a circus
    29. visit an air show
    30. go on a factory tour
    31. attend a Rennaissance fair/festival
    32. go hot air ballooning
    33. sign up for a ghost tour
  11. QUIRKY
    1. participate in a murder mystery weekend
    2. learn to juggle
    3. change your hair
    4. visit open houses
    5. test drive new cars
    6. take a long bath
    7. take a nap
    8. blow bubbles
    9. meditate
    10. join a club or group
    11. go on a scavenger hunt
    12. make a time capsule
    13. have a water balloon fight
    14. have an eating contest (hot dogs, pie)
    15. make prank phone calls
    16. gamble (games, races, stock market)
    17. listen to people communicate via CB radio
    18. play flashlight freeze tag
    19. get a tattoo (or bodypiercing)
    20. schedule a mani/pedi
    21. look up your horoscope; learn about your astrological sign
    22. learn to tell fortunes (palm reading, tarot)
    23. take an online personality quiz
    24. start (or add to) your bucket list
    25. make an obstacle course and then run it
    26. climb a tree

6/07/2011

Book Look: The White Devil, Justin Evans




For as long as I can remember I've been a sucker for gothic thrillers, especially those set at British boarding schools. There's so much potential there - the ancient school buildings, the fog-shrouded landscapes, the sense of history frozen in time, the wafting hint of repression and unnatural obsessions. Alas, despite all that potential, no example of the genre has ever lived up to my melodramatic expectations. Either they're so poorly written that it's an effort not to gag at the overworked metaphors and lame cliches, or else they devolve into a climax so anticlimactic and silly that I find myself thinking: "Really? I've read all this way, and that's all you've got?"

And then, finally, a book that delivers the goods! White Devil is a literate, well paced, dense ghost story with characters that engage, writing that absorbs, red herrings so intriguing you'll enjoy being led astray, and a plot that keeps tightening the tension until the final sentences of the story's wholly original, wholly satisfying, wholly creepy denouement.

The story revolves around Andrew Taylor, a 17yr old American boy exiled by his outraged parents to an exclusive English boarding School after scandal and a death force him to flee his school in Connecticut. But the ghosts he's left behind are nothing compared to the ghost waiting for him at Harrow School - a pallid, spectral lad whose soul remains bound to earth by 200-year old cruelties and jealousies. Now add to the mix a bitter, washed-up poet grasping at his last chance to redeem himself; an eerily beautiful but precocious female classmate; White Devil, a bloody revenge tragedy authored by the troubled 19th century playwright John Webster; and rehearsals for a production of the life of the beautiful, scandalous, haunted Lord Byron (a Harrow School alumnus), to whom Andrew bears an uncanny resemblance ... set it all in an ancient boarding school complete with petty (and not so petty) adolescent cruelty, secrets concealed behind crumbling stone, and a string of mysterious deaths that begin soon after Andrew's arrival at Harrow ... stir vigorously, and enjoy losing yourself in a tale that is sure to keep you enthralled until the final paragraphs.

Props to Justin Evans, whose bio reveals no particular literary credentials, for producing this literate gothic thriller. It's not easy to produce extreme characters that don't come off as sterotypical, to create mood/atmosphere that doesn't come off as stagy, to construct a plot so dense that the story never stops delivering chills, and to resist the urge to wrap up the story with a full and pat disclosure that explains all. Evans writes with the mastery of language and assurance of a pro. How fortunate that the idea for this story fell into the hands of someone able to make the most of it!

5/22/2011

20 Common Logical Fallacies

Is anyone else weary of politicians using simple rhetorical tricks to bamboozle credible/gullible citizens into believing night is day, black is white, and that whatever's wrong in the world is definitely someone else's fault?

If I ran the school system, all kids would get mandatory instruction in rhetoric, more commonly known as "the art of persuasion".  They would be required to learn both how to compose logical arguments, and how to recognize/expose logical fallacies in the arguments of others.  I believe that if U.S. citizens were to start out calling politicians for trying to bamboozle us with rhetorical "tricks", our lawmakers would be forced to assume a drastically more rational approach to governance.

Have drawn examples from real life/news to illustrate each fallacy.  Some of these examples are inevitably partisan.  To compensate, I've tried to pick examples from all points along the political spectrum, from extreme liberalism to extreme conservativism.   Please don't let your opinion of the issues distract you from the fact that each example demonstrates a flawed argument.  (How many of these have you fallen for?)

  1. Drawing conclusions from too little evidence.
    DEFINITION: Generalizing from incomplete information.
    EXAMPLE: If ________ is a Republican, he must believe in tax cuts.  (Failing to acknowledge that individual Republicans may hold different opinions than their party on some issues.)
  2. Overlooking alternatives. 
    DEFINITION: Saying that two items are causational (one causes the other), when in fact they merely correlate (tend to happen together; or, are both caused by the same external factor)EXAMPLE: Families that eat dinner together have students who do better in school.  (Family dinners don't cause intelligence - rather, the value system that promotes family dinners also promotes other values that positively impact school performance.)
  3. Ad absurdem.
    DEFINITION: Extending an argument to the point of absurdity.
    EXAMPLE: If we let gays marry, what's next - letting people marry their dogs?
  4. Ad hominem. 
    DEFINITION: Attacking a person rather than his/her qualifications. 
    EXAMPLE: What does Sarah Palin know about government?  She was a beauty queen! 
  5. Ad ignorantiam.
    DEFINITION: An appeal to ignorance.  Arguing that a claim is true just because it has not been shown to be false. 
    EXAMPLE: Standardized testing will improve the academic performance of students
  6. Ad misericordiam. 
    DEFINITION: An appeal to pity.  
    EXAMPLE: I was a prisoner of war; I deserve a chance to run the country that I've served so nobly.
  7. Ad populum. 
    DEFINITION: Appealing to the emotion or the common consensus of the crowd. 
    EXAMPLE: Lots of folks in the Iowa straw pole voted for Huckabee - he must be a serious candidate.
  8. Affirming the consequent. 
    DEFINITION: Basically, if cause = effect, then effect = cause. 
    EXAMPLE = When oil supplies are low, gas prices go up.  Gas prices are high, so oil supplies must be low.  (Doesn't acknowledge that there are other factors, besides supply, that impact oil prices.  Think about that the next time a politician argues that the key to lowering oil prices is releasing inventory from the Strategic Fuel Supply.)
  9. Begging the question/ circular argument. 
    DEFINITION = Implicitely using your conclusion as a premise
    EXAMPLE = I know intelligent design is true because the Bible says so.
  10. Complex question.  
    DEFINITION = Posing a question or issue in such a way that people cannot agree or disagree with you without commiting themselves to some other claim you wish to promote.
    EXAMPLE = Do you agree that the economy has gotten worse since the Democrats took office? (If you say no, you're admitting to a certain level of dimness; if you say yes, you're implying that you agree that Democrats were the cause.)
  11. Denying the antecedent. 
    DEFINITION = If p means q, then not-p means not-q
    EXAMPLE = When a country is under despotic rule, people revolt.  People in China are not currently staging revolutions; therefore, the country is not under despotic rule.
  12. False dilemma. 
    DEFINITION = A generic term for a questionable conclusion about cause and effect.
    EXAMPLE = If we cut government spending, Medicade will suffer.  (Doesn't acknowledge that government spending can be cut without touching Medicade.)
  13. Non sequitur.
    DEFINITION = A conclusion that is not a reasonable inference from the evidence.
    EXAMPLE = Democrats are pro-choice.  They hate Christians.
  14. Persuasive definition/loaded definition. 
    DEFINITION = Defining a term in a way that appears to be straightforward but that is in fact loaded/biased.
    EXAMPLE = The Tea Party is dedicated to the issues that matter to ordinary Americans.   (Who are these "ordinary Americans" they speak of?)
  15. Poisoning the well. 
    DEFINITION = Using loaded language to disparage an argument before even mentioning it
    EXAMPLE = Some liberal diehards still clinging to the 1960s will tell you that American needs to resume its isolationist stance towards the rest of the world.
  16. Post hoc, ergo protor hoc. 
    DEFINITION = Literally, "after this, therefore because of this" - arguing that because something happened after something else, the first thing must have caused the second. 
    EXAMPLE = The economy got worse after George Bush took office, so clearly it's his fault.
  17. Red herring. 
    DEFINITION = Introducing an irrelevant or secondary subject to divert attention from the main subject
    EXAMPLE = Obama wasn't born in the United States! And he's a muslim!
  18. Straw man. 
    DEFINITION = Characterizing an opposing view so that it is easy to refute.
    EXAMPLE = Do you want politicians telling you how you have to spend your money?
  19. Weasel word. 
    DEFINITION = Changing the meaning of a word in your argument so that your conclusion can be maintained, though its meaning may have shifted radically
    EXAMPLE = Torture is unethical!  But waterboarding is okay because it's not technically "torture" 

5/10/2011

Book Look: Lady Chatterly's Lover, D.H. Lawrence



Am choking down my respect for D.H. Lawrence and my fear of being flamed by fellow English majors everywhere in order to go public with my honest but politically incorrect impression of this work: If you actually read the parts before, in between, and after the sex scenes, Lady Chatterly's Lover turns out to be a rather pompous, tedious tirade on how industrialism, socialism, feminism, intellectualism, modernism, and the class system are sucking all the tenderness from the world.

Goodness knows I wanted to be more impressed - I've enjoyed Lawrence in the past- but in this instance I found the author's prose style annoyingly repetitive, his characters unsympathetic, and his "evidences" of society's decline strident, hyperbolic, and unconvincing.

I understand that in a post-WWI society, Lawrence might justly have been upset about industrialization destroying pretty rural towns, about "smart young things" embracing a sort of pretentious intellectualism over common sense, about artists embracing modernity over tradition, etc., but this overly-pedantic volume seems more misanthropic than anthropologic. Can Lawrence really believe the world would be a better place if only humans would eschew money, intellectualism, politics and technology in order to revert to a minimalist, naturalistic, essentially animalistic existence? Or is he trying to say that since this is as unrealistic an option as the alternative, there really is no hope for humanity? Either way, this reads as a the bitter rant of a misanthrope rather than what I hoped/expected it to be: an innovative and daring exploration of the nature of love, passion, compassion, honor, duty and society.

Admit I can't help wondering: if it weren't for the book's notorious reputation, would anyone still be reading this? Or would it have slipped into place among the ranks of "lesser" works by otherwise great authors?

5/05/2011

40 Ways to Tell Someone You Love Them (Without Saying the Words)



    "I love you" may be powerful words, but even more powerful are the non-verbal things you can do every day to make your loved one understand how much you care for them.
  1. Solicit their opinion
  2. Respect their opinion
  3. Help them tackle a chore you know they've been dreading
  4. Quietly polish off some of their chores, so they can relax
  5. Fix their favorite meal
  6. Wear an outfit you know they like on you
  7. Choose a movie you know they'll like, even if it's not exactly your cup of tea
  8. Make them smile/laugh
  9. Compliment them on their appearance
  10. Compliment them on something they do well
  11. Compliment them in front of someone else
  12. Compliment them to other people when they're not even there to hear it
  13. When they are on the right side of an argument, admit it gracefully
  14. If they need to relax, let them - even if it means postponing some chores or errands
  15. Don't drag them on errands they clearly won't enjoy
  16. Fix their coffee the way they like it
  17. Occassionally bring them a little gift for no reason
  18. Stuff a note in their backpack or briefcase wishing them a happy day
  19. Share stories you know they'll enjoy
  20. Keep stories to yourself that you know will unnecessarily anger or worry them
  21. Give them a hug
  22. Squeeze their hand
  23. Let them read the best part of the newspaper first (before you)
  24. Let them listen to their favorite radio station while in the car
  25. Care about what it is they do for a living
  26. Let them know you empathize with their worries/concerns
  27. Let them know what they do that makes your life better
  28. Let them know what it is they do that makes the world a better place
  29. Thank them for something they do as a matter of course
  30. Greet them with a smile, even when you're in a bad mood (assuming it's not their fault)
  31. Give them the benefit of a doubt
  32. Forgive them for something they've done
  33. Let them have the last cookie/piece of cake/piece of pizza
  34. Give them a backrub
  35. Treat the members of their family with respect, even the ones you don't like
  36. Treat their family traditions with respect, even the ones you don't agree with
  37. Spend a weekend doing something they want to do
  38. Make sure your vacation includes activities that they will find enjoyable/restful
  39. Call them up just to share a funny story or happy thought
  40. Say "good night" and kiss them before you go to bed, every night

4/19/2011

8 Writing/Grammar Rules That Have To Go


As a middle school English teacher, a huge chunk of my curriculum is grammar instruction.  Which places me in the position, every year, of foisting on trusting, naive students grammar rules that even I know to be stilted, antiquated, or just plain silly. 

Below is a list of 10 grammar conventions that I would immediately eliminate if only someone would let me run the Grammar Police.

Consider this my blanket apology to all the students I have necessarily confounded over the years.  Sorry, guys.
  1. Using singular plurals to represent singular/gender unknown antecedents.   Here's what we're supposed to say: "A writer [ANTECEDENT] may edit his or her [PRONOUN] manuscript many times before submittal."  Why the incredibly awkward construct his or her?  Because, technically, the noun writer is singular/gender unknown, which means you're supposed to use a pronoun that is singular/gender unknown: hence, the ridiculously pompous his or her.  Can't we all agree that if we say "A writer may edit their manuscript many times before submittal," we're not automatically assuming more than one writer?  
  2. Given a compound subject joined by the conjunction "or", pronouns must agree with the final noun in the list.   Here's what we're supposed to say: "Either Jim or Susan needs to bring her laptop with her to the meeting."  Why her?  Because grammarians will tell you that when presented with the construct Jim or Susan, the pronoun should match the gender/number of the last item in the list.  Which stinks for Jim, who has now been called her not once, but twice, for no better reason than he happened to come first in the list.  Surely sane people can agree that using a plural pronoun - "Either Jim or Susan needs to bring their laptop with them" - is a lot more natural, and a lot less likely to get you punched in the nose.
  3. Words that end in "one" or "body" should be treated as singular pronouns. Sorry - just can't resist one more rant about pronouns.  Based on the above rule, the sentences "None of them are ready" should be correctly read "None of them is ready"; the sentence "Somebody should claim their cocktail before I dispose of it" should be correctly written: "Somebody should claim his or her cocktail before I dispose of it."  Just when I start feeling a little swollen-headed because we Americans have taken the forefront over other European languages in dropping unnecessary articles and adopting the universal "you" for 1st/2nd/3rd tense possessive, a rule like this comes along and makes me hang my head in dismay.
  4. Who or whom?  Depends on whether you are using the pronoun as a subject or a direct object in the sentence, to which I reply: who or whom cares?  I think it's time we relegate whom to the annals of pronoun forms whose time have passed, alongside thee/thou and one.
  5. Don't split infinitives.  An infinitive is a verb combined with the word "to" - as in, to hunt, to wonder, to spell.  Technically, you're not supposed to insert any words in between the "to" and the verb.  But can you imagine Captain Kirk solemnly intoning, instead of the timeless "To boldly go where no man has gone before," the grammatically correct "Boldly to go where no man has gone before"?  In the first version he sounds like a hero; in the second version, more like the kind of nerd who reads science fiction novels but would never go there himself.  Time for us to accept that sometimes exceptions to this rule are okay.
  6. Don't start sentences with And or But.  But, what if you want to position two sentences in opposition to each other, as I've just done?  (Clever, huh?)  And sometimes you just want to elaborate on a sentence by adding an additional sentence, as I've just done here.  I suspect the reason for this rule is to prevent insecure writers from unwittingly employing sentence fragments.  Having spent years as a middle school English teacher undoing the harm this has done, can't we decided to stop teaching this "non-rule" like it's a rule?
  7. Don't end a sentence with a preposition. Thus, "There's the boy I'm going with" should be correctly written: "There's the boy with whom I'm going." Not only does this sound stilted, but it risks running headlong into rule #6 regarding the use of who/whom. Occassionally ending a sentence with a preposition is not only acceptable, but necessary.
  8. Paragraphs should have 5 sentences.  Speaking of non-rules, here's another one that English teachers consistently foist upon their gullible students.  Meant (I suspect) as a way to force students to elaborate on their main ideas with sufficient detail, what this rule more typically does is encourage writers to invent 1-2 original thoughts, then repeat them using slightly different wording 1-2 more times.  The rule is this, people: paragraphs should contain a main idea and only as much supporting detail as necessary to elaborate on the main idea.  

4/18/2011

Best Performances from Glee





I'm not sure my 3 years in "show choir", our high school's version of glee club,  qualifies me to nominate the best performances from the show Glee to date, but I'm taking a stab at it anyway.  (How well I remember the tension and adrenelin of those regional competitions ...!)  I thoroughly enjoy the show, but you don't have to be a fan to acknowledge that these kids have serious talent.

The following aren't necessarily my favorite songs from the show, but they definitely my favorite performances, the ones I enjoy watching again and again.
  1. Don't Stop Believing ("original version"), New Directions.  Am starting with this performance because it was the first one to knock my socks off.  Just the original 5 featured cast members when they were at their most young and endearing, singing their heads off, plus a little drama as their song choice inspires their disconsolate director to perservere.  By the end of the song I was definitely a believer, as (I suspect) were any television critics who had not yet boarded the Glee bandwagon.
  2. Journey to Regionals ("Regionals version"), New Directions.  But wait, there's more!  Here's Don't Stop Believing again, this time performed by the whole Glee ensemble at Regionals and paired with two other Journey songs.  I especially love the part where the curtain goes up ... well, see for yourself!  An adrenelin-filled and thoroughly entertaining performance.  If I'd been a judge, no way they would have come in third!
  3. Thriller/Heads Will Roll, New Directions+.  The show doesn't do all-out performance numbers as often as you'd think; this is one of the best.  Zombie football players: who knew what a great fit it would be?
  4. Bills, Bills, Bills, Warblers.  Love all the Warblers songs, which makes it hard to pick the ones that belong on this list.  Not sure this is even one of the best, but it's certainly one of the most fun ... or maybe I'm the only one that's tickled by the idea of a bunch of clean-cut private school boys channeling their inner enraged black girlfriends?
  5. Dream On, Michael Morrison & Neil Patrick Harris.  In my opinion, one of Glee's most successful "special guest star" episodes.  Not only a great reprise of a rock classic, but Doogie's performance blew me away!
  6. When I Get You Alone, Warblers.  Wish I could have been at the Gap the day the Warblers decided to invade the retail outlet in order to serenade an obviously unappreciative salesperson.  The combo of tight harmonies and choreography makes this a keeper.
  7. Say A Little Prayer for You, Glee Cheerleaders.  Love the song but adore the choreography that goes with it.  After watching this, bet Celine Deon wishes the mores of the time would have allowed she and her backup singers to don cheerleader uniforms with those swingy skirts that emphasize every innocent/naughty hip shake! 
  8. Keep Holding On, Glee Cast.  A little melodramatic but undeniably moving.
  9. Total Eclipse of the Heart, Lea Michaels. This one's pure, unapologetic melodrama ... but then, so was the Bonnie Tyler original.  To understand this, helps to know it's meant as a lament after the lead character, Rachel, realizes she's pissed off not one, not two, but three boyfriends.  What I love about this performance is the staging - the way the song moves between the classroom and the ballet studio is wonderful, and all those ballet lifts are such a great metaphor for trust.
  10. Bust Your Windows, Glee Cast.  This one has a Bollywood feel to it - the way the action stops so everyone can burst into song, the unapologetic blending of reality and fantasy, the way over-the-top costuming. (Never have tall athletic socks and tennis shoes been employed to achieve such a joyously slutty effect!)
  11. Lean On Me, New Directions. No one's going to argue that this isn't a fabulous song in its own right, but I love the arrangement of the song they chose, and the simple but sincere choreography. 
  12. It's My Life/Confessions, New Directions (boys only).  Well choreographyed and wholly entertaining cover of a great Bon Jovi tune.
  13. Happy Days Are Here Again/Get Happy, Lea Michael & Chris Colfer. Okay, so you caught me out.  There's no real performance here - no costumes, no choreography, no "show."  Just two superb performers belting out a ballad the way ballads were meant to be belted.  Babs and Judy would approve.
  14. Marry You, New Directions.  The lyrics of the song are not quite as romantic as one might hope (hey, since we're drunk already, let's get married!), but the cast does such a good job of performing the hell out of this number that it doesn't matter.  Dare you not to feel a little happier life and love after watching this clip.
  15. Loser Like Me, New Directions.  As someone who spent years in glee club, couldn't help but love this anthem to gleeks everywhere.  My favorite line: "Push me up against a locker/And hey, all I do is shake it off/I'll get you back when I'm your boss."  So there!

4/05/2011

Book Look: The Age of Innocence, Edith Wharton



An unblinking examination of characters forced to choose between propriety and love, and a time when people still had to choose between the two. What I liked about the novel is that it makes you question both - is propriety worth the price you pay for it? Is love? What constitutes "happiness" - is it passion, or contentment? Can personal happiness ever be achieved if its cost is the happiness of others about whom you care?

Wharton does an excellent job of depicting ~1880s New York society, a construct so brittle that the mere expression of individuality, ambition or temperament threatens to shatter it. Then she creates two fairly empathetic characters, the "restless young man" Newland Archer and the simultaneously worldly/naive Ellen Olenska, sets them against the system and explores - with a brutal honesty that allows for no hope of literary intervention (fate, coincidence or anachronism) - the hypocrisy forced upon them ... and, to be fair, the hypocrisy they force upon themselves.

Had Jane Austen undertaken this tale, she might have told it with more humor but with less honesty. What both authors share, however, is an ability to satirize the often arbitrary, often absurd constraits of "propriety" while simultaneously acknowledging their force and enduring power.

4/02/2011

Best Einstein Quotes Ever




For a man who reputedly didn't start talking until he was 3 years old, Einstein made up for the late start with a dozens of richly insightful observations about science, learning, and life.  Here are some of my favorites, organized (for lack of a better system) alphabetically.  

 
  1. A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.
  2. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
  3. Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
  4. "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
  5. "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
  6. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
  7. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  8. Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
  9. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
  10. Creativity is intelligence having fun.
  11. Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
  12. Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
  13. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
  14. Everything must be made as simple as possible. But not simpler.
  15. God does not play dice with the universe.
  16. God is subtle but he is not malicious.
  17. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
  18. I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.
  19. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
  20. I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.
  21. I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.
  22. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
  23. If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
  24. If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.
  25. If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
  26. If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.
  27. If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
  28. Imagination is more important than knowledge.
  29. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
  30. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
  31. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them
  32. It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.
  33. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.
  34. Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.
  35. Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.
  36. Love is a better master than duty.
  37. Never memorize something that you can look up.
  38. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
  39. Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
  40. Out of clutter, find simplicity.
  41. Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.
  42. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.
  43. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
  44. Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
  45. Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
  46. The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
  47. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
  48. The path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.
  49. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
  50. The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
  51. The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious - the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science.
  52. The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
  53. The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.
  54. The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.
  55. The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who let evil happen without doing anything.
  56. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
  57. Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.
  58. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
  59. Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth
  60. Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.
  61. What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.
  62. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
  63. When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again.
  64. Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
  65. You never fail until you stop trying.
(I've gathered these from various sources, some more reputable than others, so can't/won't vouch for their veracity.  However, they all certainly sound like things Einstein would say!)