NOVA Gothic -A list of 20 creepy/weird/terrifying things about life in Northern Virginia

 

Like many other states, Virginia has a split identity. The Western and Southern regions are largely rural and agricultural, but the Northern regions have been overrun by suburbs of  Washington DC. Which may sound innocuous, but as someone who's lived in the NOVA area for most of their lives, I can attest to the fact that it's not all wine and roses, man-made lakes and big box stores. Here's a partial list of some of the unnerving aspects of living in NOVA - some a little silly, otherwise legitimately terrifying:  

1. You’ve never seen a bear/wolf/bobcat in your neighborhood, but you know someone who has.
2. Suiting up like Mad Max for a trip to the grocery store before any snowstorm expected to deposit more than 2.”
3. Local radio stations run ads for global weapons systems.
4. No one questions your 60-minute daily commute to the adjacent suburb.
5. That guy throwing something into a trash at the local park could be discarding harmless picnic scraps ... or they could be a spy making a dead drop.
6. Paying as much for a house as other people might spend to purchase their own private Caribbean Island.
7. Helicopters have been circling for over an hour. No one notices.
8. Neighbor down the way, when asked what they do for a living, answers in the vaguest way: “I’m a civil servant.”
9. Potentially living next to (or on top of) the unmarked graves of Civil War soldiers.
10. Our most insidious invasive species isn’t kudzu, it’s McMansions.
11. Government shutdowns are existential crises.
12. Fire drills? Earthquake drills? Try nuclear attack drills.
13. Is it a road improvement project, or are they installing yet another secret underground bunker? 
14. HOAs with more power than some third-world governments.
15. Every day, the data server farms creep a little closer to your home.
16. Our local competitive sport isn’t high school football … it’s school board meetings.
17. Pairing business suits with tennis shoes or flip flops is socially acceptable.
18. Local roads with 10 lanes.
19. Helicopter dog parents.
20. Stars? Apparently they’re a real thing, but no one’s ever actually seen them thanks to the 24/7 glare of traffic lights, LED-illuminated retail signage, and office buildings with all the lights left on overnight.

"He's a 10, but ...": literary edition!

A while ago, my students became obsessed by some sort of Tik Tok trend which involved trying to guess the identity of a classmate or famous person based on a phrase that begins with the words "He's/She's a 10, but ..." and culminates in some sort of coded clue to their identity. 

Not long thereafter, I was brainstorming games for an upcoming gathering of literary friends and decided to repurpose the trend into a literary challenge. 

How many of the following fictional characters can you identify based on the clues provided? 

1. He's a 10, but frankly he doesn't give a damn
2. He's a 10, but he has far, far better things to do
3. He's a 10, but he hasn't figured out what to be or not to be
4. He's a 10, and he's got some Great Game
5. He's a 10, but pictures don't do him justice
6. She's a 10, but you'd always be Wondering where she wandered off to
7. He's a 10; the twist is that he's a little dodgy
8. She's a 10, and she's already got her own wedding dress
9. He's a 10, and he's got a personality as big as a whale
10. He's a 10, but sometimes clever women leave him feeling a bit Adled
11. He's a 10, but he refuses to grow up 
12. She's a 10; in fact, you could say she's earned an A
13. He's a 10, and his love for you will never die
14. He's a 10, but he may end up bugging out on you
15. He's a 10, but he's a bit of a swinger
16. He's a 10, but he tilts at windmills
17. He's a 10, and he's willing to grant you his affection even though he holds your family in low regard
18. He's a 10, but his business trips are epically long
19. He's a 10, but all the king's men may not be able to save his soul
20. He's a 10, but you can see right through him
21. She's a 10, but don't make the Eyrer of comparing her to a bird in a cage

ANSWERS:

1/Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind; 2/Syndey Carton, Tale of Two Cities; 3/Hamlet, Hamlet; 4/Kim, Kim; 5/Dorian Gray, The Picture of Dorian Gray; 6/Alice, Through the Looking Glass; 7/The Artful Dodger, Oliver Twist; 8/Mrs. Haversham, Great Expectations; 9/Ahab, Moby Dick; 10/Sherlock Holmes, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes; 11/Peter Pan, Peter Pan; 12/Hester Prynn, The Scarlet Letter; 13/Dracula, Dracula; 14/Gregor, The Metamorphosis; 15/Tarzan, Tarzan of the Apes; 16/Don Quixote, Don Quixote; 17/Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice; 18/Odysseus, The Odyssey; 19/Willie Stark, All The King's Men; 20/Griffin, The Invisible Man; 21/Jane Eyre, Jane Eyre

Book Look: The Overstory, by Richard Powers

 This is a gorgeously written, important book. It’s emotionally complex, morally challenging, and intellectually fecund - all of which makes it an eminently worthwhile read, though I’m not entirely sure I found it to be a particularly satisfying read.

The novel leads off with eight extremely long vignettes that introduce the characters (or sets of characters) that the story will trace over the course of the next 500 pages: a biologist who specializes in plant communications, a troubled young woman who experiences a life-altering rebirth, a solitary artist whose muse is nature, a socially awkward lad who grows up to be a psychologist fascinated by why people engage in futile behaviours, a modest intellectual property attorney & his sensation-seeking wife, a rough-around-the-edges-but-heart-of-gold Vietnam vet, the daughter of a Chinese emigree father who becomes an engineer, the son of an Indian emigree father who becomes a coding genius.

The thematic link between these backstories is that each tale references trees – sometimes in a direct way (there’s a lovely bit about a chestnut tree in the vignette about the artist), sometimes in more symbolic ways (trees as metaphors for family, memory, time, nature, hope, creativity, growth & rebirth, wisdom, salvation, etc.). Honestly, a part of me wonders if Powers didn’t lift large portions of this from short stories that he’d written earlier and separately … which isn’t meant as a critique, but would explain why so much of this section, while absorbing, doesn’t end up having much relevance to the subsequent tale.

From these seeds germinates the rest of the novel, in which the author’s protagonists separately and collectively embark upon journeys that will culminate in an understanding of the profound ecological significance of the largely unappreciated kingdom plantae. Worth recognizing Power's effort to incorporate cutting-edge botanical and ecological science into this part of the narrative. These pages hammer home, again and again, the message that earth is a single, interconnected biosphere, that healthy ecosystems perform ecological services that are key to sustaining Earth’s habitability, that ecosystems are sentient in ways we are only just beginning to understand, that preserving biodiversity is essential to preserving functioning ecosystems, and that - in our capacious and thoughtless appetite for resources - humans are likely to end up driving all life (including themselves) to extinction.

Powers’ other, equally important message: that forests serve a profoundly important aesthetic and spiritual purpose, reminding us that the true art of living isn’t about the resources we acquire, but about the connections that we make during our lives and the legacy that we leave in our wake – the nutrients that nature recycles to create new life, the enduring ideas and memories that humans recycle to create understanding.

A frequent issue I have with novels is that the characters neither reflect nor grow, so it feels strange to be dinging Overstory for the opposite problem! The time Powers spends tracing the complex inner journeys of each character comes (I felt) at the expense of creating a consistent and engaging external journey. Some of the characters do end up dabbling in activism, but this aspect of the novel never develops in any sort of important way. By the end of the novel, you understand that the consciousness of each character has been altered in profound ways, but they’ve largely failed to translate those weighty new understandings into any sort of useful action. Which is clearly enough to win you a Pulitzer Prize, but not particularly gratifying if, as a reader, you’re itching for a bit of inspiration or hope.

FYI, I recommend that this be read within easy reach of internet access, and that readers take the time necessary to look up the individual species that Powers references throughout. The background knowledge I brought to this as a biology/environmental science educator substantially heightened my ability to appreciate that wonders that Powers describes throughout –the spiraling bark of the bristlecone pines, the swollen bellies of baobob trees, the mesmerizing way that mimosa leaves furl at the slightest touch. At the very least, do a quick image search on “unusual trees” and take the time to appreciate the truly remarkable diversity and evolutionary cunning of these ancient and indispensable organisms.

Book Look: Parable of the Sower, by Octavia E. Butler

There are two major storylines here: (1) the gradual collapse of American civilization in the face of a climate crisis, and (2) the establishment of a new religion. This first book in Butler's Earthseed series focuses on the climate crisis, the second (I'm inferring) will get into more detail about Earthseed, the religion being propagated (sowed) by the novel's protagonist, Lauren Olamani.

For a book written in 1993, Butler's projection of the impacts of a climate crisis in the U.S. are chillingly in-line with current forecasts: water shortages, food shortages, high prices, eroding shorelines, and especially the disproportionately appalling impacts on marginalized populations: the poor, minorities, immigrants, etc. Butler's U.S. isn't yet a lawless dystopia - there's still a president, police forces, colleges, and big box stores, etc. - but it's well on the way to becoming one, especially for those unable to afford walled communities, food, water, and armed guards. While the novel makes clear that some states are faring better than others, Butler's southern California is well on its way to dystopian anarchy, overrun by bloodthirsty gangs, rampant drug use (including abuse of a particularly horrific substance that causes users to become pyromaniacs), wanton crime (rape, pillage, murder, cannibalism), and legalized indentured servitude/slavery.

Into this reality is born Lauren Olamani, the precocious, mixed-race daughter of college-educated preacher. As the novel begins, the creeping dystopia that has already ravaged the lower classes is beginning to claim middle class communities like the one Lauren is living in, eventually forcing her to take to the road in search of a (relatively) safe place to settle and propagate her "new religion," which she calls Earthseed - a sort of Darwinian-survival-of-the-best-adapted meets Dale-Carnagie-cult-of-affirmation mashup. Along the way she and her rag-tag community of friends/followers face the expected perils: murderous thieves, wild dogs, thirst, fire, etc.

All of which makes for an entertaining read as long as you focus on the characters (engaging) and plot (brisk), because Olamani's Earthseed credo - while good enough for plot purposes - is laced with logical fallacies and inconsistencies; no great philosophical truths will be revealed. Her depiction of the gradual degradation of civilized norms must have seemed pretty extreme and unlikely back in 1993 when this was first published. However, it's hard to read this now without seeing parallels between events in the novel and current headlines - the carnage caused by illegal drug use (opioids laced with fentanyl), the rise in overt acts of racial hatred, the social impacts of unbridled capitalism, the political manipulations of corrupt politicians, the looming climate crisis - and wondering just how extreme Butler's vision may be.

But then, if the whole idea of the science fiction genre is to analyze current scientific/cultural trends and then extrapolate possible outcomes of these trends into the future, then maybe thinking about how we are going to shape for ourselves a different future than the horrific one depicted here is precisely what we should be doing.

50+ Things that Teachers in the 1980s Never Had to Say

 

I'm almost old enough to have taught in the 1980s, but not so old that I don't still remember what the educational experience was like for my classmates and I during that excruciating decade of chalkboards and bookbags, overhead projectors and filmstrips, textbooks and typewriters, gym uniforms, analog clocks, snacks containing peanuts, selling candy bars door to door, writing in cursive, sneaking cigarettes in the bathrooms, books by a variety of exclusively European authors, and unchecked bullying.  There was good. There was bad. And there was a lot of ugly. 

40 years later and here we are, still teaching students basically the same content - English, math, history, science. But the way in which teachers interact with students has certainly undergone enormous technical, cultural, and ethical changes.  Some of the items in this list are factual, some snarky, and yes, some are probably not PC, but they all reference legitimate transformations that have occurred since my math teacher back in 1981 memorably rebuked: "You need to be able to do calculations in your head because it's not like you're going to be carrying a calculator in your pocket everywhere you go!" 

Spoiler alert: there's still plenty of good, bad, and ugly to go around. :-(

THINGS THAT TEACHERS IN THE 1980s NEVER HAD TO SAY: 

1.       Put your phones/airpods away!

2.       Did you use AI/ChatGPT/Google Translate to help you with this?

3.       Anyone caught accessing the computer code to identify the correct answers on today’s online quiz will automatically receive an F.

4.       Don't make me block that webpage.

5.       You seem upset - do you need some time to de-escalate?

6.       You didn’t do the assignment! I'm afraid I have no choice but to record it in the gradebook as a 50.

7.       We've gathered here in this conference room to talk about how we work as a team to support ___ to make better choices.

8.       What’s your preferred pronoun?

9.       What’s your parents’ last name?

10.   There will be a school-wide active shooter drill after lunch.

11.   No, you may not film TikTok videos in school.

12.   Guys, you need to remember to recharge your computer at home, not at school.

13.   Pull those pants up over your hips! 

14.   No, the Earth is not flat and the moon landing was not a conspiracy. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t mean it’s true.

15.   Yes, you are still considered tardy even if your parents dropped you off late because there was a line at Starbucks.

16.   If it snows tomorrow, we’ll be doing a virtual school day, so be sure to log in at the usual time.

17.   Why aren't you wearing a mask? 

18.   Who’s wearing that awful perfume? Oh, wait, that's probably Axe body spray. 

19.   Yes, racism is still happening, and yes, it’s a bad thing.

20.   Remember not to bring anything metal so you don’t set off the metal detectors.

21.   Of course you can retake that quiz/test to bring up your grade.

22.   Of course we’ll accept work late without any sort of penalty.

23.   All textbooks will be online this year.

24.   Now remember that this assignment is differentiated, so there will be different expectations for each student.

25.   Do I need to email your parents?

26.   I’ll be posting the homework to our class website.

27.   Bottled water is fine, but no Starbucks drinks in the classroom.

28.   Should we hold ___ back a grade, just because they failed all their classes? Don’t be silly.

29.   No, you may not use my Lysol wipes to clean the mud off your sneakers.

30.   No, I will not loan you a cord to recharge your phone.

31.   Completing homework won’t actually count towards your grade.

32.   Has that app been approved for use on the school network?

33.   We’ll be streaming today’s movie from my personal Netflix account.

34.   Are you wearing your pajamas right now?

35.   You may pull out your books or Kindles after the test.

36.   Whatever you do, don’t sell those fundraising items door to door! It’s too dangerous.

37.   Our choral/orchestra concert will be composed of works representing diverse cultures.

38.   Some of the books we’ll be reading will be by diverse authors.

39.   We’ll use the onboard bus cameras to review what actually happened.

40.   Remember not to bring anything that contains peanuts to the class party.  

41.   No, you may not listen to music on your cellphone while you work.

42.   Maybe you're gay, or maybe it's just a phase you're going through ... but you probably want to keep this to yourself unless you want to get bullied.  

43.   Marijuana’s okay, but watch out for opioids because the fentanyl may kill you.

44.   No rapping or beatboxing in class!

45.   What if I don’t want to use my cellphone to download authentication codes to access required school apps?

46.   No, we are not going to give you admin privileges for your school computer so that you can download games

47.   No fidget spinners or glitter slime in the classroom!

48.   No, your hamster does not count as an emotional support animal. 

49.   I'm afraid that book isn't available to be checked out; it's been banned by the school board. 

50.   Fortunately our field is artificial turf, so we’ll still be able to have PE after last night’s rains.

51.   Be sure to separate your trash into the appropriate recycling bins!

52.   Don’t worry - the cafeteria always offers at least one vegetarian option.

53.   What do you mean, you don’t know how to sign your name in cursive?

54.   What do you mean, you don’t know how to tell time on an analog clock?

55.   I am not now, nor will I ever be, your “bruh.”

Book Look: The Lincoln Highway, by Amor Towles

                  

]This is a hard book to review. The title and plot description would have readers believing that this is a light-hearted "road trip" story, and indeed many of the tropes of road trip novels are present: a gang of chums crossing the U.S. on a quest, encounters with eccentric characters, misadventures, etc. Towles has a particular gift for creating beguiling characters: a weary veteran endlessly riding the rails in a futile attempt to flee the consequences of his pride, a luminous constellation of washed-up burlesque performers, an Emerson-quoting farmer destroyed by the very "self-reliance" he covets. This is a literary feast of evocative descriptions and poignant interludes.

However, it doesn't take a degree in literature to see that Towles' tale is operating on multiple levels. Early in the novel Towles introduces "Professor Abacus Abernathe’s Compendium of Heroes, Adventurers, and Other Intrepid Travelers," complete with an empty chapter standing at ready for the Professor's young readers to record the tale of their own "hero's journey." Hard to imagine a more overt invitation to reflect upon the ways in which fate and hubris shape the lives of ordinary folk too! Certainly they shape the lives of the protagonists of this tale, each of whom is burdened by vagaries of fate (an unjust accusation, an accidental death, an ill-timed encounter with a police officer) as well as "fatal flaws" embedded in their natures: Emmett's quick temper, Billy's naivete, Duchess's cheerful immorality, Woolly's guilelessness. One by one, our protagonists are tested, some - a la Ulysses - achieving redemption, others tragically destroyed - a la Achilles or Caesar - by their fatal flaws.

I get that some are upset by perceived inconsistencies in the final chapters of the book, but one could argue that these resolutions merely hammer home the point that even those heroes who achieve redemption rarely emerge unchanged by their ordeal. In the words of Professor Abernathe: 'How easily we forget - we in the business of storytelling- that life was the point all along.”

By all means enjoy this book's many delights - the lucid storytelling, the beguiling characters, the evocative descriptions. But as you go along, you may wish to take Towles up on his invitation to reflect upon the fact that while none of us are immune from the manipulations of fate, the measure of our character is in how we respond to the adventures and perils that are set in our way.

Book Look: Trust, by Hernan Diaz

Boiling the plot down to the simplest terms, this is the story of a fabulously successful New York financier, Andrew Bevel, at the turn of the century: his ancestors, his childhood and extraordinary marriage, his rising prestige and wealth, his role in exploiting (manipulating?) the roiling financial markets of the 1920s, his eccentricities, his legacy. Along the way, Diaz explores the relationship between capitalism, civic responsibility, and self-interest (echoes of Gordon Gekko's "greed is good"); the complicated forms of co-dependence that bind parents and children, husbands and wives; and - most of all - the many ways that wealth and power can be used to distort truth.

But this summary scarcely does justice to the deceptively twisty tale that is reworked - by the time the book is over - three times over. The first section, "Bonds," recounts the tale from the perspective of a novelist who has transformed the outlines of Bevel's life into a critically acclaimed novelization. The second section, "My Life," is composed of excerpts from Bevel's never-completed autobiography. The third section "A Memoir, Remembered," is recounted by Bevel's ghostwriter - it's in this section that you begin to appreciate the web that Diaz has been subtly weaving. Then in the fourth/last section, "Futures" - composed of excerpts from the diary of the Bevel's extraordinary wife - Diaz pulls the rug out entirely, challenging readers to reassess all the simple/easy/convenient assumptions they've spent the prior 300 pages forming.

Diaz is a gloriously gifted storyteller. His characters are deeply complex and original, his prose eloquent and smart, his insights into human nature grippingly authentic. This is one of the most original works I've read in a long time. "Trust" me - you won't regret the time you spend on this engrossing, inventive, highly human tale of pride, perspective, and power.

100+ Things That Scare Us - an Alphabetical List of All Things Creepy, Spooky, and Horrible

In honor of Halloween, thought I'd assemble the following list of things that are generally considered to be unnerving or terrifying. Had to draw a line somewhere, so have left off weird phobias and gag answers - like "taxes." What follows is, I think, a fairly comprehensive list of the impedimenta that horror story/horror movie writers use to give us goosebumps. What have I missed? 

A- Abandoned buildings/places, acid, AI/sentient robots, aliens, alligators, amnesia, anthropomorphized objects, apocalypse, Armageddon, asteroids, asylums, attics, axes

B- Banshees, bats, bears, bedbugs, bees/killer bees, black cats, bloods, boogiemen, bridges, buried alive

C- Cannibalism, catacombs, cellars/basements, cemeteries/crypts, chain saws, chupacabras, circuses/carnivals, clowns, cobwebs, corpses, creepy children, crossroads, cults/secret societies, curses

D- Danse macabre, darkness, death/Grim Reaper, decapitation, decomposition, deja vu, demonic possession, demons/devils, dentists, dinosaurs, dolls, doppelgangers, dungeons

E- Earthquakes, enclosed spaces, eternity, evil eyes, exorcisms

F- Fires, flesh-eating bacteria, flying monkeys, fog/mist, fortunetellers/psychics, freezing, full moons, furries

G- Gargoyles, ghosts/poltergeists, ghost stories, ghouls, gnomes, goblins, golems, gravediggers/grave robbers

H- Hags/crones, Halloween/All Hallow's Eve/Samhain, hallucinations, hanging trees, haunted places (houses, castles, forests ....), hearses, heights/falling, Hell, hitchhikers, horror movies, human sacrifice

I- Icepicks, imaginary friends, insanity/mania, insects/bugs, insomnia

J- Jump scares (unexpected noises ....)

K- Knives, krakens, Krampus

L- Labyrinths/mazes (corn, topiary ...), leeches, leprechauns, levitation, locked-in syndrome

M- Mad scientists/doctors, magicians/illusionists, mannequins, masquerades, mirrors, monsters, mummies, mutations

N- Needles, nightfall, nightmares

O- Obsession/fanaticism, occult, ossuaries, oubliettes, Ouija boards

P- Paranoia, paranormal abilities (telekinesis ...), parasites, peeping Toms, pigs, pipe organs, piranha, pits/fissures, plagues/diseases, psychosis, puppets/marionettes, purgatory, pyromania

Q- Quicksand

R- Radiation/nuclear disaster, reincarnation, religious orders (monks, nuns ...), rodents, Russian roulette

S- Sacrilege, scalpals/razors, scarecrows, scorpions, seances, serial killers, shadows, sharks, skeletons/skulls, skin-changers, sleepwalking, space, spiders, spiritualists/mediums, snakes, stalkers, submarines, supernatural objects (monkey's paws, amulets, books, photographs ...), supervillains, swamps/bogs

T- Tarot cards, taxidermized animals, thunderstorms/thunder/lightning, tommyknockers, tornadoes, torture

U- Uncanny zone

V- Vampires, ventriloquist dummies, volcanoes/lava, voodoo, voodoo dolls, vultures

W- Wax dummies/wax museums, wells, wendigos, werewolves, witchdoctors, witches/warlocks, worms

Z- Zombies

Book Look: The Trail of the Serpent, Mary Elizabeth Braddon

OMG - where has Mary Elizabeth Braddon been all my life? She was a contemporary of Dickens, the precursor of Wilkie Collins, and (the foreward argues) instrumental in establishing the detective fiction genre - so you'd think her works would be more widely available. Alas, no - female writers of "sensational fiction" weren't taken seriously back in the 19th century and didn't fare much better in the 20th century, so her works (excepting her "Lady Audley's Secret") gradually passed out of print. Thank you, Modern Library, for bringing back this gem!

"The Trail of the Serpent" has everything you could want in a "sensational novel" of the Victorian era: foundlings, wastrels, prodigal sons, identical twins separated at birth, bigamy, greed, love, hate, secret marriages, murder, madness, depravity, alchemy, secret societies, abject poverty, egregious wealth, a mute detective (how's that for "woke"?), and practically every other melodramatic trope you can imagine, all tied together by the machinations of a gloriously clever, deliciously evil villain determined to do whatever it takes to rise from obscurity to the heights of European society.

Which could be a hot mess in the hands of a schlock, but make no mistake about it - Braddon can write! She's intelligent, witty, and a gifted storyteller. Yes, her plot is sensational, but it's also stuffed with biting social commentary, delicious satire/irony, and laugh-out-loud comedic set-pieces.

Kirkus Review calls this "exuberantly campy" and it's hard to improve on this as a two-word summary. But Trail of the Serpent isn't just fun; it marks an important transition from the sensational, serialized novels of the day to the more serious literary writing of Dickens and his ilk. So go ahead and read it for the fun, then boast about reading it for the literary cred!

70+ Ways to Terrify a Teacher in 5 Words or Less

 

This one goes out to all my teacher peers who find themselves in a continual state of stress and can't figure out why. You aren't imaging things, my friends - the fear is real! 

1. Here’s another district initiative
2. You're getting a new student
3. Let’s analyze the data
4. “Just differentiate more”
5. Where’s your lesson plan?
6. Grades are due today
7. Meetings will be during prep
8. We’ll need you to cover
9. We’re adding more required trainings
10. We are short staffed
11. Your sub has cancelled
12. There are no subs
13. Please avoid requesting leave
14. “You’ll be floating”
15. Today is your observation
16. There's a full moon
17. The day after Halloween
18. “I’m going to throw up”
19. "My head itches"
20. The copier is jammed/broken
21. No more copy paper
22. The internet is down
23. The A/C is out
24. The cage is empty
25. School starts next week
26. Tomorrow is Monday
27. Year round schooling
28. We’re shortening winter break
29. We’re extending the school year
30. It didn't snow
31. No more snow days!
32. The soda machine is empty
33. We’re out of coffee
34. Indoor recess today
35. You've been assigned lunch duty
36. “Can we use glitter?”
37. “I forgot my meds”
38. Let’s start with an icebreaker
39. It's testing season
40. Principal needs to see you
41. Parent has requested a meeting
42. We’ve received a complaint
43. “My child told me …”
44. "My mom/dad says ..."
45. They’re bringing their advocate
46. The parent is always right
47. Stomach flu is going around
48. It's probably just a cold
49. S/he's a spitter/runner/biter
50. S/he has a sibling
51. You taught my parent
52. You're not eligible for retirement
53. Just follow the script
54. Teach to the test
55. We're going virtual/hybrid
56. No holidays this month
57. You'll be chaperoning
58. Mandatory committee assignments
59. We’re introducing new software
60. We're adopting new standards
61. We’re piloting a new initiative
62. We're overenrolled this year
63. We're increasing class sizes
64. No raises this year
65. Budgets are being tightened
66. Anyone can teach
67. It's just a little mold
68. You can't teach that anymore
69. That book is now banned
70. That might offend someone
71. "I'm having trouble breathing"
72. Gang activity is increasing
73. "There's going to be a fight"
74. "S/he has a gun"
75. Please shelter in place
76. This is not a drill

 

More Appropriate Names for NFL Franchises

 

My friends and I were mocking the preposterously macho names of certain sports teams and got to wondering what would happen if cities were forced to name their sports franchises after what the cities were *really* famous - or, better yet, infamous - for. After some brainstorming, we came up with the following list, replete with unjust and offensive stereotypes. Turning off comments to thwart trolls and others lacking the common sense to realize that this is meant entirely in jest ... which is a shame, because I'd love to see what other people come up with!

• Baltimore Ravens = Baltimore Homicides
• Cincinnati Bengals = Cincinnati Biergartens
• Cleveland Browns = Cleveland Cornholes
• Pittsburgh Steelers = Pittsburgh Smog
• Buffalo Bills = Buffalo Frostbite
• Miami Dolphins = Miami Wackadoodles
• New England Patriots = New England Misanthropes
• New York Jets = New York Snarks
• Denver Broncos = Denver Wackybackys
• Kansas City Chiefs = Kansas City Meatsmokers
• Las Vegas Raiders = Las Vegas Whales
• Los Angeles Chargers = Los Angeles Kaleeaters
• Houston Texans = Houston Rocketmen
• Indianapolis Colts = Indianapolis Cornstalks
• Jacksonville Jaguars = Jacksonville Parrotheads
• Tennessee Titans = Tennessee Purebreds
• Chicago Bears = Chicago Gangsters
• Detroit Lions = Detroit Blight
• Green Bay Packers = Green Bay Cheeseheads
• Minnesota Vikings = Minnesota Smorgasbords
• Dallas Cowboys = Dallas Megachurches
• New York Giants = New York Skyscrapers
• Philadelphia Eagles = Philadelphia Hooligans
• Washington Commanders = Washington Bureaucrats
• Arizona Cardinals = Arizona Militiamen
• Los Angeles Rams = Los Angeles Traffic

Book Look: Killers of the Flower Moon, by David Grann

 I value books that open my eyes to previously unsuspected episodes of history, and I especially value books that do so in a comprehensive and engaging way. Grann does an exceptional job of escorting his readers through the labyrinth of actors, events, and eras that comprise this shocking true-crime drama set in 1920s Oklahoma.

What a snapshot this provides into a fascinating - though largely appalling - period in U.S. history! The idea of the "lawless wild west" has become a sort of trope over time, gradually drained of specific context or meaning. Grann's narrative, however, brings the trope vividly to life, as he gradually unfolds a tale stuffed with thieves, profiteers, gangsters, robber barons, charlatans, con men, moonshiners, forgers, poisoners, cheats, faithless friends, corrupt officials, and murderers ... all of them preying on a single band of Osage Indians lucky (or unlucky) enough to have been inadvertently resettled by the U.S. government on a reservation that turned out to be perched atop oceans of black gold.

I think the thing that shocked me most was the relentlessness of the assault upon the wealth of these largely innocent and naïve people. Targeted by gold-digging suitors. Forced to beg government-appointed “guardians” for access to their own wealth – guardians who regularly treated the accounts they managed as their own private bank accounts. Deliberately plied with alcohol and drugs to undermine their competency. Their rights and identities as human beings treated as inconsequential. Gouged and exploited by every vendor they interacted with, including the undertakers who buried them after they were killed off for their inheritances (or illicit insurance policies, or forged IOUs …). Ultimately, the challenge faced by the budding U.S. agency later to be christianed the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) isn’t figuring out which parties are responsible for the string of murders by poison/gunshot/bombing, but whether justice has a hope of prevailing in a world where truth is arbitrary, fairness is immaterial, betrayal is inescapable, life is cheap, greed transcends morality, and almost every public official is corruptible.

A heads up to those who haven’t yet read the book: resist the temptation to stop reading about 50-70 pages before the end, thinking that the puzzle has been solved and everything else is wrapping up loose ends. Because this is when Grann’s scholarship kicks in, excavating layers of duplicity that even the FBI overlooked. An altogether fascinating but deplorable tale of the ingenious and perfidious lengths to which unscrupulous humans will sink in their desperation for wealth, and the appalling tragedies suffered by the Osage peoples at their hands.

Book Look: The Englishman's Boy, by Guy Vanderhaeghe

 It's the 1920s, and an eccentric Hollywood megalomaniac (Damon Chance) is determined to create an epic "great American film" about the American wild west. To this end, he hires Harry Vincent, a down-on-his-luck scenarist (the guy who writes the cards for silent movies), to interview Shorty McAdoo, a genuine wild west relic, to extract an "authentic" recounting of how Americans tamed the west.

The first thing that hits you is the quality of Vanderhaege's writing. It's lyric and original and swollen with authentic period detail - he doesn't just describe the Canadian/US frontier in detail: he challenges his readers to smell it, taste it, touch it, feel it, employing language that's stunning in its lack of anachronism.

The next thing you notice is Chance's objective isn't as straightforward as it first appears. Your first clue (assuming we overlook the fact that the guy's name is, literally, "Chance") is that this eccentric studio boss venerates D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation" - a horrific example of self-aggrandizing mythmaking if there ever was one. Over the course of the novel, you come to realize that Chance isn't looking for authenticity - he's looking to galvanize American ruthlessness by propagating the message that America is besieged ("Besieged" being the literal name of the movie he is making) by enemies, especially Europe's revolutionaries and the Jews, who deserve to be destroyed. "The enemy is never human," he tells our scenarist, creating a confounding ethical dilemma for poor Vincent who is coming to realize, through his interactions with McAdoo and a comely Jewish colleague (Rachel) that in the real world - unlike black & white "shorties" he writes for - good and evil are, at best, ambiguous concepts.

This is a provocative novel of ideas cleverly embedded in a ripping yarn that embraces both the birth of Hollywood and the birth of our frontier, conveyed in vivid, affecting prose. Feel free to enjoy this for the terrific action/characters/ambiance, but for those who enjoy digging deeper, this novel offers ample opportunity to "invite argument, invite reconsideration, invite thought" - as Chance notes in one of his epic philosophical streams-of-consciousness. Is America's spiritual identity/native art form "motion," as Chance suggests? Should the goal of history-telling be to preserve the past (as Vincent supposes) or to secure the future (as Chance advocates)? Is empathy for the proletariat a strength (as Vincent believes) or a weakness (as Chance argues)? Is using movies to facilitate cultural assimilation appropriate - or dangerous propagandizing? So much great fodder here for book group discussion!

Book Look: Mercury Pictures Presents, by Anthony Marra

 This is the most satisfying thing I’ve read in a long time. It’s simultaneously funny and heartbreaking, authentic and quixotic, intelligent, absorbing, and masterfully written.

Ostensibly the story is about Maria, a plucky Italian emigree who, as WW2 erupts across Europe, flees Fascist Italy and a haunting, horrible mistake to make a new life in America as the assistant to the head of Mercury Studios, a struggling Hollywood filmmaking company. In truth, however, this book is no more about Maria than it is about the constellation of splendidly realized “bit players” who orbit her: eccentric movie studio bosses and washed up actors, wisecracking emigrees and meddling Italian relatives, beleaguered bureaucrats and ambitious blond secretaries, sentimental prostitutes, mourning mothers, doomed idealists, and racketeers with hearts of gold - characters whose stories, in Marra’s deft hands, are fully as complex and riveting and emotional as the central narrative that binds them together.

If you’re looking for something that will keep your book club talking late into the night, this novel provides plentiful fodder for discussion: the ways in which both Hollywood and the novel’s large cast of emigrees reinvent reality from discarded scraps of the past; the Faustian bargains that so many characters are forced to make in order to protect themselves, their values, or the people they love; the abundant ironies and idiocies of war; the difficulties of making peace with injustice and fate and our own mistakes. Marra’s writing may be empathetic, but it’s also penetrating and perspicuous.

If you’re fascinated by authentic historical detail about Hollywood in its infancy, if you enjoy your heartbreak with a side of incisive humor, if you admire characters who endure hardship with resiliency, grace, and decency, then you're in for a treat. My only regret is that I’ll now have to wait a while before being able to justify re-reading this; but at least that gives me time to explore some of Marra’s other novels in the meantime.